My dad is planning on marrying my mom soon and I’m not happy

[atthemall3]

So, I’m new to this and idk how it works so if I’m doing something wrong don’t yell at me please… this is sort of a vent but if anyone has advice it’d be appreciated. I (15 FTM) have been living in an apartment with my mom, brother, and grandma for my whole life. My dad was a weekend father and I saw him on Saturdays whatever. He’s a MAGA supporter and my mom and I lean left, I’m trans and he does not know. My relationship with him is somewhat strained. I’ll probably be 16 by time the wedding happens but he decided to wait until I was this old to throw a major change in my face which I am DEEPLY struggling with (I’m already struggling waiting for an autism evaluation and I’ve been very depressed and irritable since he told me.) I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place because I love my mom and I want the best for her. I know she wants to get married. But I’m not happy. I’ll have to live with him, I’ll have to deal with them… I’m kind of triggered by sex, still working on my relationship with it and I do NOT want to hear them having sex. I can’t tell my mom obviously because it’s a surprise but I’ve been so mad, so sad, and I’m scaring everyone. I don’t want to do this. I can’t deal with this, this year has been very very hard for me already, my grandma has cancer, he just sprung this on me today and I can’t deal with it, I just can’t.

[Latha]

Hi there, Atthemall3 — welcome to Scarleteen! Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong. Even if you did, we wouldn't yell at you, we would just talk to you.

Reading your post, I'm not surprised that this feels terrible. This is a big change coming at a time when you are already so stressed and have so much going on. And it doesn't seem like you have the closest relationship with your father — if he is MAGA and you lean left and are trans, I imagine that might feel scary. I understand that you want to support your mother, but you may have to talk to her about at least some of your feelings around this. Doing so doesn't mean you don't want the best for her. Rather, you'll be giving her important information. You've mentioned that your family is worried about you — they probably want to know what is happening, and if there is something they can do to help.

I have a few questions:

• Generally, people are careful to avoid having sex in ways that others can hear. May I ask about what makes you think you'll hear them? Are the walls very thin?

• Does your mother know that you are trans? If she doesn't, do you know what she thinks about trans people?

[atthemall3]

So I’m reluctant to talk to her because the proposal is a surprise and will be most likely happening in early May.

It’s just happened before. I’m a light sleeper and I have sensitive hearing and I’ll probably be moving into a new place and I struggle sleeping in new places so it just adds more stress. Plus my dad makes stupid sex jokes in front of me sometimes and it makes me kind of feel weird tbh. Keep it to yourself lol

My mom doesn’t know I’m trans… fully. She might think I’m nonbinary cause she refers to me as a “person” not a man or a woman. She’s supportive of trans people I just don’t know if I want to come out

[Andy]

Hi there, atthemall3!

I’m sorry to hear you find yourself in this position, being worried about potentially sharing a place with someone who you don’t feel comfortable around must be so stressful.

I’m wondering if there is a way to bring up some of your worries to your mum without mentioning the possible proposal, if you don’t want to. You can tell her how his political stance makes you feel (with or without regard to your identity), how is your relationship with him and how you feel around him. You can also brainstorm ways to avoid hearing them having sex, this can include them choosing places and times when this won’t happen, using white noise machines or headphones etc.
Does that sounds like a conversation you can have with her? Do you need any help with it?

You mentioned you love your mom and want the best for her. Chances are she feels the same way about you and how *you* feel about everything is important to her. So she probably wouldn’t want you to prioritize herself over your well being, and will be glad that you talk about this with her.

[Heather]

Hey there, atthemall3. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this incredibly difficult position. I have a couple questions for you, and I also have some thoughts on this I want to offer you.

Here's one of the things I have to offer I think is most important: your mother getting a surprise wedding proposal, or any kind of wedding proposal, does not trump (no pun intended, ugh, I hate that word is not useable anymore) your well-being or your need to be safe, and I'd hope that the parent of anyone feels that way about their child. I also feel that it's a parent's responsibility to put the well-being of their child way ahead of things like wanting to be married for themselves. I think I would feel that way regardless, particularly as someone who has worked in advocacy for children and teens my whole career, but I extra think that as someone who barely survived an abuser my mother married because she was not someone who was able to center her children's needs over her own wants. Marrying someone abusive -- and MAGA people's belief systems are inherently abusive -- is a danger to everyone involved, particularly any minors involved who don't have the legal right or autonomy to leave for somewhere safe.

Mind, I think things like not wanting to hear other people having sex isn't what to talk about here, because I'm not sure asking a parent not to have any sexual life is a fair ask, nor is them having one a thing that is a safety issue for their children. But you having to potentially live with someone who doesn't see you as a whole person and who doesn't care about your rights and welfare IS a safety issue.

I don't think you telling her about this is you spoiling anything, and I also think it wasn't right for your father to even put you in the position of having to decide this. I would lobby you both tell your mother and tell her that you do not feel safe living with your father and so are very concerned about this.

What I want to ask to know how much more to suggest is if you feel like it is safe for you to come out to your mother as trans now or not. If it feels like you can at all, I'm thinking that it's going to be a lot easier to get her to understand your feelings if you're able to just effectively say, "as a trans person, it just isn't safe for me to be living with a parent who is anti-trans." OTOH, if you don't think it's safe for you to come out to her -- including because she might tell your father -- then obviously that won't be the right way to go with this.

I also want to ask if you have any therapeutic support and possible help right now: do you have a therapist, by any chance, particularly a trans-friendly one? If you do, I think it is a good idea for us to talk about how you can enlist them for some help in this situation.

One last thing: we're having a hard time getting the sense of where this proposal is coming from. Have your parents been dating again? In other words, is this proposal coming from a place of them being in this kind of relationship for a while again (or maybe they never stopped?), or is it coming from totally out of the blue on your Dad's part?

[Jacob]

Hey atthemall3, I want to add one more thing further to the great advice above...

A surprise proposal, especially if it's somewhere public, can put a lot of pressure on someone to say yes, even if they don't want to. So you also might be doing your mom a favor in giving her a heads up. The fact that this what your dad is planning adds to what feels unsafe about him - in addition to everything you've already said and Heather has just spoken about.

A lot of times people have already agreed to get married so the proposal isn't a complete surprise it's more of a cultural ritual than the actual moment of agreement - if your mom hasn't had a chance to have that prior agreement (or disagreement) with your dad, she might very much appreciate talking about it with you. If she somehow would want to marry your dad, and for it to be a surprise proposal, she can still have that by going without knowing when it might happen, and if she really doesn't want it to happen it gives her the option to stop it - but perhaps more importantly, this conversation with you could also buy you some precious time to work out what you're going to need, if you know ahead of time if she's planning to say yes.

So I want to applaud you for recognizing that something here isn't right, gut feelings are always worth listening to - I hope this helps you think about the questions Heather has raised, and we can help you avoid some of the worst ways this could go!

[atthemall3]

I don’t mind them having a sex life I just don’t want to be a part in it if that makes sense- like if my dad would just keep the weird sex jokes to himself because it makes me wildly uncomfortable I don’t know.

I do have a trans friendly therapist and I have a meeting with her in about an hour. I’m hesitant to tell my mom anything because my dad said not to say anything to ANYONE.
They’ve been “dating” I guess for ~20 almost 21 years but they don’t live together rn so it’s a weird situation. I feel it’s technically safe to come out to my mom but I feel guilty.
My dad won’t physically hurt me fyi. It’s just emotional, the things he says sometimes, and the way I feel so so scared and not ready for this drastic of a change.

I feel very very guilty regardless of what I do kind of.

[Heather]

By all means, your Dad making unsolicited sex jokes to his minor kids is not a good look and is something that would make most people uncomfortable. I'm so sorry that kind of boundary violation is something you've had to deal with. And yes, ideally your parents would engage in a sexual life of their own that their kids don't feel they have been made part of. Does your Mom also have boundary issues around sex?

I'm also sorry your Dad has put you in this position. It isn't okay for him to tell you this and swear you to secrecy. Again, this sounds like a parent with serious problems when it comes to healthy boundaries with his kids. I get why you feel scared around all of this. I don't know where the guilt is coming from, but I hope you can at least start to tell yourself that caring for yourself and centering your emotional safety and well-being isn't something to feel guilty about: it's really important you do that.

I don't think you should be held to keeping this a secret just because your Dad told you to, but I do understand if what you're saying is that you don't feel emotionally safe telling your Mom because of the way your Dad is. Do I have that right?

I'm so glad you have that therapist. I hope you can talk about this with her today.