How can I find a psychiatrist who respects queer people?

[Jay27]

My psychiatrist is really ignorant about asexuality and our appointments are short so I don’t have time to correct him. I don’t know if I should try to explain next time or give up and find someone else.

[Andy]

Hi there Jay,

I’m sorry to hear that your psychiatrist doesn't respect your identity, unfortunately most medical schools don’t provide any education about sexuality and not all doctors want or are able to fill the knowledge gaps themselves. I think, that if you are otherwise comfortable with him, explaining him your experience of asexuality or recommending him resources might be worth trying next time. And if that doesn't help or it is a really important topic for you regarding your mental health, searching for a new provider is a possibility as well. You can try asking for recommendations in queer spaces, for example in social media groups, LGBT+ helplines or community centers. Some healthcare providers will also list the things they specialize in or that they have additional training in, on their websites and queer identities might be among those. Lastly, you can also try contacting the possible new doctor beforehand asking if they have education in/experiencing with treating queer people. Does that help?

[Jay27]

How would you explain asexuality and/or being a stone top to a very clueless older cis het man?

[Latha]

Hi Jay,

The idea of explaining asexuality and the concept of being a stone top to an older man who has authority over you, but no context, is an intimidating task. The terms themselves are not that confusing, the question is whether he will accept your explanation with an open mind. If I was going to do this, I would start with some basic definitions, provide some context/personal thoughts, and then leave him with some resources. If you want, you could reference the DSM, which draws a distinction between asexuality and sexual dysfunctions: “If a lifelong lack of sexual desire is better explained by one’s self-identification as “asexual,” then a diagnosis of female sexual interest/arousal disorder/male hypoactive sexual desire disorder would not be made.”

For definitions:

• Asexuality: a sexual orientation that describes people who either do not experience or have not yet experienced any sexual desires at all, or who have experienced/do experience sexual desires, but not a desire to enact them with other individuals.

• Stone: In the context of sexuality, stone -- usually attached to "butch" -- describes someone who gets pleasure from pleasing/touching a partner, but does not themselves like to be touched sexually.

We have an article on asexuality here. And here is an article on stone butches from Autostraddle.

[Jay27]

He seems pretty fixated on me healing my trauma so that I can have penetrative sex even though I’ve already said that’s not important to me.

[Latha]

Oof, I can see how that would make these appointments difficult! This doctor is really making a lot of assumptions about trauma and sexuality. Even if a disinterest in penetrative sex is related to trauma, that isn't something you have to address if you don't want to. You don't have to want penetrative sex, and this doctor should be respecting your goals for your healthcare.

You could ask him some questions about why he prioritized penetrative sex so much to see if it will make him reflect. But it isn't your responsibility to educate him here, he has to have an open mind. If this is interfering with your care and talking about it isn't helping, it might really be time to find another doctor.

You've mentioned that this doctor is a psychiatrist. Will you still have access to any medication you take if you stop seeing him? If there is a chance that will be interrupted, you might want to find another psychiatrist before you leave.

[Jay27]

I rely on him to get my psych meds, yes. I’m concerned about finding someone else because I live in a conservative town so idk if I can do better. I’ve also been emotionally abused and gaslit by a previous psychiatrist.

[KierC]

Hey Jay,

First, I am so sorry you’re having this experience with your psychiatrist. Agreeing with Latha and Andy, it is so not appropriate for your psychiatrist to prioritize you having sex with insertion. I hear you that you need to continue appointments with him to get your medicine. I have a couple ideas:

1. Is your psychiatrist working in an office with other practitioners, with an office or office person to call? If so, you may be able to call them to ask to see someone different in the same office, who might be able to continue your prescriptions, while you find a solid new psychiatrist.
2. If that option doesn’t sound workable, how would you feel about looking to see if there might be a better informed and more respectful psychiatrist to see before leaving this psychiatrist?
3. I hear you that you live in a conservative town and it might be hard to find someone. Finding a respectful and informed psychiatrist is something we can help with, if that is something you’d like. If you feel comfortable sharing your location (this email form will reach us more privately), we can help see if we can point you in the right direction.

[Jay27]

I just sent an email with my location.

[KierC]

Thank you! I’ll let our staff who check that email know to expect your message.

[KierC]

Just popping back in to say we got your email. We will look for resources now and see if we can find some options for you to consider. Would you prefer if a list of possible resources/psychiatrists were emailed back to you?

[Jay27]

Yes, I’d prefer to keep that over email so I don’t give my location out on the boards.

[KierC]

Totally understandable. I will let you know when we’ve compiled some options and sent the email to you. It may not be for a couple days as I am about to clock out of my shift for the weekend, but we will be back in touch with you! And in the meantime, we’re here if you need any more support.

[Jay27]

Thank you!