Confused barely adult.

[Noodle]

I've struggled with some things for a while and I hope someone can help or has similar experience. In case it's needed to help, I am female I don't know if that will be shown anywhere.

I turned 18 a few months ago, and as of right now I have dated 1 girl when I was 13 and online dated a few guys. I've never been kissed or anything like that. I've been confused about my sexuality and if there is just something wrong with me. After I dated that girl I never had any real feelings for a girl again. I still think they are attractive and I do like boobs but that's pretty much it. I dont think there will ever be any romantic feelings again. So I don't know if I'm "gay" or not. I don't know what the term would be.

I've never dated a guy in person. I absolutely want to but it's very hard. One of my issues is my feelings I guess. When I dated online I thought that I would get aroused but now that I think about it I don't think that ever happened. I have liked people irl and I did have sexual thoughts about them but I never felt very strongly about it. Like I have feelings for somebody right now and the romantic feelings are very strong but the sexual ones aren't there that much.

I have never liked someone that I didn't know before hand. I've tried dating apps and it did nothing for me. I've tried touching myself before and it felt like absolutely nothing. I got no enjoyment out of it. And in the few times I did try it made me cry afterwards. Not only that but any form of sexual mention makes me extremely uncomfortable. Seeing it in shows, hearing people talk about it, sometimes thinking about it. I want to have normal emotions but I dont know if that's a thing.

Is all of this normal? I'm scared to have a boyfriend because I want to try sex but if nothing feels good how do I know that will? I don't know if it comes from self image issues? I want to be loved but I dont think anyone will if I can't do certain things for them. My brain wants it but my body doesn't I guess. Sorry for yapping. Amy help and things will be appreciated

[KierC]

Hey there Noodle, and welcome to the boards! No need to apologize for the length of your post, we’re here for as long of a post as you’d like to make. <3

It sounds to me like exploring your sexuality — You’re discovering how you experience attraction to different people, and wondering what it all means for you. I’ll say, I’ve been in a similar situation when I was 18, and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, you’re not abnormal, and you’re not doomed. I also did not have a kiss until I was 19, and I felt similarly odd about not having had this experience earlier, particularly when I felt like so many of my peers were “ahead” so-to-speak.

I hear you on how isolating and weird it can feel, but I’m here to tell you Nothing is wrong with you. Not developmentally, and not statistically. I know it certainly seems like everyone is experimenting from a younger age, but that really isn’t the case. Plenty of folks explore sexuality well into their adult lives! I’ll say, too, it sounds like you’re pretty discerning about when you experience arousal and when you want to go further with someone. This is a really, really important thing to be able to do, and it suggests to me that you’re developing a robust sense of personal wants, desires, and boundaries. That’s a normal and healthy part of sexual development!

I also hear you that you’ve tried masturbation and it doesn’t feel like anything. Would you say you’re approaching masturbation when you’re relaxed, aroused, and well-lubricated? That can go a long way to make sure that the experience is more pleasurable. We generally recommend “being your own first,” or exploring different touches and sensations on your own before incorporating with a partner, but I hear you that it doesn’t feel great right now, and that you’ve had some tearfulness around it. Would you like to talk a bit about when the tears come up, or how that experience is for you?

[Noodle]

I've tried doing it when I thought I was aroused but almost as soon as I touch myself that feeling goes away. I've just never gotten any form of education around this topic so I didn't know it was supposed to feel good. I barely know the anatomy down there. I try my best to touch the feel good parts but it's just uncomfortable. It feels like something not entirely like I'm just touching my body, but it's not really a good feeling. And no matter what I do I will just start crying. The crying comes first and then after I start to feel disgusting and just ew, and I have to stop. I cry alot but always when I do it.

[KierC]

Oh, I hear you on this. I’m sorry to hear that this has been a tearful activity. When you begin to cry, can you identify any feelings that might arise with it? By that, I mean is it an overwhelmed cry, a sad cry, a fearful cry, etc.? I also hear you that you feel disgusting. You’re not disgusting for crying, and you’re not alone in it either. Tears can fall during sexual activity for a number of reasons, and it’s okay. I view it as a gentle signal to check in with yourself during sexual activity including masturbation. Do you feel like you could do a little check-in next time you feel this way, and see if you might have some emotional/self-care needs present with the tears that we could help address?

I also think, if you’re unsure or haven’t been taught sexual anatomy, it might also help to learn about your sexual anatomy as you explore masturbation. Does that sound helpful to you? If so, we have this article here that may be a good start: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

[Noodle]

It's a mix of a sad cry and an overwhelmed cry. I start thinking about how gross I am and then it makes me spiral and I start to feel alone. The most recent time I did it was the 1st time in almost a year that I tried it. That's how often I get in that mood. I'm not sure that I want to do it again at this point. I know for some people to feel aroused they watch porn but I can't do that so I don't know what to do.

[KierC]

I can appreciate that feeling of being sad and overwhelmed by it, and I am sorry to hear that you feel alone, too. You know, it is okay to take a break from masturbating and not do it for as long as you need, particularly if it’s making you feel distressed. If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. That being said, though, do you feel the desire to and it doesn’t turn into arousal, or is it something where you feel like you *should* masturbate, but don’t have a particular desire to do it? Too, when you say you can’t watch porn, is that due to privacy concerns or due to lack of interest in it? (Both are totally ok, just asking for context).

[Noodle]

I don't really have the desire to do it. I know after doing it a few times that it doesn't feel the best so if I do do it it's mostly I feel like I'm in the mood so it's something I should do. I never really have the urge to. As for porn, I do have some strong feelings about it. I know people use it to help get in the mood and I don't ever judge for that but from my personal experiences I wish it didn't exist. I do have body image issues and while I've only dated online it still became an issue there. My partner knew watching it made me uncomfortable and he would lie to me about watching it. It hurt that he would rather watch that then want to look at me. It made me feel wrong with the way I look. And I have seen it a few times and that's how I know I don't like it but even then I felt gross about how my body looks because I've never seen one like it in that stuff. Sometimes it feels like someone who watches that would love me by thinking of someone else while they do it so they don't really love me.

[HannahP]

Hi Noodle, I hope you don't mind me jumping in for Kier!

Reading your posts makes me think that you're struggling a lot with shame, does that seem right? It sounds to me like you associate sex and masturbation (and maybe also your body too) with shame, meaning that when you try them out, you mostly feel bad. That is a really common problem! We have an article about it here that I think might be helpful: Undoing Sexual Shame How about you take a look at that and tell me what you think?

I also see that you are struggling with body image insecurity. I totally understand how watching sexual media (or really any kind of media!) can make it seem like there's only one right kind of body. But even though there's a pretty narrow range of body types that are represented in a lot of media, the range of what people find attractive is much bigger. It sounds like you had a tough experience with a previous partner, so I understand that this is weighing heavily on your mind right now! We have a TON of resources about body image and becoming more comfortable with your body. I can recommend some specific articles, or you could try just going to our "body image" section on the website and poking around there yourself. See which articles you're drawn to and how reading them makes you feel! Here it is: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/body-image.

[Noodle]

The one article said to identify the root of the issue and I believe it's my family. My mother did not deserve that title when I was younger. She would leave me and my sister in the middle of nowhere so she could go hook up with random guys, or she would just neglect me and my sister to hook up with her boyfriend. She was on drugs so I think I might associate anything she was involved with to be bad and shameful because I was ashamed of her. Not just that but I think the idea of what sex actually is is what makes me a bit uncomfortable. Like everyone talks about how it feels good and all that but for it to feel good you have to be intimate with someone else and my brain can't fully process that. I believe I have autism and that might be an aspect of why all of this is so hard for me on top of what I grew up with. I think the links are very nice, it just takes work to actually believe what they say

[HannahP]

That makes a lot of sense! It sounds like there are at least two things going on: you associate sex with things your mother did that goes against your values (so you might be afraid that having sex or wanting sex might make you act against your values too) and you associate sex with being intimate and vulnerable with another person in a way that feels overwhelming. Those are two big things (plus the body image stuff we were talking about earlier)! It makes sense that you're feeling confused and overwhelmed.

First, I want to ask if you are seeing a therapist to help process your experiences with your family growing up. If not, that could be really helpful if you're able to! Having the support of a therapist can help with that work of really believing what the articles say.

The next step in the Undoing Shame article is about taking things slow. It sounds like taking a break from masturbating and online dating might be a good idea for now, as you work on untangling your feelings about sex. It doesn't do any good to force yourself to masturbate if it only feels bad, you know? Instead, I like the advice in the article of focusing on doing things that you know feel good: "One way to re-condition yourself is to take care of yourself with the negative emotions you feel after having sexual thoughts, feelings, or experiences. You can try and do this by doing something that makes you feel good. If you know you feel good when you exercise, or when you cook a meal, or play an instrument, or dance, or anything else that you enjoy doing, you can do that thing when you start to feel shame for your sexuality."

I also like the advice in the article to do some journaling about your feelings about sex. It sounds like you have a good grasp on what your negative experiences have been and how they're affecting you. You might try thinking about whether you can remember any positive experiences related to sex or sexuality and writing them down. Or you could try looking for an example of a sexual relationship in a movie or book or tv show that feels positive to you and write down what makes it seem appealing.

What do you think about those ideas? Is that something you'd feel comfortable trying?

[Noodle]

I do see a therapist but I really do not like to. Talking ober the phone especially video calls are so hard but it's either that or do in person appointments which is even worse. I don't like talking about my feelings and for certain things I feel like I can't. I think those suggestions are a good idea! Thank you. I wish things like this weren't so complicated

[HannahP]

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that! I don't like video calls either. If you have the ability to, you might consider shopping around for a different therapist — sometimes it takes some time to find one you really feel comfortable with.

A lot of people feel awkward or uncomfortable talking to their therapist about sex, so I understand if you're not up for talking about it in those terms. The good news is that it's likely that the work you are doing in therapy will help even if you don't explicitly talk about sex, and you could supplement it by doing your own journaling or thinking about the things you feel uncomfortable talking about.

[Noodle]

Sorry, I sent a reply but it didn't work. Unfortunately where I do my therapy most of them don't take new clients do I'm stuck for now. I think therapy makes me feel worse because I hate doing it. I've tried writing stuff down but sometimes that makes me feel like I'm being dramatic. Like actually reading how I feel about things. It would probably be the same for my feelings towards sex

[KierC]

Hey Noodle,

Totally ok! And I hear you that most of the other therapists near you may not be taking in new clients. Would you like help finding a different therapist? We might be able to help and scan for therapists who are well-suited to your needs and are taking in new clients.

[Noodle]

Unfortunately I can only really do therapy within the company I currently go to. I can ask for a new therapist and wait for one that takes new clients but that could be a long wait and my mom doesn't really want that. Thank you though

[KierC]

Hi Noodle <3

Ah, I understand that. I am sorry that it’s hard to find a new therapist right now. Is there any other form of support you might find helpful right now?