I only get horny after my partner leaves

[DemiKitten]

Could it be a shame thing? Like.. I only get a delayed reaction after he goes home.. Sorry I've been gone for a long time. Its hard to check in here. Talking about sex ironically doesn't make me feel that great

[mikky]

Hey DemiKitten, you are always welcome here. It can indeed be tough to talk about sex, glad that you are taking on the challenge (it’s worth it).

It seems like feelings around your libido and sex have been troublesome, and I can see how that might not create the most relaxing circumstances when your partner is around. Have you checked out this article? It may be helpful in considering how variable libido can be. Might there be less pressure and expectations when you are alone?

[DemiKitten]

Hey DemiKitten, you are always welcome here. It can indeed be tough to talk about sex, glad that you are taking on the challenge (it’s worth it).

It seems like feelings around your libido and sex have been troublesome, and I can see how that might not create the most relaxing circumstances when your partner is around. Have you checked out this article? It may be helpful in considering how variable libido can be. Might there be less pressure and expectations when you are alone?

Yeah..I'm super closed off. My family is unsupportive in my pursuit of romance and/or sexuality stuff. I've always been sexually shamed since a young age. I was sexually assaulted like..by other people my age..I was severely groomed resulting in many traumas by men online. I used like..sex as a coping skill for no attention at home..so like..i used to see romance and sex as very different things. Its hard for me to get aroused with someone I'm romantically interested in because I actually like them and its not like I'm looking for attention to fill a void. My partner gets like...kinda hurt? Like he teasingly jokes with me about why I'm not horny when I spend time with him..only when he leaves..its like..I do get wet when we hang out but I'm not horny. Its hard..I'm under massive heavy like heart attack levels amount of stress right now..its basically college and family stuff the cause of it. I only use masturbation to relieve my migraines and to lower stress..I know that's not what masturbation is for..but im withdrawing from advil abuse bc my mother wouldn't let me get on migraine meds..im so insanely stressed that honestly I think I could just get heatstroke and die..its california..its not uncommon especially since I'm going to a convention soon.

[Heather]

Hi there, DemiKitten.

From one survivor to another, I'm so sorry you had to experience the abuses you did, but I'm glad you survived them.

You know, there's not actually a "supposed to" with masturbation or sex with partners for that matter. What people seek from those things and get from them is truly so diverse. But as a relief from stress is actually a pretty common motivator for masturbation and sex with partners, if that's helpful to know.

I don't love your partner joking with you about something so loaded for you: have you been able to tell them about your history, and are they also generally respectful of your ace identity?

I'm not surprised that you aren't finding yourself feeling desire with this partner. From the sounds of things, you're just super stressed right now, period, and it also sounds like you might feel some guilt around not being sexual with them, on top of what sounds like their behaviour when it comes to the way you feel (or don't), not exactly being ideal.

[DemiKitten]

My partner is ace himself but like..not super respective of me being bi..like hes pan but like..we got in an argument the other day bc I was upset bi folks my age are using bi to be transphobic and hes like "bi has only ever meant 2 ...so if you wanna include trans people that means you're pan" ..that made me rlly upset bc bi has always included trans people for me..I got so upset with him I hung up with him on call..I was immature and apologized to him after..but like...I got bullied so severely for identifying as pan in highschool that I dont feel comfortable with that label. Hes like "but that doesn't mean you're not pan" ..i dont know..hes panromantic asexual. Im bi/omniromantic demisexual...he knows I suffered sexual abuse from my mother and somewhat grooming from others..but not to the full extent..I don't want to talk about it with him..not that he wouldn't be accepting..it just makes me depressed and I dont like talking about it..it was just an overstep in boundaries is what my therapist says but every time I have told people close to me they say i was molested..repeatedly till age 16-17..so idk..I just feel really depressed about it.my partner says we never *have* to do anything..I'm the only one who feels really much libido..he's a sex indifferent asexual..he does stuff to make his partner happy but doesn't really seek it out.. I just feel really depressed overall

[Anya]

Hi DemiKitten,

It sounds like you have a ton of overwhelm in your life right now! With this, plus your other post, I can totally see why it might be difficult for you to experience pleasure and enjoyment right now. I mean, anyone with this much on their plate to have to navigate every day has got to be having some trouble separating the hard stuff from the fun stuff.

I can also imagine how frustrating it must be to hear that kind of opinion from your partner. It's an unfair experience anytime anyone tries to decide for you how you feel or how you "should" identify. In reality, the only person who can decide that is you.

I also want to reiterate what Heather said before: there is no "supposed to" in masturbation, sex, or expressions of sexuality. Your sexuality is your own, the same way your emotions and experiences are your own. You get to decide what actions you wish to take based on your feelings about them. And truly, no one is going to be mad at you if you prioritize taking care of yourself.

Like I noted in my other recent response to you, I'm glad you're able to confide in a therapist, but it is ok, and even actively good, for you to practice questioning things your therapist says that you may not totally connect with. Asking questions like, why do we see this situation differently? Or to yourself, what might instead be helpful to hear from my therapist right now? It is always better for a therapist to hear where you may not see something the same, rather than them having to guess why your sessions may not feel as supportive as they could be. Does that feel like something you could do?

[DemiKitten]

Hi DemiKitten,

It sounds like you have a ton of overwhelm in your life right now! With this, plus your other post, I can totally see why it might be difficult for you to experience pleasure and enjoyment right now. I mean, anyone with this much on their plate to have to navigate every day has got to be having some trouble separating the hard stuff from the fun stuff.

I can also imagine how frustrating it must be to hear that kind of opinion from your partner. It's an unfair experience anytime anyone tries to decide for you how you feel or how you "should" identify. In reality, the only person who can decide that is you.

I also want to reiterate what Heather said before: there is no "supposed to" in masturbation, sex, or expressions of sexuality. Your sexuality is your own, the same way your emotions and experiences are your own. You get to decide what actions you wish to take based on your feelings about them. And truly, no one is going to be mad at you if you prioritize taking care of yourself.

Like I noted in my other recent response to you, I'm glad you're able to confide in a therapist, but it is ok, and even actively good, for you to practice questioning things your therapist says that you may not totally connect with. Asking questions like, why do we see this situation differently? Or to yourself, what might instead be helpful to hear from my therapist right now? It is always better for a therapist to hear where you may not see something the same, rather than them having to guess why your sessions may not feel as supportive as they could be. Does that feel like something you could do?

Sometimes I want a different therapist bc I grew up with her in childhood and its hard to talk to her about sex and sexuality. I feel like everyone in my life infantizes me for being autistic. My therapist says she doesn't but its hard to trust her or anyone really. I feel really alone.

[Heather]

So, it sounds like your partner isn't taking you seriously in some ways that really matter to you. They joke about your sexual desire and the way it manifests, and they refuse to identify your identity the way that you yourself do. Honestly, this isn't sounding great. (Mind you, if he mostly or totally isn't interested in being sexual with you, then a) that is probably also a reason you don't feel that full of desire in his presence -- desire is one of those things for most people where we need to also feel it coming from someone else to really feel it, but b) it sounds like it also doesn't really matter to them if you have desire with them or not?)

Can you tell me more about this relationship, like how you two even decided to make it a sexual one, and if there are other parts of it where you feel respected and seen and...well, better?

It's actually very common for young adults to switch healthcare providers from the ones they had as children to different ones as they're becoming adults, whether that's a primary care provider or a therapist, often for the kinds of reasons you're talking about: not feeling comfortable being an adult with them, basically. Can you ask your current therapist for some referrals to look into? Any therapist should offer those up if and when you ask for them, and also should not try and get you to stay with them if and when you are telling them they aren't working for you as a therapist anymore. In other words, they should be much more invested in your well-being and you having a therapist you feel comfortable with than in keeping you as a patient.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so alone, by the way, and that you're experiencing what feels like -- probably because it is -- infantilization. That's unfortunately so, so common in people with any kind of disability or neurodivergence, and it really stinks. If you want to talk more about this at any point, or even make strategies for talking to some of the people you feel are doing this, we can do that. <3