About expectations...

[kylegarcia]

I've reached an unexpected stage: I've stopped putting my girlfriend on a pedestal, idealizing everything about her, and even seeing her as "perfect." I imagine this is actually ideal — after all, no one is perfect, and it's a more realistic view of relationships. It's crazy because idealizing her and seeing her as this flawless person who never makes mistakes was all I did for so long.

But at the same time, I feel like I'm not nearly as intense about the relationship as I used to be. This has affected me both emotionally (we used to always say the other was perfect, and that we loved each other more than anything. I've kind of stopped saying that, but she gets worried when I don’t, as she still says it) and even sexually. Now i feel a certain disconnect sometimes, especially since my sexual attraction is largely tied to my emotions. I'm a little afraid of losing interest overall — but I love her. Should I be worried?

[Heather]

Hi there, kyle.

Can you tell us a little bit more about this relationship? How long have you two been together? What kind of relationship is it (for instance, is it a mix of being romantic and sexual and friendship-based, or more just one of those things, or...)? What's your relationship history like: is this a first girlfriend for you?

I'm also curious about your overall feelings about relationships. Over time, most relationships are going to change and shift, and more often than not, they won't stay the same kind for years or decades, but will often change, like starting as platonic friends and becoming something romantic or sexual or the other way around. How do you feel about that? Are those kinds of changes built into your expectations, and do you feel pretty comfortable with them?

[kylegarcia]

Hey Heather!

It's a relationship that's almost 2 years old. It's a mix of both things: although it has its sexual side, it's much more based on the emotional, loving and friendly aspects.

I don't feel exactly 100% prepared for this kind of change, I guess, you know? She's my first girlfriend, just as I'm her first boyfriend. And changes scare me - I know we've evolved together in many aspects and, of course, nowadays we're much closer - but I miss how some things were in the past, for example. The idea of ​​us being perfect for each other was cool, but at the same time I just can't live like that anymore, I guess... it's confusing!

[Heather]

Thanks for that background, that's helpful. I also get why this might all feel confusing for you.

I for sure think with first romantic/sexual relationships it is SO hard to envision them not lasting forever, or not staying the way they are for forever. But I think it's equally important to know that the only way to actually sustain relationships is to do our best to *let* them change -- and they especially always will in periods of our lives like our teens and 20s where we as people are often changing pretty rapidly -- and to try and flow with that change as best we can.

We're never going to have new relationship energy in a relationship that isn't new anymore, not the kind we have when it's brand new, anyway. But we can for sure pull the special pieces of that out and kind of translate them into where we are actually at in a relationship, it just often means doing the kind of stuff that creates that kind of excitement: like new adventures together, for example, or bringing someone into parts of our lives they aren't in yet or aren't in in ways they could be, etc.

I also think that the change you have made with humanizing her more is actually something that supports growing your relationship: that, after all, allows you to get to know and connect with her more and more as a whole person, human flaws and foibles and all. I think this was also a good choice to sustain your relationship.

Can you talk to me a little about that disconnect you say you're feeling? What feels like it's missing that had you feeling more connected before?