phobia of cowgirl position

[Jlongdong]

I really need help and advice. I have a wonderful new girlfriend and had to explain to her that most of my sexual life, I have a legit phobia of cowgirl position (I also have OCD if that's relevant). I want her to feel good and I did make her climax in missionary but with cowgirl

-i'm worried about injuring my penis if she grinds on top and puts either downward pressure on my erection or pushes it to the side
-or i slip out and hit my penis
-and since I'm not in control, I can't make her stop in time at the slightest erectile bend or slipping out

She is very sexually demanding and has trouble respecting my phobia and would accuse me of not wanting her sexually even though that's not true. Her and I had sex 5 times in 2 days per her wishes

What should I do and am I understanding the mechanics of cowgirl correctly?


Also I have received handjobs before that we're good but I feel like I should tell her when she touches me that my erection is not meant to be pushed downwards or to the side and that because I am circumcised (happily, I believe in body positivity) that she shouldn't try to move skin up and down and should use lubricant

[aarija]

Hi Jlongdong, welcome to the boards
First, I want to affirm your right to set boundaries around any sexual activity that you aren't comfortable with. It is a bit concerning that your girlfriend has trouble respecting your physical boundaries, which is not OK. Her sexual satisfaction is not more important than you feeling safe and comfortable during sex. Too, it sounds like she is pressuring you into having sex on her terms, with little consideration for what you want.

and would accuse me of not wanting her sexually even though that's not true. Her and I had sex 5 times in 2 days per her wishes

This is coercive behavior and indicates an unhealthy sexual relationship. With your valid concerns about injury, and the discomfort you have experienced during sexual activity, I would say that this is not a safe sexual relationship for you to be in.

When you shared that you have a fear of cowgirl, did you share the specific fears you've listed here?

[Jlongdong]

To reply to your question, I did talk to her about my concerns and I told her I have been diagnosed with OCD and that concern might be an intrusive thought causing a phobia. She said I need to trust her and she wouldn't hurt me and I explained I do trust her but I still have a phobia of that position and I'm really sorry and wish I didn't have that phobia.

I talked a little bit about other ways to please her without that position and she told me part of why she liked that position is that in our new relationship she wanted to "make me hers" which was sweet.

She has a very high libido (sex drive) and we had sex 5 times within two days. The 5th time we did missionary she was thankfully able to climax by grinding herself more during intercourse. We previously tried cunnilingus and although she got extremely aroused and said I was doing it the way she wanted, I could tell she never quite climaxed. So I was very relieved the 5th time we had sex (we're a very new couple) that she climaxed and she seemed so happy and relaxed afterwards


I told her I would work on that phobia and I love her and I want to please her as much as she pleases me. I said one possibility is what if we try it in a very slow manner in the future so even if we don't enjoy it, it will help desensitize me to that phobia


I also wanted to try doggy style with her since she wants variety but the first time we tried it, her body is shorter than mine so I explained I couldn't bend my erection down to insert myself and we can try it again in the future but we need to position ourselves right (I've done doggy style before in the past with a partner)


I suppose another way I could help her feel variety is to use a vibrator on her. Maybe a vibrator while we both touch ourselves would give her more satisfaction. I do know right now she doesn't own a vibrator and she's probably like the novelty of the new sensation


By the way my girlfriend only speaks Spanish so I have to use an audio translator while her and I learn each other's languages. Still she understood what I mentioned and we had a coherent conversation

Do you have any advice on if I'm overthinking cowgirl position or a safe way to do it? I feel like if she leans towards my body that will help prevent accidental downward pressure. I really want to please her as much as she's pleased me and the whole conversation was embarrassing and I had to talk to her more than once about it. She apologized about her feelings being hurt and getting annoyed and said her past husband didn't desire intimacy with her and that's why she reacted that way and I apologized to her too about the phobia and I understood why she felt any rejection

[Andy]

Hi there,

First, I would like to ask you a few questions about the relationship with your girlfriend. How do you feel around her in general, are you exited about seeing her? Have you set any boundaries with her and feel free to put any other out there? Do you feel your agreements are mutual and your needs and wants are being asked about and respected? What do you feel when you picture yourself not being in that relationship?

Feel free to sit with those for a while before answering and really allow yourself to feel any feeling or thoughts that might come with them. Sometimes, when a problem occurs in a relationship, however isolated it might seem, it’s really useful to take a step back and evaluate that relationship as a whole.

[Jlongdong]

Hi Andy, I'm replying to what you mentioned right now. I love my girlfriend so much and she really loves me just as much. We feel very comfortable around each other and we trust each other. I am so happy when I see her in person and she becomes in a very good mood with me.

I'm also very happy that I found a woman that has a prominent sex drive (libido) that matches mine and is very enthusiastic about sex

When I mentioned I have a phobia of the cowgirl position (woman on top) because I get an OCD worry about what if my partner accidentally leans too far back, or to the side, or gyrates her hips too much, or I slip out, and then that would injure and bend my penis, I am speaking of a phobia in a very literal manner. It has nothing to do with her, this same phobia has been there with any woman. Although she gets satisfied and enjoys making love with me and she initiates sex not just to please me but she is genuinely aroused (which is really good) I still want to overcome this phobia.


One possibility is maybe upon insertion in that position, I can have her wait several seconds. As long as she is leaning towards me and not completely vertical I won't fear her applying downward pressure on my erection. Then I could talk to her to start a slow rhythm. Maybe I can have a phrase to tell her that means she needs to stay still for 5 seconds for any nervousness to go away


The only other position I had any problem with is that I used to have a friend that liked doggy style and when I would insert myself it still felt like the angle was off and my erection was having gentle downward pressure places upon it.

So with my current partner, I will communicate a way for us to get familiar and me comfortable in cowgirl position and also how to angle herself in doggy style especially with our height difference