I want to look more feminine but I’m scared I’ll get judged..

[Angelz]

Hello!

I’m 13 and I’m in eight grade at my school. I want to look more feminine but I don’t really know what to do..

I want to start shaving my legs but I only have shorts of my uniform and everyone will see it.

I also don’t want people to laugh at me. I know some people say that they won’t care, but they will.

They always judge people like that, especially my best friends, that’s why I’m scared of coming out..

I also have like 40% of the popular kids in my class, and they judge everyone.

I maybe care too much of what people think of me..

What should I do..?

[Heather]

So, just as an FYI, lots of people who present as feminine don't remove their body hair.

One of the reasons I say that is so you can know that feminine presentation is very individual, which means that you can do this in ways that also feel safe to you. Maybe that means wearing clothes that you feel are feminine at home in your room, first, for instance, or by wearing things under clothing that feel feminine to you that kids at school won't see?

[Angelz]

Hey!

Yeah, I could do that! But I want to present myself to be more feminine, but at the same time I’m too shy..

It’s true that removing body hair doesn’t necessarily make you more feminine but for me it makes me more feminine.

[AarijA]

Hey Angelz!
To clarify, are you saying people judge your best friends, or that your best friends judge others? If it is the latter, I suggest finding some more supportive people to spend time with. If it is the former, then it sounds like you have some people that can support you while you explore presenting more feminine.

Someone is always going to be judging you, but that says a lot more about them. Don't try to make decisions based on the opinions of others, especially if they're not in your close circle. You can decide whose opinion is important to you and act accordingly. The people who care about you enough to support your pursuit of happiness are the ones worth considering when making a decision like this.

[Angelz]

Hello

I was saying that my best friends will probably judge me.

One time, one of my friends said that if I was gay, he would respect me but he would judge me..

I know I don’t have to base my decisions on other people’s opinions but I can’t help myself..

Is there any ways I can only make decisions by ignoring their opinions?

[AarijA]

I see. Well, it sounds like it is time for you to find some peers who are more accepting of queerness. Are there any other kids at your school who are queer? Or kids that seem like they just be themselves, regardless of how they are judged by others?

If you want to learn how to make decisions while weathering the judgement of others, a good way to start is by talking to people your age who appear to be doing that already.

Another tool to use is to take baby steps into the direction you want to go. Making decisions for yourself is about learning to deal with society's judgement without letting it sway you. Start with small things that may illicit comments from others - see how they effect you. Figure out what kind of support you might need to put up with them as you move further along in your journey.

How do these ideas sound?

[Angelz]

The first idea seems kinda scary, cuz I know nobody in my school that is more accepting of queerness. Maybe my friends are but like I said I’m scared they will still judge me so I don’t know..

The second is good because my boyfriend doesn’t care about the judgement of others, so maybe I could ask him how does he not care if others opinion. He’s 16 tho so maybe it’s different since he’s more mature

And I could maybe start taking baby steps like you said, but do you have any examples?

[AarijA]

Aside from the time your one friend said he would judge you, what makes you think your friends will not accept you? Are they unkind to others? Do they make judgemental comments about queerness?

At your age, a lot of people might just be repeating what they've heard from their elders and it might not be reflective of how they treat people.

I think asking your boyfriend is a good idea! If he has experienced something similar, he may have helpful advice for you.

As for baby steps, I think it's for you to decide what you want to try out. What are some small things you could do to feel more feminine?

[Angelz]

Well they usually make jokes about being gay, but sometimes a little homophobic too. I don’t really know honestly

I’ll ask my boyfriend about that, that’s for sure! He probably haven’t lived something like me tho, cuz he said that he never dated a guy before and that he doesn’t like being called gay or bi or putting up a label, which I understand

Honestly, I have no idea of baby steps I could take.. Someone on Reddit did recommend me a feminine underwear that seemed comfortable so maybe on some days where I don’t have PE, I could wear it. I have to buy it first tho… XD

[KierC]

Hi Angelz,

Ah, yeah, that does sound like they could be a bit judgmental. I’d trust your judgment on when their jokes seem homophobic, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation with not as much queer community and support. I want you to know you’re not alone, you’ve got a queer community here! But I’m wondering if there might be a way to find more queer community in your school. Are there any clubs for queer students or community centers nearby?

The feminine underwear sounds like a great start! If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of anyone noticing, maybe you could try wearing it in your room at home and see how it feels. How does that sound?

[Angelz]

I don’t know anything like that in my city but I could check. I really don’t mind traveling cuz I did that a lot and I still do. Even if it’s across the city, I don’t mind, so I’ll check for any community I know there’s a place that people call: The Gay Village, but it is more for adults and I just don’t like the street overall. (because it’s kinda dangerous..)

I think I will try to first wear it at home, like you said, and then at school :3

These ideas sound great honestly.

Also, thank you for supporting. It is pretty hard that not a lot of people in my area is queer, but I deal with it.

[KierC]

I would definitely search on google/whatever search engine “queer youth programs [location]” or some variation of that, you may be surprised with what you find! Alternatively, if you’re having trouble, and if you’re comfortable sharing your location privately, we could help and see if there’s any queer community centers or anything similar in your area. You can contact us by our official email if you’d like help with that, so that your information remains private.

I’m glad these ideas have been helpful for you, and you are welcome! We are all very much in support of you continuing to discover ways of expressing yourself that make you happy. Just know there’s a whole team of queer folks rooting for you here, and I am hopeful that you’ll find some queer community or folks to connect with in person too. <3

[Angelz]

I would love help!

What is the official email?

[CaitlinEve]

You can fill out this contact form and someone will get back to you via email!

[Angelz]

Alright, thank you!