Concerns about vaginal tightness and producing enough lubrication

[Lanabrown]

I saw someone posted something similar but Hi ladies, I am 17 going to be 18 this year and I am having trouble with fingering. I’ve gone to my doctor to make sure my hormone levels are normal and they told me to get water based lubricant to help with vaginal penetration. I’m pretty sure I don’t have vagismus. I do pelvic exercises to relax my muscles but for some reason, I can’t get even my pinky inside me without being met with a lot of resistance and slight pain. I think that I am not producing enough lubricant and I can’t switch my brain off enough to relax. I just want to learn what works for me in terms of pleasure. I also bought a vibrator and it feels good but I can’t bring myself to orgasm and the vibrations become painful after a while. The reasons this is a problem is (1) the vibrator doesn’t help me orgasm and I want to know what it feels like and (2) I’m thinking of having sex with my bf but I want to learn my body before doing anything with him. I would love professional advice but any advice for this would be greatly appreciated

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Lanabrown, welcome to Scarleteen!

Not being able to switch your brain off to relax can definitely be frustrating! When you've been engaging in solo sex, have you been jumping straight into the act or have you been utilizing foreplay? It may be some trial and error, but taking the time to get to know yourself and what makes you aroused can absolutely help with that relaxation as well as your natural lubrication. I know your doctor recommended water-based lubricant, but have you utilized that advice or are you still trying with just your natural lubrication? With lube of any kind, there's no harm in using it to make whatever act you're engaging in easier!

[Lanabrown]

Hi Caitlin! I have tried using my own natural lubricant and the water based and a combination of both. Nothing works And by foreplay wdym? I have an idea but I’d like it if you clarified what you meant by that. Also, I get aroused out of nowhere. I could be talking to my bf and I’d start feeling aroused or I could be grocery shopping. I don’t have a problem with feeling aroused

[CaitlinEve]

I can definitely clarify that for you! By foreplay, I mean working yourself up to arousal/masturbation. For some people, that may look like mood lighting and some songs to get them in the mood, while for others it can be nipple (or other erogenous zone) stimulation.

I also found some advice columns for you that you may find helpful:
Why Don't I Self-Lubricate Enough?
Will Hell Freeze Over Before I Reach Orgasm?

[Lanabrown]

Yes before I try solo play, I set my led lights to something that gets me in the mood more, I might fantasize about something, I play with my nipples and try to touch my body the same way my bf does. Now that I’ve read the articles, I’ve performed oral sex on my bf and he’s done it once to me but I didn’t find it very enjoyable. I don’t take any medications including birth control pills and I try to eat as clean as possible so I’m not sure being natural is the problem. My doctor also recommended KY jelly so that’s the one I got but I might have to try one of the other ones mentioned in the article.

[HannahP]

Hi Lanabrown!

I think it's great that you've been experimenting with masturbation. I saw that you wrote that you have trouble "switching your brain off" — do any of the things you've tried help with that? Are you finding the experience enjoyable overall, even though you haven't been able to orgasm yet?

To get back to the issue of lubrication and not being able to put your finger inside, I have a couple of thoughts. Firstly, using lube like KY jelly is always a great idea, but as you've noticed, lubrication isn't the only thing you need to be able to insert something. Another important factor is how relaxed your body is. All the lube in the world isn't going to help you insert something if your muscles are squeezed tight — and the tricky thing is that it's really hard to relax enough if you're feeling worried or anxious about whether you'll be able to be relaxed enough!

Often we recommend that if insertion is painful or stressful, like you describe, you take a break from it for a bit. A lot of our users tell us that they want to insert their fingers while masturbating in order to "practice" for having sex with their partners, but it's actually incredibly common for women to not insert anything while masturbating at all. A lot of women find it most pleasurable to only touch on the outside, focusing on their clitoris. So my advice is that if your body doesn't seem to want you to insert anything yet, listen to it! Focus only on the kinds of touch that feel good, whatever they are. For more advice along those lines, I'd recommend this article: Ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body!

What many people find is that over time, as their body learns to associate touch with pleasure (instead of anxiety or fear of pain), it relaxes enough to be able to explore insertion. But you kind of have to go at your body's pace, even if that's slower than you'd like. Does that make sense?

[Lanabrown]

Hi Hannah, when I do try masturbating, it’s enjoyable for a few seconds (about 20-30) and then the vibrations become painful and that is on the lowest setting. Before I bought a vibrator, I tried using just my hand but that didn’t bring any pleasure. It just felt like pressure on my clitoris.

I don’t know how to get out of my head unfortunately. I might have to talk to my doctor about that when I see her again but even in other aspects of my life I overthink so much to the point where I’m overthinking about overthinking. I just don’t know how to stop.

Regarding your statement about stopping for a while, I think that’s just what I have to do. I think I’ve tried everything at this point but I’m a lost cause until I can figure out how to fully relax.

I really appreciate your advice tho <3

[HannahP]

Hi Lana! That's really helpful information. What you're describing of it feeling good and then starting to hurt is called "overstimulation" and it's really common, especially for people experimenting with vibrators. Basically, your nerves are just getting overwhelmed by the sensation. There are a couple of things you can try to get around this, though! A simple one is that you could try using the vibrator over a layer of fabric, like by keeping your underwear on. Another option is to try using the vibrator for a short amount of time and then turning it off before it gets painful — like in your case, maybe 10 seconds. After that you could rest for a short amount of time or try touching with your hands instead. Then, try again with the vibrator. Alternating back and forth can give your body time to recover from the sensation so it doesn't get overwhelmed.

If anxiety is something that you struggle with in the rest of your life, it makes perfect sense that you struggle with it in this case, too! Have you ever been able to see a counselor or therapist to talk about general anxiety?

I think taking a break from trying to insert your fingers is a great idea, but I wouldn't call you a lost cause! At your age, it is so so common to be still figuring out what is pleasurable or what you enjoy. I think focusing on kinds of pleasure that are easy and low-stress will help a lot.

[Heather]

Just seeing this and want to add some important things!

KY Jelly -- KY anything -- is pretty much the WORST lube. It's one of the oldest and has absolutely not kept up with advances in lubes. So, I'd also suggest switching lubes and maybe seeing if you can't also get a better OB/GYN who also has kept better up to date with things. I'm actually pretty shocked to hear a doctor still suggesting KY Jelly as lube in 2025.

With that vibrator, you might also think about placement. Vibrators right on the clitoral hood or glans can be too much for people, especially right when they start using them in a session. You might see how it feels instead over your mons or labia majora for a bit first, only moving it to your external clitoris when you're already feeling very good from that other stimulation.

I also don't know what kind of exercises you are doing, but if it's something like kegels, that's actually the LAST thing anyone struggling with tightness should be doing, because those are to tighten the pelvic floor and those muscles, not relax them. I doubt you need to be doing anything when it comes to this, but if you're not sure about that -- if you are not sure this isn't a health condition, and if you are experiencing pain with only slight contact, it could be -- then you want to see someone qualified to help you with it, and from the sounds of things, that's not the doctor you saw so far. Instead, you want to seek out someone like an OB/GYN or pelvic physical therapist. <3