Hello! It's gotten to the time where people are more and more discussing relationships at my school. As my friends would share, I am a very affectionate person to friends, family, and, I presume, future partners. While I don't expect to find someone tomorrow, I'm thinking more and more about how to go about first relationships and more specifically how I should go about gay relationships.
Alright, here are my completely unorganized questions:
1. What's the etiquette for asking out someone if you're not sure of their sexuality?
1a. I can't exactly ask around or assume about their sexuality, can I?
2. What's the best/most appropriate time to seriously consider a relationship? Obviously, this is a subjective question but I still want to be reasonable and cautious.
3. Is it possible to get into a relationship without risking alienating a potential friend if they say no?
4. How do I know if a crush is reciprocal?
4a. Especially if it's not hetero, they might be trying to avoid getting bullied by keeping their sexuality as private as possible.
That's about all. I appreciate any comments or help, thank you.
First Relationships and First Queer Relationships
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NamesAreHardMan
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Sofi
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Re: First Relationships and First Queer Relationships
Hi! I'll answer these for you based on my opinion and experience 
1. This sort of depends on the person/your relationship, such as how close you are, the type of encounters you typically have and the level of comfort between you, etc. Some people (myself included) prefer to first find out - by getting to know them, not necessarily flat out asking - before asking them out. That said, there's also nothing wrong with respectfully asking someone out and giving them the opportunity to say yes or no, whether it's because of their sexuality or something else.
1a. As I mentioned, I typically don't just ask people and definitely never assume, but sometimes you're close enough with someone and are already having a conversation within this topic and it can be okay to ask respectfully. Especially if you're just asking because you're interested in getting to know them, you can say something like "hey I'm just wondering, and no pressure to answer, but are you romantically interested in guys?" something along those lines can be okay to ask, but some people might prefer to not answer and that's of course okay too.
2. I love that you're thinking about this as it shows you're taking it seriously and want to do it right. As you said, this is subjective and there's not really a rulebook for this. Typically people aren't really emotionally prepared and mature enough for a relationship as preteens, and sometimes not even as teens, but everyone is different and as long as the relationship is consensual and respectful that's what's most important at your age
3. To be flat out honest, probably not - getting into a relationship with a friend is always a risk, and one that might pay off but a risk nonetheless. It's also not uncommon for friends to date, then realize it's not working out, and afterwards be able to still be friends. There's no way to predict what will happen and that's something you can discuss with them beforehand.
4. I'm not a fan of reading "cues" like body language and reading into what people say, because that can often be wrong and I prefer a more direct approach. So I would just say if you have a crush on someone, you can tell them and just see what they say. Of course, what you said in 4a is unfortunately true, especially at your age. But if anything, that's probably why it's an even better idea to ask them than to just guess or assume based on unspoken cues.
I hope this was helpful! I want to reiterate, there's no rulebook for any of this, and we're all just figuring it out as we go. So please feel free to find your own ways to go about all this as you go through it, but hopefully this helps you feel a bit more comfortable as you dip your toes in the confusing world dating can be!
1. This sort of depends on the person/your relationship, such as how close you are, the type of encounters you typically have and the level of comfort between you, etc. Some people (myself included) prefer to first find out - by getting to know them, not necessarily flat out asking - before asking them out. That said, there's also nothing wrong with respectfully asking someone out and giving them the opportunity to say yes or no, whether it's because of their sexuality or something else.
1a. As I mentioned, I typically don't just ask people and definitely never assume, but sometimes you're close enough with someone and are already having a conversation within this topic and it can be okay to ask respectfully. Especially if you're just asking because you're interested in getting to know them, you can say something like "hey I'm just wondering, and no pressure to answer, but are you romantically interested in guys?" something along those lines can be okay to ask, but some people might prefer to not answer and that's of course okay too.
2. I love that you're thinking about this as it shows you're taking it seriously and want to do it right. As you said, this is subjective and there's not really a rulebook for this. Typically people aren't really emotionally prepared and mature enough for a relationship as preteens, and sometimes not even as teens, but everyone is different and as long as the relationship is consensual and respectful that's what's most important at your age
3. To be flat out honest, probably not - getting into a relationship with a friend is always a risk, and one that might pay off but a risk nonetheless. It's also not uncommon for friends to date, then realize it's not working out, and afterwards be able to still be friends. There's no way to predict what will happen and that's something you can discuss with them beforehand.
4. I'm not a fan of reading "cues" like body language and reading into what people say, because that can often be wrong and I prefer a more direct approach. So I would just say if you have a crush on someone, you can tell them and just see what they say. Of course, what you said in 4a is unfortunately true, especially at your age. But if anything, that's probably why it's an even better idea to ask them than to just guess or assume based on unspoken cues.
I hope this was helpful! I want to reiterate, there's no rulebook for any of this, and we're all just figuring it out as we go. So please feel free to find your own ways to go about all this as you go through it, but hopefully this helps you feel a bit more comfortable as you dip your toes in the confusing world dating can be!
-
NamesAreHardMan
- not a newbie
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Sun May 18, 2025 11:01 am
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- Awesomeness Quotient: I can tell you the flag of any country :)
- Primary language: English (American)
- Pronouns: he/they
- Sexual identity: Bi
- Location: Boston
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