Hello!
So the thing is. My partner wants sex, and he says it's not normal to be with someone for a year and not having sex. Even though we did sexual stuff. He doesn't want to preasure me, but he say he needs it and he is disappointed he didn't have it.
On the other hand, this is my first relationship. I want sex, but I'm too afraid of something happening (getting pregnant). I'm trying diferent methos of contraception, but, I always get sick every time I take it (I went to the doctor already). Also, he says I don't seem to enthusiastic and that I don't mind the wait.
How can we solve this?
sex issue
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Charliemayly753
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Heather
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Re: sex issue
Hey there, Charlie. I'm so sorry to hear what sounds like your partner pressuring you for sex. Him saying he doesn't want to doesn't undo the fact that it sounds to me like he is. In fact, it feels a little like gaslighting to me, because saying he needs it IS pressuring you. So is telling you it isn't normal not to be having the kind of sex that he wants. So is telling you you don't seem too enthusiastic. I feel like him saying he doesn't want to pressure you is actually dishonest, because he's pressuring you. A LOT. This is a LOT of pressure, and it's not okay.
Your partner is also dead wrong, because there is no normal with any of this, there is only variation. For one, "sex" is not just intercourse. "Sexual stuff" is also sex. For more on that, take a look at this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... hats-sex-0
Point is, you have been having sex with your partner, just not some kinds he wants to have -- and that you do, too, but just don't feel safe having yet -- sounds like.
Flatly, to me this is solved by not staying with a partner who pressures you and choosing partners who won't. I know that's probably not the answer you want, but it's the only right answer in my book, because it's not good for anyone to be with people who pressure them for sex, and excellent relationships can't exist with that in the mix.
If it helps to know, how partners should react to kinds of sex they want and you don't are by saying things like, "That's okay. How about the kinds of sex you do feel comfortable being part of: can we do any of those? If not, that's okay, too. Would you like to do something else today, or shall we call it a day/night?" A partner can also even express they really want something if and when you are ready in a healthy, non-pressured way, like by saying, "I understand. If that ever changes for you, or there's anything I can do to help you get to the place where you have what you need to feel comfortable, I am interested in that kind of sex, so feel free to let me know. But until then, I'll figure this kind is off the table until or unless you tell me differently."
Our own choices are also each of our own responsibilities. So, if your partner chose to be with a partner that doesn't want to have the kind of sex they do for any reason, they own that choice. If they do want a partner who wants that kind of sex, they have options. They could talk to you about consensual nonmonogamy, for instance, so they could add a partner who is okay doing that. They could also choose only to date people who want to have that kind if that's so important to them, and ask people they date that upfront. But what is NOT okay for them to do is to try and guilt-trip you into sex you're not comfortable with, and I'd say that's extra not okay with something like vaginal intercourse where they aren't taking the same risks you are (eg, they can't get pregnant).
That all said, how is this relationship on the whole? Is it otherwise really, really great? Is he otherwise wonderful to you? If you want to try and stay in this relationship as a sexual relationship, does he seem like he has the emotional maturity to acknowledge he HAS been pressuring you and stop, and learn to behave differently around this, or...?
Your partner is also dead wrong, because there is no normal with any of this, there is only variation. For one, "sex" is not just intercourse. "Sexual stuff" is also sex. For more on that, take a look at this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... hats-sex-0
Point is, you have been having sex with your partner, just not some kinds he wants to have -- and that you do, too, but just don't feel safe having yet -- sounds like.
Flatly, to me this is solved by not staying with a partner who pressures you and choosing partners who won't. I know that's probably not the answer you want, but it's the only right answer in my book, because it's not good for anyone to be with people who pressure them for sex, and excellent relationships can't exist with that in the mix.
If it helps to know, how partners should react to kinds of sex they want and you don't are by saying things like, "That's okay. How about the kinds of sex you do feel comfortable being part of: can we do any of those? If not, that's okay, too. Would you like to do something else today, or shall we call it a day/night?" A partner can also even express they really want something if and when you are ready in a healthy, non-pressured way, like by saying, "I understand. If that ever changes for you, or there's anything I can do to help you get to the place where you have what you need to feel comfortable, I am interested in that kind of sex, so feel free to let me know. But until then, I'll figure this kind is off the table until or unless you tell me differently."
Our own choices are also each of our own responsibilities. So, if your partner chose to be with a partner that doesn't want to have the kind of sex they do for any reason, they own that choice. If they do want a partner who wants that kind of sex, they have options. They could talk to you about consensual nonmonogamy, for instance, so they could add a partner who is okay doing that. They could also choose only to date people who want to have that kind if that's so important to them, and ask people they date that upfront. But what is NOT okay for them to do is to try and guilt-trip you into sex you're not comfortable with, and I'd say that's extra not okay with something like vaginal intercourse where they aren't taking the same risks you are (eg, they can't get pregnant).
That all said, how is this relationship on the whole? Is it otherwise really, really great? Is he otherwise wonderful to you? If you want to try and stay in this relationship as a sexual relationship, does he seem like he has the emotional maturity to acknowledge he HAS been pressuring you and stop, and learn to behave differently around this, or...?
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