What should I tell my boyfriend who thinks he deserves someo

[littlerelaxbear]

What should I tell my boyfriend (late 20s) who thinks he deserves someone more attractive than I am?

Before I (mid 20s) make him sound like a complete asshole, he truly isn't. He just spoke his mind, which I appreciate.

I know he loves me and cares a lot about me but has admitted to feeling less physically attracted to me in the last year (I did gain a bit of weight, maybe put less effort in "dolling up".) I still think I'm fairly attractive.

We've had a loving, happy, supportive and communicative 2 1/2 year relationship, had plans to move in and talked about marriage even but due to an unplanned job offer, he's relocating halfway across the world. It's difficult for me to follow productively soon after, but not impossible.

He wanted to take this opportunity to see what else is out there, as he hasn't dated much in the past, but it is really completely for superficial reasons (influenced by family opinions who also thinks he could be with someone more "on par" in terms of looks). He does feel he won't be able to find someone like me again personality-wise, compatability-wise... But still willing to take the risk. Guess looks are really that important.

I've accepted it as I would never hold him back (and would do neither of us any good). I'm sure the situation has also allowed him to assess the relationship more seriously. We haven't ruled out being together again if we are in closer physical proximity. As positive as I am trying to be moving forward, it is difficult to not have days where I feel completely distraught...


Adding on... I know by saying this and having this mindset he is incredibly immature. But the superficial aspect aside, he is a really great guy, and we really did have a relationship built on mutual love and trust. As much as he would lose out with me I feel I am also losing a lot.

I don't have high hopes for helping him understand this as he's fairly stubborn and I know he'll just have to see for himself.

[Jacob]

Hey littlerelaxbear,

Welcome over here to scarleteen!

I guess really this is someone who has, as you've said, expressed in a really immature way, that he'd like to move on from your relationship. I just wish he didn't make it about you.

In my opinion we are attracted to some people, we find them attractive or we don't it's not they who are 'attractive' but us who feel a certain way about them. The truth is it doesn't matter how much weight you have, or how much pruning you do, it's him that feels differently not you who are less attractive. Also, this idea that he 'deserves' better than you, to me sounds extremely harsh, like he's putting himself on a pedestal, and that he's breaking up because of what he feels entitled to, rather than how he feels about you. I find it really hard to imagine how he could have thought that wouldn't be hurtful?

Anyway all of that said, I'll take your word for it that he has some good qualities!

Sadly though it sounds to me like a relationship between you and him isn't on the table at the moment, and he has said some really hurtful things and shows little sign of taking them back.

So I'm not sure what if anything you should have to say to him.

But I am thinking that maybe there are things you could say to yourself... How has all this made you feel? What do you deserve?

[Heather]

Too, what do YOU want? For instance, you two could negotiate opening up your relationship so you stay together in so e respects but both explore dating others, within negotiated limits. Or, you could talk about a breakup, if all of any of this is outside what you want, or, of course, if the way he is approaching all of this just feels so crummy to you, you want out.

[littlerelaxbear]

Thank you Jacob, thank you Heather for your responses.

Sorry, to clarify - he didn't use the exact words 'I think I deserve...' but I know he thinks it is very achievable. I think sometimes it has to do with one of his parents always showering him with compliments - saying "you're great looking, you've got money (not really), should look around more before settling..." So yes, he is on a pedestal.

But he did say that he thinks he could get a better looking girl, he knew it was harsh - I know it hurts him to see me feel hurt, but I always ask for the cold, hard truth.

He is a pretty vain person (and so am I), so I can understand when he says looks does play a big part of attraction... It plays a part for me too, but it fades with time / I value it less.

Of course, I wish things were the way they used to be. The thought of an open relationship had occurred to me for a moment, but I think that might really be opening up a can of worms.

I'm just not sure how or what we would define the 'boundaries' as. Maybe no sex? He wasn't looking for that anyway, and I trust him when he says that. But it doesn't feel right placing restrictions on him when I told him I'm attempting to respect his wishes of trying to seeing other people while we are physically so far away. It might hinder him on 'getting it out of his system'. What do you think? Not sure if I'm being too ambiguous.

I've posted this question elsewhere, and the responses have largely been in unison - "leave him", "tell him to screw off, you deserve someone mature", "why are you defending him"... things of that nature. They all don't know me so they're being objective... A friend has also asked how I am ok with him telling me this?

But I feel like that is the ego talking, and it's not necessary to exchange cruel words / turn it into a big fight and have it become not amicable. And I love him, so I try not to let my ego play into things.

But is this wrong? Am I doing myself a disservice? Am I not giving myself respect? Both of us have never been afraid to be vulnerable in our relationship (something I have yet to find elsewhere), and he has never taken advantage of me as currently the 'weaker person' in our relationship... So this is why I am not furious (but still hurt), if it was someone else, I probably would be. He's always been there to listen on my darkest days, and with his move, he kind of just sees it as a fresh start, since it will be (realistically) difficult for me to go with him for now. Ending the relationship has been hard on him too, so I wonder to what extent some of his words are just him trying to justify ending it?

I feel like there is a fine line between seeing yourself as the 'second option' or accepting that people sometimes are not yet mature and make mistakes. I think it is a very normal thing to be unsure about a relationship sometimes. I love him so much that I am willing to forgive. My heart is telling me i'd take him back in a heartbeat, but my mind (especially after reading responses from other people) is a bit unsure. I am pondering what someone has said about "how can you trust him to not leave you again?"

I know he is not in the right frame of mind right now, knowing how he is, I'm actually unsure if he can have a relationship with anyone else other than me, given my ability to see past his flaws. Since we are still together until he leaves, he's still been a good boyfriend (though he is evidently not as present as he used to be with so much on his mind). He asks if I want to hang out, he came over the other day to make my favourite meal to make it up to me for needing to bail for a work commitment another night... We still have sex, he still tells me he loves me, and that I mean so much to him but everything is just so up in the air right now...

So it's hard for me to accept it as it is... Sorry for the super long post.

[Heather]

It's okay.

It sounds to me like maybe before talking more about options with this now, what you need to do most is figure out if you even really want to do anything more with this relationship than leave it.

I'm just not getting a clear sense of that from you, and some of the questions you're asking sound, to me, like this larger question.

And when thinking about that, I'd consider that there's a whole other set of options with this than you may be thinking of, like seeing how a platonic friendship might work, instead, just letting this all go for now and then maybe seeing in a few months, or even years, if indeed, you were right, and you two connect really well but he just had a temporary emotional maturity deficit, one he repaired in time.

But first, I think it sounds like you just need to figure out, under it all, if you want to do anything at all with this besides moving on.

Have you considered taking some time and space away from each other -- like, how about a week or two? -- so you can be more introspective about all of this and really have the kind of space someone needs in a situation like this to figure out how they feel and what they want?

[littlerelaxbear]

Hi Heather,

Our plan is to be 'platonic' friends (in quotes because... we are still sexually attracted to one another) until we are in closer physical proximity again (then maybe we'd revisit the relationship), but I don't think I would be happy being just friends for good (at least those are my feelings right now). I guess you can say I am still hopeful.

He's leaving in about a month, so we've decided to just enjoy the time we have left as a couple in this current state. It sounds robotic, but we really enjoy each others' company.

When he leaves, I likely won't see him again until the end of the year, or even next year. I think during this time, we will get a better picture of where we stand in each others' lives...

I don't really see myself cutting him out of my life, maybe unless he starts seeing someone else soon and it is too painful for me to see... But I just think maybe our relationship is right but now isn't the right time... He seemed to really agree with that.

[Heather]

I don't think that sounds robotic, and I get it.

So, you'll have that time and space after this month. And then too, maybe time where you have seen how you feel about your relationship as something other than it has been.

If you want help when that time rolls around setting up some frameworks for yourself to think about all of this in, I'm glad to help.

Just FYI, I said platonic in this case as being about actions, not feelings and thoughts. In other words, I meant not having sex with each other.

[Keda]

I think the thing about him not being in the wrong because you asked him to tell the truth is interesting. It is always good to be open and honest in a relationship, even when that means telling your partner difficult things, so I agree that he wasn't wrong to say what he did. But I also think that with that openness about your feelings comes a responsibility to deal with them: if you're identifying a problem with the relationship you're in, you should at least be trying to solve it, if you want the relationship to continue. But really, there isn't a solution I can think of to feeling like your partner isn't good enough for you. And what he's doing now smacks, to me, of just hanging around until a better option shows up - which is really mean and disrespectful to you, especially when he knows you're still invested in the relationship long-term. So I'd also suggest leaving the relationship, but maybe for a slightly different reason from what you've heard from others.

[littlerelaxbear]

Heather:

Thanks again for your message. Indeed it will be interesting to see how we both feel after even 1+ months of not being officially together and getting space.

I guess the bottom line is that despite the fact that he says still loves me and cares about me, he's not sure if he sees our relationship as romantic, but more of a best friend. I am still fumbling over that one... I mean, we are still carrying out the relationship almost 'as usual' for now...

Keda:

Hi Keda, thanks for jumping in.

Yes, even though his comments were harsh and pretty much insensitive... The manner in which he told me was not at all in trying to be hurtful or inconsiderate of my feelings. He felt like he needed to get it off his chest, and it was difficult for him to say these things. He looks at our relationship with pleasant memories...

We had another long talk about the relationship again. I guess what it boils down to is that at this point in his life, hitting his 30s, he feels like it's his last chance to attract someone super hot (for the right reasons?). I know that sounds ridiculous... But basically because he is attractive, he feels that he also wants to date someone equally as attractive. Personality-wise, he is ideally looking for someone that has my traits. The 'whole package' as he tells me...

Sounds too good to be true? I'm sure it exists, whether they will be interested as well or whether that kind of catch was long gone... Well...

And not that he didn't find me attractive at first - he loved what he saw. He had always kind of been the pursuer in our relationship... But I now know that even though he once preferred petite girls, after getting even more fit himself... He now really wants someone of a more 'conventional' look - taller namely. I will never be able to achieve that. I get that people's preferences can change... But it seems weird to me and difficult for me to grasp how someone can be like this. It's like... how can I trust people again?

That physical looks really trumped everything that he says valued about us (our openness / communication, ability to connect so easily, my patience and understanding, how much I valued him in my life...) So maybe this is the end...

[Heather]

Honestly, it just sounds like your pal here is having a time of life where he's being mighty superficial, and not seeing that that rarely, if ever, amounts to much. Nor that -- from the sounds of things -- he's risking losing something of real value, on top of it.

The thing is, when someone is deciding to live on the surface of things, logic isn't likely to bring them back. Only them screwing things up and finding empty places to be as empty as they are is likely to have an impact.

I get having one more month where you have access to someone and you -- for your own reasons -- want to use that time while you have it. No judgments there. I'd just make sure it really feels worth it to you, and would start to prepare yourself to just let this go once he takes off. Sitting around waiting on big parts of your life while someone else goes to do exploration that isn't anything of substance is a truly crappy spot to be in, and I'd strongly advise anyone not to put themselves there.

Instead, I'd figure that okay, this will give you both opportunities. And while he may be using his for stuff that sounds awfully dull, you don't have to use yours that way. You, in the meantime, could reground in your own life, self and wants and if and when it feels ready and right, start seeking out new relationships, ideally with people with more emotional depth and a better grip on what really matters in life and in love.

I don't know how to speak to the issues with trust, save that unfortunately, sometimes people are just going to do stupid things, and that's just part and parcel of people, really. But too, you say this has always been an issue, so is this really about him betraying his trust? Or is it more about him not changing and growing in this regard when you'd hoped he would? In other words, is this about him betraying a trust, or is it about him just not being the bigger person you'd hoped he'd be?

[littlerelaxbear]

Hi Heather, thank you for your reply.

You're right, I really did hope that he could be a bigger person and see the value of good compatibility over sheer looks. But at this point in his life, he says his gut instinct is telling him that he can potentially have both and that he should shoot for it while he has the chance (us being physically apart, him being still 'young' for another few years). Which I don't disagree there - who knows... I guess I am just very disappointed.

I'll definitely be sure to use this time apart wisely - hopefully 'find myself' as well, and also try seeing other people. I know just sitting around waiting for him is extremely risky.

But part of me just can't help but hope that once he 'figures things out', he will miss me and realize how great what we have is. I know he sees potentially being with requiring me giving him another chance... which I'm glad about that. I feel hopeful (gut instinct), and I've also had two older friends share their 'happy ending' stories - where they had split up with their partners (one being the instigator, the other being on the receiving end) because they had only been with one person and weren't '100% sure' of the relationship or the direction. Now they're both happily married with their initial partners. I know I need to get out of this mindset though... Because that might not happen to me.

That being said, in this time, I had also wondered if there was a third person in the mix. I know there was this girl he had met while on vacation through his dad's business events (in the city he is moving to), and I know he thinks she is attractive (he told me) but has been adamant that only she messages him on special occasions (she did on christmas/new year's) and he hardly responds and says they hardly spoke the night they met.

I trust his loyalty to me while we're still together (and in the past, lack of trust was never an issue in our relationship), I don't believe that he will actively communicate with her... But I know she messaged him pictures of her and her mom/family from new years and I asked to see them. They're nothing incriminating really but I just thought it was odd that someone he hardly knew would send so many pictures... I mean, I would only send photos like that to close friends or my boyfriend. Why would anyone else care? He said it was for his dad to see... But likewise... It seems fishy if 'they don't know each other that well'. My boyfriend could be lying but I don't see why he has to lie. I pressed for the truth multiple times but seems adamant on keeping it from me.

He was upset to see that I couldn't trust him, and has said that he didn't want me to over-think with seeing the limited information. He asked me what exactly it is that I want to know. Which was a good question... what am I really trying to figure out? I seem like I want to find something incriminating, so that I can label him an a**hole... and I would be able to move on more easily. Even if it isn't him (if he is that naive to not read into her advances), I don't know why it matters to me if the goal was to 'see other people'... Maybe it is too soon?

This behaviour of mine has changed the dynamic in our relationship a little (I was never needy before), and I feel like I should stop but I am the type of person who always wants to know the truth, even if it hurts... But will the truth actually benefit me? I don't know how to address this...

I want to stay friends in our time away from each other, but I know I will need some time to 'cauterize the wounds' in order for things to be platonic on my end. The bottom line is I don't want to be just platonic friends... I know that's the only relationship we can have right now. He hopes to be just platonic friends in the meantime (and easily so since he was losing attraction despite saying he still loves me), but I can't help but feel like he's being selfish. He wants me in his life, but just as a friends for now.

I am really having trouble understanding this whole 'I love you, but I want to try seeing other people' concept... For me it is more black & white... Or is it all mostly a lie? I just don't want to be a fool...