Dating a monogamous person

[aro_mania]

Background info: I'm aromantic and my girlfriend is asexual, we decided to be in a queer platonic relationship with each other.

Everything in the beginning was great, but recently I feel so lonely. She doesn't tell me a lot about her personal life and I don't want to pry, but it feels like our relationship is so hollow. Her friends know more about her than me, and I'm sad because it feels like she can't trust me. Even though I'm aromantic I want a "relationship" in order to be someones person, I want a best friend where we can talk about anything with each other. I get so jealous seeing my friends in relationships and they call each other all the time and go places. She has strict parents so we can't call or go on dates, but we don't even talk about anything real. My friends in relationships they know each other triggers and person stuff and I know nothing.

Another problem is her being ace, I would have no trouble if we could spend time together, but we don't. I'm hyper sexual and polyamorous so I think in order for me to get all my wants met is to have a sexual relationship with someone else. I don't want to because she's monogamous, I did talk to her about it and she said as long as she approved the person she would be okay with it, but it feels like im forcing non-monogamy on her. After seeing a bunch of poly hate online I feel gross and I don't want to be one of those toxic poly people suggesting an open relationship, but I'm frustrated. I just want a cure to my loneliness. I don't want to break up because I love her and we share friends, I don't want them to hate me. But everyday I get angrier as all my friends are in relationships and are all over each other, but I feel like a lost puppy following her around. We have so much in common, that's the reason I started seeing her, but I just need more

[AliahMaharaj]

Hi aro_mania,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with these feelings in your relationship.

You’ve already said you love your girlfriend and it’s clear that you care about her feelings and don’t want her to be uncomfortable, but it’s important to remember that your feelings have as much value in your relationship as hers do, just like her being ace and monogamous is just as valid as you being aromantic and polyamorous. You’re being very clear here about how you feel and what you want, and understanding those things is the first step in working through what you’re experiencing. The next step is to talk with your girlfriend about them once you feel safe to do that. It can be scary to think about sharing feelings like loneliness, anger and jealousy with someone you love, but keeping them to yourself out of fear isn’t going to help.

You said that your girlfriend not telling you about her personal life makes you feel like she can’t trust you, and that you don’t want to pry, but you also mentioned that you’ve talked to her about your feelings around sex and polyamory before. That’s a great, brave step, and a sign that the two of you are willing to communicate openly with each other. Given that, are there any particular reasons why you feel hesitant asking her about sharing more about her personal life, or reasons why asking about it feels like prying?

As for feeling like you’re forcing non-monogamy onto her, if you’ve had an honest, open conversation about the possibility of you having a sexual relationship with someone else if that’s something you want, and she’s already told you she’s open to that possibility, you aren’t forcing that onto her. I understand how easy it is to internalize all the hateful messaging against poly people, but as long as you’re keeping the lines of communication open about what you both want out of your relationship, and what you both are and aren’t comfortable with, you’re not being toxic or gross.

(As a side note, I also want to point out that the term “hyper sexual” stems from messaging that tries to label expressions of sexuality as “excessive” or “too much”, which often isn’t helpful, because it implies there’s a certain “right amount”, when what matters is whether or not how someone is expressing sexuality is harming them or other people, or if it’s getting in the way of other things they want or need to do).

I know that’s a lot of information, so how are you feeling about all this so far?

[aro_mania]

About prying, I want people to feel like they can naturally tell me things, I don't like the feeling of pushing for an answer so I try to make it known that she (or anyone) can tell me anything. For exame when she's upset she doesn't like people asking if she's okay, so I'm just not sure when it's okay for me to ask, it even how.

This did help, I'm just self conscious about talking to her because I don't want it to feel like too much. I do all the talking in our relationship. I'm the one who always types paragraphs about how I feel, don't get me wrong she never responded badly to them, but I feel like it's not an equal exchange. I just don't want it to feel like I'm asking too much.

[Latha]

Hi there, Aro_mania! I’m glad Aliah’s response was helpful!

Honestly, I think making it known that your partner can share anything with you without pushing for specific answers is a good strategy for respecting boundaries. But if you’re not sure about what the limits are, it’s fair to ask. Do you think you could ask her about how she likes to be supported and for clarification on checking in when she’s upset?

I want to touch on something Aliah said again. I can see that you’re trying very hard to be considerate of your partner, but the fact is that your feelings are just as important as hers. It is not too much to ask for what you need. For a relationship to be sustainable, everyone involved has feel like their efforts are valued and reciprocated, even if everything isn’t exactly equal all the time. I see that you mentioned wanting to spend more time together in your first post. Ideally, what else would help you feel cared for?

You’ve mentioned feeling lonely, so I wanted to take a moment to as about your social life more broadly. Do you feel supported and cared for in your friendships?