Did i commit cocsa?

[Boh]

First of all, i apologize for my english since is not my first language.
I suffered from OCD and depression all my life and learned to deal with it thanks to therapy, but now i'm having a relapse because of a certain memory.

I have a younger cousin i have a wonderful relationship with, we are like brother and sister. She is 26 and i am 33. The thing that is torturing me to the point that i'm panickin is a vague memory in which she asked me to see my genitals; i don't remember if she asked me to see it because she was curious; i did it very fast and briefly, there was no other interaction or contatc, it wasn't sexual and we just kept watching tv after that.

Navigating on the internet made things much worse because i came across the definition of COCSA.

When i thought about it in the past from time to time i brushed it off as a stupid act between cousins, but now i read everywhere that such age significant age gap is problematic and i'm panicking because i don't remember exactly when that happened, i don't know if i was 13, 14 or 15, i jus can't remember. Now that it resurfaced it's driving me crazy because now i am realizing that whatever my age was, the gap was too big, and even if she asked me to do it she was too young to understand what she was asking and i should have known better and refuse. I don't remember the details, I don't even remember where the discussion came from, it's too vague. What if I was the one who introduced the subject?

I read articles about COCSA where is pointed out that even just exibithionism it's concerning in the 13-18 age range, especially when the other person is much younger.


There's no way i can talk about it to her because i'm afraid it could trigger some sort of trauma in her since i know that people can remove memories as a way to cope.

The question "why did i do it" is haunting me to the point i can't go through my daily life normally.

[Sam W]

Hi Boh,

I'm sorry that this memory resurfacing has lead to so much distress for you, to the point that it's interrupting your ability to live your life.

From what you're describing, this doesn't sound like COCSA. It sounds more like your cousin asked a question that, as you pointed out, she had little context for, and you answered. There wasn't coercion or force involved, and you weren't doing it because you felt your desires overrode her right to say no. In other words, the defining traits of COCSA weren't present, and it sounds like this event had zero influence on how your cousin felt around you in the long run.

You mention that you have OCD, and I will say that how you're talking about this incident suggests your OCD might have latched onto it. If you're seeing a therapist still, I think it might be worth bringing this to them if the fixation on it and intense guilt around it persists. If you're unsure on how to have that conversation, we can certainly help you brainstorm that!

[Boh]

Thanks for answering so quickly.
The problem is that my OCD is making me difficult to remember clearly.
The only thing i am certain of is that there wasn't a direct contatc or coercion, but i can't remember how the conversation started and the doubt it's affecting me to the point i obsess over it.
"Did i start the conversation?" "Did i asked her if she wanted to see it and she said yes?"
The age gap is also something that is tormenting me, and i wonder if at the age of 15 i should have know that it was too much since i wasn't a kid anymore.
I also wonder if this is the right section or i should have asked in the "Ask us section" to feel more comfortable.

[Sam W]

Something that might help with that inability to remember is that it sounds like your first recollection of the memory was of her asking you, and that the doubt crept in once your OCD got a hold of the memory. That suggests your initial memory was likely the most accurate.

With the age difference, the reason that turns up in discussions of COCSA is that sometimes just being the older kid is enough of a power difference to be the form of coercion involved (a dynamic that generally isn't present in assault perpetrated by adults, and thus is often highlighted when trying to explain COCSA). There being an age gap doesn't in and of itself make an interaction abusive. As for whether you "should" have known better, that's one of those things where it's hard to discuss without being able to clearly remember what you were thinking in the moment. My guess is that nothing about the situation felt inappropriate or sexual in the moment. There's also the added element of the fact that, in many places, it's not viewed as bad or harmful for people--especially family members--to see each other naked in a non-sexual context.

Too, I think a thing to focus on here is that your cousin doesn't feel harmed by the interaction, and that the two of you have an overall positive relationship, you know?

And let me know if you'd like the thread moved! For the record, this was a totally appropriate place to put it, so you don't need to move it on that account.

[Boh]

Thanks, this is helping a lot.
I asked about moving the post because it was my understanding that "Ask us" was a place where you could talk with staff only and maybe it was the right place to discuss certain arguments, but i probably misunderstood since english i not my first language, sorry.
One last thing. I wonder if the reason my cousin feels comfortable arounde me because she removed the memory to protect herself from some sort of trauma.
There is no way to know i guess, and i don't think that trying to open about it with her would be a good idea since i'm afraid it could trigger something in her.

[Sam W]

Nope, you're correctly understanding what "ask us" is for! It's where only staff/volunteers like myself are able to reply, as some people are looking for that kind of support and information specifically.

You're correct that the only way to know how your cousin feels about this, if she remembers it at all, is to ask her. But I will say that at a certain point, you just have to trust that someone who seeks out and continues to nurture a positive, close relationship with you is unlikely to be someone who recalls, vaguely or otherwise, feeling unsafe around you, you know?

[Boh]

You're too kind and i'm sorry if i am too persistent about it, but it's very hard to find someone i can talk to
If moving the post to "Ask us" gives me the chance to talk with more people with knowledge about the subject it's better, otherwise it's the same.
The thing i'm hyperfixating on it's what was my age, i tried very hard to find the answer through the fog but it's impossible. I guess i'll have to find a new therapist that can help me find the answer.

[Sam W]

It's alright, I'm glad you feel safe talking here! And let's keep this thread where it is; staff and volunteers tend to respond regardless of where a thread is posted, so you'll be talking with the same people in either area of the boards.

I do think finding a new therapist, or reconnecting with the previous one if that's an option and you liked them, is a good idea. If for no other reason than it sounds like you're possibly having a flare-up of OCD, and you deserve to have support in navigating that. Too, as much as you can, it might help to reframe how you're thinking of all this as being less about "if I could find out my age, I'd know for certain how to feel" and more "my age at the time matters far less than the fact I didn't do this for my own sexual gratification, and it didn't harm my cousin."

[Boh]

I just hope it wasn't for sexual gratification. I recall i was kinda lonely as a teen, had hard times having friends, and i hope that didn't impact on me as some sort of sexual deviant. My memory is that we had some sort of conversation and i briefly exposed myself. I don't remember arousal(sorry if i am too explicit) from my part or any attempt to force her doing something, but my OCD make me doubt everything or make me thing i'm downplaying it and justifying myself to feel better. Is it possible that at the time i had no concept of the age difference? I read that by the time you're 15 you should know, and that's what make me feel i'm not normal or i wasn't normal.
I hope i'll manage to find some sort of closure, because searching on internet just had mostly a negative impact. All those information about COCSA and the word abuser read more and more times had a strong impact on my last days to the point i'm questioning everything about myself.

[Sam W]

I'd actually suggest taking a break from looking for information on COCSA, especially because the more you describe how you're feeling, the more this sounds like OCD latching onto something and making you believe you're secretly bad or deviant than it is about you actually causing anyone any harm.

Too, a LOT of the conversations about COCSA on places like social media tend to erase context or make these broad declarations, rather than presenting actual, realistic information about what COCSA is and what it does, and does not, involve. I'd add that, as you noted, there's no way for you to know certain things; continuing to search isn't going to bring you information, but it IS going to keep you locked in a loop with these negative thoughts. Does that make sense?

[Boh]

You're right, and thanks again.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!

[Boh]

I was wondering if at this point it would be better to delet the post because my ocd doesn't seem to decrease and now i feel regretting posting my story and i have the feeling that people could think i am a p***. I read you can be one starting at the age of 16. I'm very sorry if i am annoying people on this site with my reiteration, i know that seeking reassurance is a a sign of OCD, it's just that is too overwhelming lately.