I don't know what me and him are

[fresariver]

Hello! I recently started talking to this guy that I met at work. He's super sweet and we went to homecoming together, he buys me food, etc. We see each other every single day (and have for the past 3 weeks) because we walk to class together and then see each other at work after school. It's getting kind of serious and he's told me his parents want to meet me and my parents want to meet him as well! There's not really any issues except for the fact that it's almost October 3rd. It's a bit silly, but it's national boyfriend's day, and I don't know what to do. He's not my boyfriend and I won't consider us in a relationship unless he explicitly asks me to be his girlfriend, but at the same time it feels wrong not acknowledging the fact that we're dating on October 3rd. He's also reposted some stuff on TikTok (which were joke videos just talking about "me practicing for when my gf surprises me with marichi on october 3rd) so I think he might want me to do something for him? Would it be rude if he brings it up and I just tell him that he's not my boyfriend?

[Andy]

Hi there fresarives!

I think the most important question here is: Do you want to be his girlfriend?

The things people do together don’t define how is their relationship called, only how the people in it decide to call it does. If you want him to be your boyfriend than asking him if he would like that would be a good next step, and if you don’t want that but you suspect he is thinking about you this way then talking about it is the kinder thing to do as well. You can frame the conversation as a talk about how you both want your relationship to look, what do you expect from it and what words do you want to use for it.
Because people often have vastly different ideas and expectations when it comes to defining relationships. And you are right that a lot of the things you do together fit the idea of a lot of people how a romantic relationship looks like, there are also plenty of people who do these and consider each other friends. Does that make sense?

[fresariver]

Hello! (I made a reply earlier but I don't think it posted so my apologies if there is 2!)

I definitely see myself being in a relationship with him and I think he wants the same. The reason I say "I think" is because we've been very open with our feelings for each other and he's said multiple times that he wants us to be something more in the future but also he's kind of contradicted himself a few times and made it seem like he wasn't really in a good space for a relationship right now? It's one of the things that has left me questioning what we really are.

I do agree that I should ask him, however, and I definitely will sometime this week or the next! (He's sick with the flu currently and I don't want to put all of that pressure on him)

Also, if it's not too much of a bother, how would I navigate his problems with opening up? He's opened up to me about how his past girlfriend cheated on him with his (then) best friend two years ago and how it's affected him. I've done nothing but reassure him and prove that I'd never do something like that but I can tell he still overthinks it a lot and I'm lost on what I should do to get him to believe me fully

Thank you!

[KierC]

Hi Fresariver,

I agree with Andy and I think it’s a great idea to talk with him once he’s feeling a bit better. It sounds like there’s a couple different pieces of information you need from him before you define your relationship, including if he feels ready to be in a relationship, and if he’s willing to open up more to you. Do you feel like you could ask him directly how he feels about your relationship and where he’d like it to go?

I also think it’s a good idea to catalogue for yourself first what *your* wants and needs are for this relationship. We have an article that could help with thinking more about what you’d like to experience in your relationship, if it helps to think about before this conversation: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate Healthy Relationships

In terms of what you can do to get him to believe you after he was cheated on in the past, I do think this is an anxiety of his that doesn’t need to be taken on too much by you. What you can do is approach your relationship with honesty and with openness to conversation, and it sounds like you’re already doing that. I’ll add, too, the article I sent is a great model for what you can make sure to incorporate in any relationship, but it’s applicable to relationships where one or more partners are coming in with some anxiety, too. If he is having trouble trusting you because of something someone else did to him, though, while it’s completely understandable for him to feel affected by being cheated on, that’s something he needs to work on without having you do extra work to reassure him, beyond being a trustworthy and loving partner. Know what I mean? I do think it’s worth talking to him directly about this, if this is something that’s come up again. You could also tell him gently that you’re noticing some of these anxieties come up, and you want to give him a space to talk about it, potentially suggesting he receive some formal therapeutic support around the anxieties he’s having. How does that all sound to you?