Can’t orgasm except to bad smut

[8prettyfirework]

Hi! I’m a 19 year old transgender woman who is struggling to orgasm. The only thing that works, or has ever worked, is a bad erotic choose your own adventure story that I leant on for years to feel validated as a woman and that I don’t even enjoy and barely makes me horny. But when I read it, I do feel a build up and I’m usually able to orgasm quickly. It’s entirely utilitarian. I want to be able to orgasm when I’m doing things that actually turn me on. I can’t masturbate to anything else. I can’t orgasm when I have sex (which I have been doing with my partner for over a year). When I try, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I usually end up feeling really upset that I’ve failed again. The feeling is much more intense, but there’s no build up, and no end. I don’t understand why something I don’t like is more effective than something I do like. And I really do enjoy the sex a lot (aside from always feeling upset at the end). I know orgasming isn’t the most important thing about sex but it makes me extremely sad that I’m unable to do it to something I feel comfortable and happy in.
Does anyone know what’s wrong?

[KierC]

Hey 8prettyfirework, and welcome to the boards!

I want to start by saying that there’s nothing wrong with you for what you’re describing here, but I hear you that being able to orgasm more easily to something you don’t enjoy is concerning to you. I can certainly appreciate how confusing that might feel too, and I’m sorry to hear that it’s making you feel badly.

I have a couple of clarifying questions so I can understand a bit better, if that’s okay! When you say the erotic choose your own adventure/smut it “bad,” what about it do you feel is bad? Too, is there something you can identify about it that you feel makes you more aroused?

I want to say, too, it can be difficult to orgasm when it’s at the forefront of your mind or when you’re trying hard to orgasm. So, one avenue to explore might actually be to gently place orgasm aside as a “goal,” and instead take the time to notice and appreciate the moments of pleasure or intensity you feel. It sounds like you really enjoy sex with your partner even without orgasm— are there parts of that that you can lean into or focus on more for a bit?

[8prettyfirework]

Hi, thank you so much for your response!
The choose your own adventure story/stories were primarily about being 'turned into a woman' in various ways, with very heavy sexual themes but generally not anything explicitly written/shown. It became a method of escapism from my body which at the time I couldn't stand to be in at all. After a few years I started masturbating to it and other similar stories. It was quite expansive and quite a lot of content like it existed so I became quite reliant on it. Nowadays, being on hormone replacement therapy (excluding very heavy genital dysphoria which makes it quite hard to feel comfortable enough to interact with my genitals during sex) I am quite happy with how I look and very confident in my identity as a woman, and interacting with the smut (which places you back in the position of being a man for most of it, which feels like regressing back to how I felt before only for the 'relief' of having that taken away again) or anything like it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable/dissociated and insecure, but it's the only thing I can get to 'work'. It doesnt feel sexually gratifying, just mechanical. Like I have to 'clear it out' every now and again to stop feeling frustrated from weeks of sex with no relief.

I have been trying to live in the moment and not focus/worry about orgasming (and for quite a while I was perfectly content like that) but after over a year it's become difficult not to, I'm terrified i've trained my brain to only be able to respond to something incredibly specific and that I'll be stuck being never able to orgasm during actual sex and it's hard to take it off my mind. Meand my partner do quite strongly believe that if I had bottom surgery everything would be a lot easier to achieve and I would be finally completely comfortable enough (not having a vagina is maybe the main reason I have to keep coming back to fantasising using that material?). And I have been desperately trying to get that done ASAP (even moving to the US from the UK and starting a pathway there... but considering how the political situation turned out I'm terrified it'll be banned nationwide and I'll be stuck like this for even longer). Most days at this point it's extremely hard to leave bed due to my bottom dysphoria and I have constant panic attacks over it.

[KierC]

Hey 8prettyfirework,

Thank you for telling me this information, this is all really helpful to know and I am glad that you feel comfortable sharing here. <3 It sounds like the erotic media you read served its purpose at one point in your life when you felt like you needed to escape, but now it’s making you feel uncomfortable, particularly because it places the reader in the position of a man for a lot of it. This may sound a bit simple, but if the media you’re consuming makes you feel uncomfortable or dissociated, or if it triggers bottom dysphoria, how would you feel about taking a break from reading that particular media/genre? Too, is there anything in the genre that you feel helps you orgasm that might exist elsewhere without the bottom dysphoria aspect or the focus on genitals that you might be able to explore?

I hear you that you’ve spent some time placing orgasm aside and it still feels the same, and I’m sorry that this has made you worry that you’ll be “stuck” with feeling this way. The things we enjoy change over time, and it is very likely that you will find something else you enjoy too as you continue to explore what you like. I hear you, too, about the bottom dysphoria you’re experiencing and how it might relate to going back to this genre. Sometimes, seeing the thing we’re worried about or think about often play out can help us feel a little more steady, but it can also lend to some bad feelings too. <3 I think, though, if this is the case, how would you feel about exploring media that represents this in a more affirming way, perhaps where the reader is put in the position of a woman for the most or all of it?

On bottom surgery: Agh, I feel for you so much here. Moving to a new country in an effort to pursue bottom surgery only for this country to get screwed up. You know, if you’d like support in seeing if bottom surgery is accessible near you, I can drop a note to our team and see if we might be able to help with roadblocks or troubles you experience in the process if you’d like. Does that sound like something that would help?

I’m sorry to hear you’re having panic attacks and that it’s hard to leave the bed. I know this can feel so overwhelming, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you, however you’d like support, and we’re standing by you. Do you feel like you’d like some more support with mental health surrounding the panic attacks as well? We have resources for mental health support I can pass your way, if you’d find that to be helpful. Too, is there any self-care or affirming activities you’re doing that help with bottom dysphoria for you, or would you like to talk about that? <3