Boyfriend watching porn

[bgrace20]

My boyfriend of a little over 1 year revealed to me recently that he sometimes watches porn, and while I thought I would be okay with that, I'm not. It makes me very uncomfortable/jealous. I'm generally an insecure person so all I can think about is that he wants to look at other girls' bodies and that mine isn't good enough for him, or that the things I do in the bedroom aren't good enough for him. I guess I don't really have a straightforward question with this post. But is it normal to feel this way? I feel really betrayed. We have a loving relationship and he doesn't hide things from me. But I don't know how to handle this. I told him it made me uncomfortable knowing that he watches porn and he promised he would stop, but should I really be putting a ban on it or should I just get over it and learn to be okay with it? I feel like if I was insecure before, this is just going to permanently keep me there.

[Heather]

I think that a lot of people struggle with the idea that if -- and more to the point, when -- someone they are with is attracted to, or has sexual interest in, someone else, that says something about THEIR worth or appeal. The things is, it usually doesn't.

Most people find more than one person in the world attractive, especially during times they are not in a brand-new relationship or attraction to a given person. When people agree to be exclusive, that's not about people not being attracted to anyone else, it's about people choosing to only share certain things with one person at a given time.

You get to feel how you feel, by all means. But generally, if and when someone who watches porn doesn't want to stop doing so for themselves, trying to do so because a partner has asked them to doesn't go very well, IME, and also often results in that person just having to get more sneaky and be dishonest. And dishonesty and hiding out tend to be way more detrimental to relationships than someone looking at someone else having sex, you know?

My advice would be to first just figure out your own feelings, and see if you can't work out what you need to feel more secure in yourself and in this relationship. After all, if you're feeling this insecure about this, that probably didn't come out of nowhere, but instead, just triggered feelings you already had. You might include giving some thought to sexual fantasy and imagination in general: do you have none of your own? Is there absolutely no one else right now you, yourself, find interesting to look at or attractive? Why do you think you feel like someone's sexual imagination is a threat to you? Why does this feel like a betrayal? What agreement or trust do you feel like he betrayed here?

Once you have a good handle on your own thoughts and feelings, and a good sense of where they're coming from deep down, then I'd suggest you perhaps talk together about ways to manage this that are likely to actually keep your relationship good, rather than putting things in it that make someone feel they have to hide in some ways, but also leave you feeling more secure and more able to work on your own insecurities and develop more self-confidence, including sexual self-confidence.

I'd say the goals in a situation like this, and in any healthy sexual relationship, is for both people to feel free to have whatever sexual imaginations they do, including when (and again, usually this is a given for most people) they do not include or exclusively include their partner AND for both people to feel confident and secure enough in themselves and their relationship that they feel each other's sexual imaginations are nothing either of them need to be concerned with, save in how each person wants to bring aspects of those imaginations into sex they engage in together. Just taking away or banning (for lack of a better word) a part of someone's solo sexuality or sexual imagination doesn't serve or move you towards either of those goals.

[bgrace20]

Thank you for such a detailed response!

I've been thinking about it, and I've always been easily influenced by media. Way too many TV shows or movies involve someone cheating on their partner. And they make it seem okay or normal. Which sucks because I've let that idea sink into my brain- that cheating is a normal thing that happens and is bound to happen in your relationship. So every time I get even a little sense that my boyfriend is hiding something from me I freak.

I definitely don't want to create dishonesty in our relationship. I would much rather he tell me that than keep it to himself. And you're right- obviously I find some other people attractive. But that doesn't mean I would ever be disloyal to my boyfriend. I guess it becomes a little bit easier when I put myself in his shoes.

So I understand that that's something he wants to do and it doesn't mean he's being disloyal... but it will take me time to feel comfortable with it. I just feel like I should apologize to him for the way I reacted because I'm glad he was honest.

Thank you for your help I'm gonna work on sorting this out

[Heather]

You're welcome, and I am certainly happy to talk thriugh more of this with you if you like.

Clearly, you are pretty good at being introspective and self-aware, and that is a very good thing. Like I said, to me, the biggest thing in all of this is that you are feeling so scared around this and insecure: those are not fun ways to be feeling, and if we can turn things around so you start feeling differently, especially about yourself, that would be a good thing.