How do I deal with having feelings for someone with whom I know could never work out?

[Arasyil]

Basically there was this boy I met in college a couple years ago, and we became friends, but mostly in the context of school - we'd hang out at parties but not really outside of that.

He was really kind, sweet, nice, I liked everything about him honestly. I'm not sure if it counts to say I had a crush on him then, as I was definitely physically attracted to him, but through our conversations I didn't really have any real romantic attraction. He was an awesome friend, but it just didn't get to that level.

Anyways, later on we both sort of fell out of contact and we haven't talked in a few years. But occasionally throughout that time and increasingly more now, I've been having these feelings where I'm *wanting* to be romantically involved with him, because I remember how sweet he was when we were friends, but I know that's not realistic because even if we were to meet again, I don't think I'd actually *be* romantically attracted to him, if that makes any sense?

It's like I'm in love with the idea of the person, which sort of gets idealized as more and more time passes.

And I don't know where these romantic feelings are coming from, or why now, but I just woke up from a dream about this person, and woke up feeling pretty down about it. And combined with the physical attraction which honestly has never gone away, it's just really frustrating.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Arasyil,

As I'm sure you know, we can't control our romantic/sexual attraction and who it focuses on. What you're saying does make sense, especially as you haven't been in contact for a while. It sounds like you may be craving that connection and that this friend is a safe option for you to fantasize about because subconsciously you don't think it's actually a possibility. Does this sound like something you can relate to?

I went through our articles and found this one that you may find helpful: Is It Wrong To Get Wrapped Up In Potential Romantic Futures?. This article (particularly the second half) focuses a lot on autistic individuals, but don't let that put you off of it if you aren't autistic as this is something EVERYBODY can deal with.

[Arasyil]

Hey Caitlin!

Honestly, yeah. I'm definitely craving some kind of a romantic connection right now, and so it's like my brain thinks its found the perfect combination - happy, maybe rose-tinted memories about this person, and it's definitely a safe option in the way that it won't mess anything up or affect anything in my social and romantic life.

And wow, no, I'm not autistic, but that article sounds like it was written just for me It's reassuring to read about other ppl who also have these kinds of in depth fantasies.

I also don't have much experience with dating or relationships so far, so reading this part especially really connected with me:

"Having not had experience with a romantic partner, my brain defaults to its ideals for one. My imagination fills in the “gaps” of reality. "

For me especially I guess there's a lot of gaps lol

But that whole second half, I really relate to it. I think it does help me to think in terms of "losing something implies you had it in the first place", so I shouldn't focus too much on feeling sad about it.

There's a lot in there I can reflect on. Thanks

[Heather]

If it's helpful, I find that if and when I'm single (or open, and not to capacity with partners) and kind of stuck on the idea of a past partner like this while also wanting romantic connection that the best answer is to start dating. Pursuing this kind of connection with new people can open up your mind to all of who is out there, and also will probably also remind you that you have options.

You can even keep the best qualities of this other person in mind as you do: it may be that what you get from this that is actually useful in your romantic life and relationships are what you know make this person seem like an ideal partner, you know?