not feeling pleasure?

[carine]

hi so me and this girl i’ve been dating recently started to explore the sexual part of our relationship. the past times we’ve done things she’s fingered me and given me oral. my problem is that i’m not really feeling pleasure? like i feel the sensation and i want it to feel good so bad but it’s not happening. and like she’s the first person i’ve done these things with so i don’t necessarily know what i like. i find her so very much attractive and she turns me on but im just not feeling anything once she’s actually going at it. any reason why?

[Latha]

Hi Carine!

Oh, there are a couple reasons why this can happen. We can try to narrow it down… to start, I see that you’ve noted that you don’t have a sense of what you like. That can be really helpful information for a partner. Many people get a sense of this on their own, through masturbation. Have you ever tried that? If you did, was it pleasurable?

[carine]

yes, i masturbate pretty often and it’s always pleasurable for me. however the only thing i do is rub my clitoris, which she has done before, but again it doesn’t feel like much when she does it. there are things she does that i like and i ask her to do them before we get into anything, like dirty talking, i don’t know if that counts

[HannahP]

Hi Carine!

It's great to hear that masturbation is pleasurable for you and you know what you like when you're by yourself — that's an excellent foundation for figuring out partnered sex! I think that's really going to help you a lot.

In terms of why the pleasure isn't transferring over to sex with your partner, there could be a few things going on. One possibility is that when you masturbate you feel comfortable, relaxed, and familiar, whereas sex with your partner maybe feels very different emotionally? I think a lot of times with new partners, people can feel excited and turned on, but also a bit overwhelmed, self conscious or nervous. Those feelings can really get in the way of arousal and without enough arousal, it's hard to feel pleasure. This can even be a sort of vicious cycle, where once your partner starts touching you, if it doesn't feel pleasurable right away, that makes you feel anxious, which makes it less pleasurable, which makes you more anxious. Does any of that sound similar to your situation? How would you say that sex with your partner makes you feel?

Another possibility is simply that you know exactly how you like to touch your own body (the speed, the pressure, the exact spot) and your partner hasn't learned yet how to do it in the way you like. Bodies can be very precise and sometimes it's just a few millimeters of space between the spot that feels amazing and the spot that doesn't feel like much at all!

Since you do know that there are things you enjoy doing with your partner like dirty talking, I'd suggest focusing on the things that you do enjoy and taking a break on the things that aren't bringing you pleasure for a bit. For example, you could try asking your partner to do something you know you like (like dirty talking or touching some other part of your body) while you masturbate.

This article of ours covers some of what I've been talking about, especially the importance of arousal for pleasure, if you want to read more: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

[carine]

i think it might be a combination of the first two things; i can admit that when we get into things i start feeling kind of insecure about it not feeling good, which leads me to get caught up in my head and i feel like im not mentally present during sex. and then i agree with what you’re saying about me knowing exactly what i like, that’s true and it’s hard to explain to someone else

[HannahP]

Great, I'm glad that resonated with you! The good news is that it's likely that both of these things will get better over time as long as you continue to grow more comfortable with and familiar with your partner. I think the most important thing to focus on is what you say about not feeling mentally present during sex because you're caught up in feeling insecure. What can sometimes help with that is to do more low pressure sexual exploration, stuff that isn't necessarily meant to try to get someone to orgasm. We have a big list of sexual activities in our Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist, which could help you and your partner come up with ideas for this. Or you can just think about the things that you have enjoyed so far and lean into them, like the dirty talking that you mentioned. How does that sound?