Question about exploring sexuality

[hiitsmichael]

Hi guys, I hope this question is okay to ask here. As someone who identifies as bi but primarily likes men, it’s hard to find safe places to actually explore that side of my sexuality. Over the last few months I have began engaging in sexting and it has been a wonderful experience for me so far. It has helped me become much more confident in my body and i have gotten to connect with some really kind people. I feel like if I am not engaging in physical sex right now, this is the next best thing. My question really is about if this can be an addiction, and how would I know if I am addicted if it can be. Also am wondering if this community views that as a healthy way to explore sexuality or is there some other way that you recommend? I value the opinion of everyone here so I am open to any advice.

[Heather]

So, "addiction" is a framework that was designed and meant to address substance abuse, and behaviours are not substances. Used casually, it really isn't so useful. But any behaviour can be compulsive, and the easiest way to figure out if a behaviour is compulsive for you is to ask yourself if it feels like you have to do it, or you do do it, even when you don't really want to or don't mean to.

Per if this is healthy, I'd say we have to first look at if it's safe. Can I ask who you are sexting with? You say "kind people," so that doesn't sound like friends or people you know in any other context to me?

[hiitsmichael]

Okay that makes sense regarding addiction. It probably hasn’t become compulsive, but is increasingly more often, maybe because it’s just something I enjoy.

Per the second part, other than one friend from school, this is with people I have met online using lgbtq+ forums typically from Reddit. A convo doesn’t always start out sexual either but once boundaries are discussed it can lead to that. Some of the convos are sexual from the start.

[HannahP]

Hey there hiitsmichael!

I think you're on the right track to consider that you may just be wanting to do this more often simply because it's rewarding. In this way, sex or sexting or masturbating can be basically just like any other activity that feels good, like eating something tasty or watching a tv show you like. And of course, it is possible to do those things more than is healthy or beneficial for you, like eating so much you feel sick or staying up all night to watch the show. So I'd encourage you to check in with yourself about sexting in the same kind of way — rather than thinking of it as there being some specific amount that would be "too much," you could ask yourself if the time you're spending is taking priority over other things you need to or want to be doing, or whether you're experiencing any negative emotions during or afterwards. Does that make sense?

We have a couple of articles about sexting/meeting people online that I'll link for you:
The Cutting Room Floor: On Sexting
Getting Real: Relationships on the Net
(Obviously I hope this next one is not applicable at all, but good to read to know what to look out for) This Guide to Sexual Grooming Can Protect You and Your Friends from Online Abusers

How about you give those articles a quick read and we can talk about anything that comes up? You can let us know what feels applicable to your experience and what doesn't.

[hiitsmichael]

Thank you for those articles. I have a few thoughts that came to mind for me personally.

The first one talks about it can be something that feels freeing/liberating, and I would say this is the main thing that I feel when doing it. Freeing in many ways, one because I can connect with other guys without any sort of judgement, and two because I am able to share my body and be seen in the way that I want to.

Part of me likes it because I feel like it’s something I can have control over, which may sound weird given it’s the internet and there is only so much control. But I stick to Snapchat where the photos disappear, and I think that helps me feel a bit safer. I also always discuss boundaries with the person I’m chatting with, so I don’t ask them to talk about or send something they don’t feel comfortable, and so they don’t ask me to either. So for me I guess it feels freeing to be able to discuss sex so openly with others and get to experience a small portion of that intimacy as well.

As for the third article I feel like as a guy it’s probably a little bit different but still I always try to gauge the other persons intentions and I never give personal info away. I’m not afraid to hit the block button if someone is giving off a bad vibe.

But overall, so far atleast, it has helped me feel more comfortable in my sexuality and I have even learned of some other ways to masterbate, for example, just through talking with others in the community. But I guess it’s also natural to feel somewhat of a conviction because it is considered “risky” behavior or can have some bad consequences. My reaction to that is it is my body and I feel like I should have autonomy to choose who and how I share it with, but maybe that’s just me own stubbornness.

[Heather]

Michael, I'm out for the day, but just saw this in my one last check.

Are you sending photos of yourself in any state of undress? If so, please understand that in the US, in a sexual context (and sometimes even when it's not meant that way!) that is classed as child pornography, and it's something you and anyone who you send those pictures can pay a very steep and lasting legal consequence for. Will it for sure happen? No. But it absolutely could, especially when you're in forums like this where sometimes people in them are not who you think, so if that's something you're sharing, I'd strongly advise you to stop sharing those right away. Using Snapchat doesn't actually protect you from this, because people can still take screen captures of things that come through Snapchat.

[hiitsmichael]

I am still struggling to find other ways to satisfy my sexual needs and desires. I feel ashamed that I have fallen into sexting as an option, but also grateful in that it has helped me learn so much about my own sexuality. Not to mention I live in a home where sex cannot be discussed at all. I really am longing for connection and have found that through sexting, but I understand that most advice would be to stop. It’s really hard

[HannahP]

Hi there, Michael!

Wanting sexual connection is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like in many ways sexting has been a very positive outlet for you and it can be a big challenge to stop doing something that is enjoyable because it is risky.

Maybe we could talk about ways you could explore that kind of connection without sending pictures (since that is the potentially risky part). Would it be possible for you to text with others in this community without sharing pictures?

[hiitsmichael]

Hi Hannah, yes it is definitely possible, although it would be difficult to make that change with some of the guys I currently enjoy chatting with, and would probably limit my options for finding new partners. I feel at a certain point pictures enhance the chatting experience, as they provide a visual for the things we are chatting about. But it could be worth trying

[Latha]

Hi Michael,

I’m sorry that it will be difficult to make this change, but I’m glad it’s possible. You don’t have to feel ashamed for sexting pictures. We only advise against it because, legally and socially speaking, it is the safer option until you’re of age. Good luck!