My boyfriend won’t kiss me after I give him a blowjob—why do I feel bad?

[Mitzi!!]

Hi! Last night, I performed oral sex on my boyfriend for the first time. It was really fun and exciting, and both I and him enjoyed it a lot! It seems we have different preferences about kissing after oral on each other, so I would like some advice about that.

So, after he tried performing a little bit of oral sex on me, he kissed me which felt amazing. I love love love to kiss him and be close to him. (In fact, being close to him like that just makes me want to kiss him more). But when I went to kiss him after performing oral sex on him, he recoiled and said I couldn’t kiss him until my mouth was clean—so I got up and went to go brush my teeth and came back before we could kiss again.

For me, I don’t mind, because they are all just bodily fluids and body parts (And we’re both very clean). I told him this point of view and he said it’s different since he has a penis—he thinks the fluids down there are really really gross, and he hates the idea of tasting his own semen.

I understand that it is his preference and he never, EVER has to do any sex acts (like kissing) he doesn’t want to do. But somehow, his disgusted reaction made me feel really bad, like he thinks my mouth is dirty after I did that with him. I feel really bad about this, and the prospect of giving him oral sex in the future. Which I WANT to feel excited about, because when I did it, it was really fun and exciting! (It’s the first time either of us are doing anything like this!) How do I navigate this situation?

[AliahMaharaj]

Hi Mitzi!!,

It’s great that you and your boyfriend both really enjoyed trying out oral sex!

From what you described, it seems like his discomfort around kissing after you perform oral sex on him may come from negative feelings he has around his own body (which could lead to him feeling like his bodily fluids and their taste are “gross”), not from him thinking you or your mouth were dirty, especially because he kissed you after performing oral sex on you.

It’s understandable to feel bad about his reaction when you tried to kiss him, especially because kissing him is something you love that helps you feel close to him, but the fact that you were understanding of his feelings and boundaries, while also making the effort to communicate your own feelings to him shows that the two of have great communication in your relationship. (That’s the first step in navigating situations like this!).

It may be helpful to have an open conversation where you talk with each other about how this situation is affecting you both (him about his feelings towards oral sex and his body, and you about how his reaction made you feel).

It’s not about getting each other to change your behavior or putting blame on each other, (as you rightfully said, he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do, and neither do you), it’s about having a space for you both to be honest about what you’re comfortable with, what you’re not, and why.

How does all this sound to you?

[Mitzi!!]

Dear Aliah Maharaj,

I would love to have a conversation like that with him! How do I talk to him about it in an open, non-defensive way?

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response.

[Anya]

Hi Mitzi!

Jumping in here-

Glad you asked this question! Open, non-judgmental communication can sometimes feel difficult because of the vulnerability it requires, but the good news is that the more we practice, the more we can grow!

In conversations like this I have often found that it is really helpful to speak using "I" statements to describe feelings like: "I really like doing oral sex with you", "Sometimes I feel ___ when you don't want to kiss me afterwards because of how close it makes me feel to you" "I want to be able to find a solution that we are both happy with so that we can have fun sex together and still feel the closeness of kissing afterwards", or "this is something that I want but I want to know what you want so that we can figure it out together".

A good rule of thumb for this as well is to sandwich your statements. That means trying to start with something affirming like "I really care about you and love having sex with you" and then you can move into the subject you specifically want to being up. Ive found this can make people more receptive, and lessen the risk of someone feeling attacked. Being able to frame the whole reason you're having the conversation as an act of love or care can help people feel like you're on the same side and its becuase you care that you want to talk it through. Then once you've voiced the issue you're having you can start to ask questions. They could be questions like: "How does that make you feel?", "what might your ideal compromise be?", "is this a hard limit, or something that's negotiable for you?" to get a sense of where he's at in the moment.

Conversations like these can also be paused and resumed if someone needs time to process, so if it starts to feel too uncomfortable, don't be afraid to ask or offer to pick it back up the next day. Communication is an ongoing part of relationships that doesn't have any universal timeline.

How does this sound to you?

[Mitzi!!]

Hi Anya!!

Thank you so much for your response! You have given me really, really helpful vocabulary for talking about this with him

I am a little nervous because it was our first time doing that, and I don't want to harsh the vibe/make him feel discouraged, but I know it's important to address.

[Anya]

Totally understandable. And you're right, these things can feel kind of risky when we don't know how someone else is going to respond to us, but in the long run, addressing preferences, compromises, and hard boundaries earlier rather than later might save us unnecessary strife down the line.

The other thing to remember when trying to honestly communicate with others is that their response is more reflective of themselves than you. We always hope we are met with agreement or understanding from others, but if that's not the case it can get harder to remember we are still doing the right thing by addressing things instead of ignoring them. Communication can be tricky for sure, but the more you practice, the better you get!

[Lydia0001]

It sounds like a tough spot, but it’s really about understanding each other’s boundaries and feelings. His reaction might not be about you or your mouth being "dirty"—it could be more about his own discomfort with bodily fluids. It’s great that you want to talk about it though! Just be honest with him, let him know how you feel, and ask how he feels, too. It’s all about finding that balance so you both can enjoy things without feeling awkward. Don't let his reaction make you feel bad about something you enjoyed.

[Mitzi!!]

Thanks so much guys! I'll let you know how it goes

[Jacob]

Good luck Mitzi!

I do want to add that if your partner does come at this from an even self-aware but still judgemental angle that this is still his problem. I do feel he has responsibility for responding to what he's ready for, and you might consider part of being ready as including a willingness to "go where you go", which you're allowed to want. Even if it's unintended, if his reaction leaves you feeling unpleasant there's no reason why you can't ask that you don't try this again until he feels differently.

That's not to say you can't both decide what you want from your conversation, but I personally wouldn't want to eat at a restaurant where the chef refuses to taste what they're serving! I don't think the chef should have to, but I reserve my right to say "no thanks!". I also don't think anyone else needs to react the same way as me, but they certainly have a right to.

I totally hope you do have the empathetic and supportive conversation you were hoping for with each-other about this, I just wanted to add that you are also allowed to be dissatisfied with his reaction if it doesn't go so well!

[Mitzi!!]

Dear Jacob,

It is really helpful to hear that. I was trying to make sense of some of the frustration I felt about the situation, and it really helps to think about it that way. I will try and keep my own wants and needs in mind, too, when I talk to him about it—thank you so much!

[Jacob]

Aw I'm so glad that was helpful, Mitzi and I'm glad you're feeling like you know what you want from the conversation!