Dating someone mentally ill, how do I know when it gets unhealthy

[Tonyy0504]

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I've been with my partner for a little over a year now, but in the past couple of months or so it has been really stressful. Both them and I have our own individual issues (we both have anxiety) and they seem to have been spiraling a lot, especially in the past couple of months, and I find myself to be the person they run to when they're stressed. I don't mind because I always try to be there for people but the problem lays in how I feel towards this. I find myself to be a people pleaser, along with being the designated "therapist friend", and I feel so stressed when I'm there for them especially because when they are not in a good state of mind they ignore everything I say and it turns into a cycle of them making incredibly irrational decisions and then apologizing to me. I tried to speak my mind on how I feel about them, but because they have a low self-esteem, they begin to blame everything on themselves when I just wanted to fix the problem and the cycle of me having to comfort them all over again continues. I want to help them to the best of my ability, I really do, and I know that they are in therapy which is helpful, but I feel like I'm slowly losing myself, and I'm always on edge because I feel as if I have to anticipate the next time they start to have another episode. I also feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings and I just feel overall so lonely sometimes in this relationship. I don't know what to do because I feel like they've been getting better this month but it seems like they're going back into the state they were in around two months ago and I'm getting so anxious at the thought of me trying to uplift them knowing I can't really fix them. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do in this relationship because I really do love them but I don't know how I'm supposed to set boundaries and communicating with them about how I feel without them immediately blaming themself and blowing everything out of proportion.

[KierC]

Hey Tonyy0504, and welcome to the boards <3

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so alone in this dynamic, but I am glad you’re here to talk about it. Being the therapist friend in friendships and relationships can be a big ask of one person, and you deserve a space to talk about how this all makes you feel. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of comforting and reassuring for your partner recently which is a kind thing to do for them, but I hear you that it’s getting more intense and stressful when you’re the primary person they go to in moments of crisis, and when talking to them about it results in them blaming themself. In relationships, it’s okay to find that it’s not 50/50 every moment of the day, but sometimes it’ll be 60/40 in someone’s direction who needs more help that day. But, as you’re describing, when it gets to the point where one partner is doing the majority of the emotional lifting on a more routine basis, it can result in some pretty bad feelings and the development of an unhealthy dynamic.

I have a couple questions first to get a better sense of the situation. How does you and your partners external support system look like apart from each other? Specifically, does your partner have friends or people to go to in times or crisis that are not you, that you could encourage them to reach out to as well?

I also want to send this article we have, How To Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics, it offers a great how-to for conflict resolution and talking about tough stuff with a partner. Does going through that article give you some ideas about talking to your partner about this where they might react less defensively? Just to be clear, I’m not saying you have a problem with communication at all, but sometimes when a partner gets reactive to what we say, it can be really helpful to approach things with all the good communication tools we have available. How does that sound to you to start?

[Tonyy0504]

Hello, thanks for the article. Apart from each other, it seems like their support system is rather small, they have friends but they don't like talking to them because according to them, their friends "aren't as supportive in the way (they'd) like them to be", so they usually almost always turn to me. I'm trying to set boundaries with them in regards to seeking help but whenever they seem like they're freaking out even if it's over something small like being upset that they forgot something at home or something isn't working out for them that day my brain just... automatically goes to take care of them without a thought for myself and the repercussions of it later (I'm trying to be nice and say that me taking care of them is okay, but I think it seems to be doing more damage than good for me because it feels like I'm always rushing to take care of them).

[Andy]

Hi there Tonyy0504,

thank you for all the details, it is really helpful. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, I have been in a really similar one more than once and I know it can get really difficult. I will try to think of things that helped me and hopefully some of it will be useful to you as well.

Firstly, I would like to ask how do you feel asking your partner for support and help? I’m asking because I think at least part of the stress in situations like this can come from not feeling like you have the right to ask for or accept support, or even the other person not being used to and willing to provide it. That doesn't mean that they have to be there for you when they don’t feel up to it but making sure you can feel comfortable asking for what you need regarding both support and boundaries should you need it can go a long way. Let us know if you want advice on how to bring this up with your partner!

Secondly, what really helped me was making it clear when I am available and when not and finding ways to stick to that even when I found it hard. This could for example look like muting my notifications when I was at school/work or went to sleep or even when I was just tired. Important part of this for me was working with the other person to establish a plan how they can get the support they might need even when I’m not available, like contacting other people or a helpline. It helped me relax and take some of the imagined responsibility off my shoulders. After all, they will always be times when we aren’t available to help our close ones so establishing how they can get help themselves can be really useful for them as well.

Lastly, as Kier mentioned, having other people in one’s support system is really important and I’m sorry to hear you partner doesn’t feel comfortable asking their friends for help. Have they mentioned how exactly would they want their friends to be supportive? I’m wondering if maybe specifying it and talking about this with the said friends might be helpful because it might just be that they would like to help but just don’t know how to best do that.

Does anything here like it might be helpful? We can certainly discuss any of these ideas more or brainstorm some others.

I also want to say that it’s really nice that you are trying to be there for your partner but it is also great that you were able to recognize that it is starting to worn you out and are searching for way to make it better for both of you. It can be really hard to balance taking care of other and ourselves, especially for those of us being on the taking care side more often, so I think it’s great that you are thinking and talking with us about it!