Telling new partner i can't have sex?

[Lilybells]

Might be a slightly triggering topic? I'm being vague, but i'm talking around sex oriented CPTSD, so take that as you will.

So me and this girl have realised we want to date each other (yay) which is great and fun, but i realised that a relationship means i have to actually bring up my inability to have sex.

To summarise vaguely, i've had a very warped and messed up view of sex since i was old enough to know what it was, and mixed with my asexuality, i can't really reassociate it with good & nice things. The idea of sex in general is great, big fan, but the idea of me specifically having sex is absolutely horrific to me, and i've made peace with the fact that that's not gonna change.

The main issue here for me is that i've never talked to anyone about it before. She knows i have CPTSD and that i want to start therapy this year, but that's it, no other details. Neither of us have dated anyone before so we're thankfully equally clueless, but it means i have absolutely no clue how or when to bring it up.

I'm not sure if she knows im asexual (mentioned it a few times in group chats we're both in but she doesn't check them reguarly) or how much not having sex would matter to her, but i'm terrified to have the conversation. I don't want to waste her time if it's a deal breaker for her, but simultaneously the thought of her having a negative reaction is a devastating idea to me.

TLDR; the thought of talking about it is very triggering to me but i know it's a conversation that has to happen eventually and i have no clue how to go about it. help?

[Sofi]

Hi Lilybells, welcome to the boards!

I hear your concerns and they're valid - talks like these can be scary when we like someone and don't know how they'll react. One thing to think about is: you clearly want to date her because she's great, right? And anyone who's great would be understanding and compassionate about this, right? The absolute worst case scenario here should be that her needs around sex are too different and she calls things off, which of course would suck, but it would happen regardless of when you bring this up and is a compatibility problem (does not reflect on you, or her). However there's also a chance she will be totally fine with it and it will be a non-issue, or you two can have an open conversation and find ways to meet both of your needs in a way you're both comfortable with.

The best way, in my opinion, to have a conversation like this is in person (or at least on the phone, or ideally a video call - just not through texts). You could give her a heads up if you want, that there's something you want to talk to her about next time you hang out, and perhaps let her know it has nothing to do with *her* and isn't anything bad so she doesn't get anxious! Then going into the conversation I suggest being as honest and vulnerable as you can comfortably. It's way better to lay it all out there than to hold back with a partner. Give her space to ask questions, share what her needs and wants are around sex, and think about it if she needs to. You'll be surprised how many people are understanding not only about asexuality but trauma around sex in general, and it sounds like you two were friends first, so she certainly cares about you.

Can I ask, what are your main concerns here? Are you worried the conversation will be "too much", or she won't want to date anymore, or something else? That will help us give you more tailored advice. Regardless - try to not get too anxious about this (I know, easier said than done) and just keep in mind it's just a conversation

[Lilybells]

That hugely helps, thank you so much.

I think the reason the conversation freaks me out is the idea of tying my desirability and worth in a relationship to my ability (or lack thereof) to have sex, which logically i know isn't right, but it still bothers me.

I'll definitely keep this all in mind moving forward, it's very good to have an outside perspective, thank you <3

[Sofi]

Hey, things don't have to make logical sense to be valid. What you're feeling makes sense. But as you said, it's not true that your worth is tied in any way to your needs and wants around sex. You would be surprised how many couples don't have sex often, or at all, and not always because both or even one of them is asexual. It just isn't an important part of relationships for some people. Of course it's equally valid for it to be super important to someone, but that's the great thing about our ability to choose a partner who's on the same page as us on that kinda stuff!
Wishing you good luck in your conversation, feel free to come back and update us or ask anything else that comes up. <3