How can I make penetration feel good?

[Astra]

Hey! Just had a quick question.

So I generally don't masturbate because it doesn't feel like anything to me. I have little to no sensation, which annoys me to no end because I really want to masturbate and I'm very horny when I do it - by which I mean to say it probably isn't an arousal problem.

Something that really turns me on when I think about masturbating is the idea of vaginal penetration. I really enjoy imagining someone do that to me, so I want to do that myself.

Whenever I penetrate myself though, I feel nothing. It genuinely doesn't feel like anything at all. I don't know if my vagina has such low sensitivity that I actually can't feel when I'm being penetrated at all, because I can only really feel my finger (I'm not sure how to word this - like the only sensation is from my finger, not in my vagina).

I know that most people can't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, or even feel no pleasure from it, but I really want to feel at least some pleasure from it. Like, really! Is there any way I can make penetration feel good, or any way to make my vagina (or any part of my vulva while the ball's rolling) more sensitive?

Thanks so much in advance (regardless of the outcome), and sorry for the awkward question!

[Carly]

Hey Astra - not an awkward question at all, this is our bread and butter! We have a lot of folks who write in with very similar concerns regularly. I think I have an understanding of the feeling you're describing: when you put a finger in, you are more aware of the finger there than feeling pleasure from the finger. I know this sounds like a non-answer, but all bodies are so different in the way they process sensations. What feels great for some folks may not work for others, and things we think should work for us may only feel the best under particular circumstances. This might be a matter of experimenting on your own rather than us having a solid explanation for you; this resource and this resource have collected some ways that people with vulvas can masturbate. Maybe there's something new or inspiring here?

And, just making sure, are you experiencing any pain when you did this, or is it just not giving you the sensation you're looking for?

[Astra]

Hey! First of all I am SO sorry for the years late reply - there's a small chance I forgot about making this post, and then forgot my login details once I did remember making it... If you don't want to reply further and close this thread due to my inactivity, that's more than okay!

A lot has changed since I first made this post, with the most recent and exciting development being that I've not only managed to gain pleasure from masturbation, but orgasm from it (thank God for vibrators!). However, the issue remains that penetration doesn't feel like anything, so while I am having satisfying sex and masturbation without it, I would really like to have some with it... My girlfriend and I are also floating the idea of using strap-ons, which is a really appealing idea to me, but I'm apprehensive about it not being pleasurable.

To answer your question, sometimes there is pain. A finger is really all I can handle. That's when it feels generally meh and empty, and it's like my arousal dies right there from how boring it is, even though I find the thought of penetration really exciting!! With more than one finger though, it starts to hurt. Sometimes there could be more lubrication, but honestly the pain stems from feeling like I'm being "stretched", almost? Which is ridiculous when it's only two measly fingers!! It's hard to explain, but the pain is from inside and the sensation itself, rather than from not being wet enough (as far as I know). It's a massive struggle to get even two fingers in because of how tight I am, and it hurts when I do... even though I really want to have a good experience!! The thought of being penetrated turns me on a lot, but my body won't cooperate with my mind on this one. I know that penetration isn't the be all end all, and that sex can be more than satisfying without it, but it's something I'd really like to incorporate. What do you think the issue might be? Are there any ways to reduce pain and increase sensitivity?

[Anya]

Hi Astra, no need for an apology! We are happy to help. What I’m hearing from you is that you still desire vaginal penetration, but haven’t found a way to act on it due to both genital insensitivity as well as some pain when you introduce more than one finger to the vagina. Just want to say right out of the gate, that is a totally normal experience and you are definitely not alone in the way your body is feeling, conflicting with what you want sexually. Many folks have dealt with discomfort and pain during vaginal penetration, it’s a totally valid experience even though it’s not even close to ideal.

Have you considered talking to your primary care physician about these concerns, specifically relating to the pain upon insertion? If you haven’t done that already I would recommend setting up an appointment if possible to talk to them about options to consider.

My main idea at this time is to point you in the direction of the use of a tool called a dilator. Dilators have been proven to help many people gradually with feelings of discomfort and pain in during vaginal penetration by slowly increasing the amount of penetration one can comfortably deal with. Dilators have most predominantly been used to relieve symptoms of vaginismus, but can be used in remedy of general pain and discomfort upon insertion into the vagina. Here's a link that might help. Let me know how you feel about the things that I mentioned or more questions that you might have!

[Astra]

Thanks for the reply! I'd be happy to talk to a gynecologist and have been wanting to for a while, but it's unfortunately not an option at the minute. I still live with my parents and can't leave freely to go to an appointment, and have explored a lot of different options related to this to no avail

I know a bit about dilators, yeah! They seem pretty intimidating though... And I kind of don't want to use them because then that would be like admitting there's a problem, if that makes sense? I'd hate to think that there's something about my vagina that needs to be fixed. Is there anything else I can do, or are dilators the way forward?

[HannahP]

Hi Astra!

I hear you about it being difficult to access a gynecologist when you don't want your parents to know about it. You know your parents (and their likely assumptions and reactions) best, but I do want to say that asking to see a gynecologist doesn't have to mean admitting that you're sexually active or that your primary reason is to ask about penetration. At your age, it's very common to see a gynecologist just to check in and get into the habit of having consistent reproductive healthcare and feeling any kind of pain is a good reason to talk to a doctor (you wouldn't have to tell your parents the specific context of your pain, if you'd prefer to keep that private!) But if that all still sounds like too big a leap, you could also just bring up your worry to your regular doctor next time you have an annual check up.

If exploring dilators sounds intimidating, there's no need to go in that direction — in fact, I usually think that the best approach to experimenting with insertion (especially if you're feeling pain or tightness) is to do everything you can to avoid feeling intimidated! There's a tricky little cycle that happens with vaginal tightness, where anxiety/worry/nerves/other negative emotions can cause your body to be kind of tense (sometimes even in ways its hard to notice) and that tenseness makes you more likely to experience pain and/or tightness, which makes you feel more stressed and afraid every time you try, which makes you even more tense...you see? To avoid that cycle, you could try slowing down and just kind of hanging out in the stage that you feel comfortable. You say that you can comfortably insert one finger, so stick with just one finger for now. Maybe try experimenting with different ways you can move that one finger (slowly and carefully), combining it with other sensations you enjoy (your vibrator?), or squeezing your muscles. The goal would be to relax and find new ways of experiencing pleasure — which can have the bonus effect of allowing you to associate insertion with pleasure and fun, which can make a big difference as you explore more in the future. How does that sound?