Dating while questioning

[Raffles]

For starters, I decided to post this under relationships rather than sexuality because I am more concerned about what to do with the relationship going forward than putting a label on my identity for the time being.

I started dating a guy in spring 2023. He’s sweet and funny and kind. It’s my first real relationship, and things are going well.

Except for me. I like him. I care for him. I feel a deep sense of friendship towards him. But I don’t know if I feel anything more. The longer things go on, the worse I feel about it. He says it’s fine that my feelings aren’t as deep as his, but I don’t know if that’s okay long term.

The previous crushes I’ve had (a grand total of 3 in my life) have all been men. But all of my celebrity/fictional character crushes have been women. And now that I’ve dated him, I’ve taken more of an interest in women. It’s sort of like now that I know what it’s like to be with a man, I want to know what it would be like to date a woman.

I feel like such a bad person. I don’t know if I’m leading him on, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, but the relationship is starting to freak me out. I like him, but I don’t know if I like him in the right ways.

Any advice would be very welcome.

[amber]

Hi Raffles!

I want to start by acknowledging how tough these feelings seem to be for you and I'm glad you came back here for advice.

To better understand your situation would you mind sharing how much of this you have shared with your partner? It is obvious to me you care about him and talking through your thoughts and feelings surrounding your relationship can be very beneficial. Without knowledge of what you are experiencing his view of the relationship can be completely different than yours. Communication will allow both you and him the opportunity to decide what this means for your relationship moving forward.

Here is an article that offers a 'relationship checklist' of sorts that may be helpful Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Do you have any concerns about sharing these thoughts with him?

[Raffles]

We’ve talked a bit. Back in February, I mentioned my concerns to him that I don’t feel things as deeply as other people, and he said that’s fine. He likes things as they are. I feel like I’m stringing him along because I’m not even sure that I want a romantic relationship (with a man or otherwise).

I have two major concerns. The first is hurting him, and I know that I can’t control that if I’m honest. The second is that my feelings tend to fluctuate. When I’m with him, I feel like the relationship makes sense, even if I do wonder about some. On the other hand, when life gets difficult (as it has been for me lately), I tend to withdraw from all of my relationships and feel very distant from everyone in my life.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I don’t want to lose the whole relationship (because, dating aside, this is the first friendship I’ve made in a few years). But I also know that this does bother me, and it’s not fair to keep him in the dark.

[Heather]

Raffles, have you told him that you aren't sure you want a romantic relationship? If you have -- and it sounds like you at least kind of have? -- then you aren't stringing him along. If you haven't, then you could solve for that by telling him. Then he'll know that, and he'll be able to decide if he still wants to continue on as you two have been.

In other words, if you haven't already, how about you solve for the part where he's in the dark by filling him in and seeing where this goes from there? That way you both get to make choices with all of the information at hand, which is the best thing in relationships, always.

I will say this: even that doesn't guarantee he, or you, won't get hurt. Unfortunately, something we risk when we get close to each other is hurt. It's pretty common for people to get or feel hurt at least a little or every now and then in intimate relationships, because we're vulnerable in them and because we're all mere mortals who have all the flaws and foibles of mere mortals. But feeling hurt or getting hurt when everyone involved is doing their best to care for each other is so different from being harmed or doing harm. The latter is just a different animal than what can happen because hearts are tender and intimate relationships involve them being open, you know?

[Raffles]

Our relationship is defined in romantic terms. We consider ourselves dating, and he refers to me as his girlfriend and I call him my boyfriend.

I think the most explicitly I’ve talked about it is telling him that it worries me that I don’t seem to have the same depth of romantic feelings (and emotion in general) as other people. I think I’ve just been waiting to “fall in love,” but it’s possible I never will. I’m not sure if that’s a thing I can do, and it scares me. I don’t know what that says about me as a person.

I worry that the relationship is uneven because of this. He’s never put pressure on me to be more emotional, but I still feel quite guilty about it. He’s my best friend, but I’m not sure if he can even be anything more to me.

I do plan on talking to him and explaining myself more fully. I know part of my inability to love may have to do with how bad the other aspects of my life have been (as I tend to withdraw from… everything). I was hoping that it was just that, but I’m start to think that 1. Maybe this is just how I am and 2. Things are unlikely to get better for the foreseeable future, and it’s unfair of me to wait for that to change to see if I feel any differently about romantic relationships.

The other part of it is that now that I’m in this relationship, I have been wondering more about dating women which also feels slimy, like emotionally cheating on him, if that makes sense. I haven’t done anything besides notice that I (think that I) find some women attractive. I haven’t felt the same way towards men since getting together with him. Still feels pretty terrible of me, though.

[mikky]

Hi Raffles, glad you are here.

It sounds like you have some great plans in place to maintain communication with him. Heather wrote above that there is a difference between feeling hurt and being harmed, and doing your best to share what’s on your mind is a caring approach.

I’m curious about your worries around emotional and romantic depth. It sounds like you think you are feeling less than others. I was looking at your post history and see that you’ve experienced a lot of hardship around mental health. Lots of surface level relationship representation lacks genuine engagement with how complicated things can feel when you have big negative feelings and smaller positive feelings, but that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or that it says something about you as a person. What do you think “falling in love” means?

I’m hearing that at the moment, even considering what it would be like to date women feels like “emotional cheating.” I’m personally uneasy around this term, since I have seen it used to cover all sorts of examples of folks finding connection outside of a relationship from flat out harmful to benign, and we as humans may want diverse and deep connections. Any form of cheating is dependent on what the folks in the relationship consider as boundaries. Observing a feeling is not terrible. Neither is exploring your sexuality and attractions. How else would we learn what feels good?

[Raffles]

This is going to be a very round about way of answering your question, but I just don't feel a need to hit certain relationship milestones and actually prefer a bit of distance. From what I've noticed from others in relationships, it appears that I'm less attached to my boyfriend than others. For example, he plans on moving once he finishes school, and I don't have an urge to move with him. I'll miss him, of course, but I don't think it would make sense for me to move just to stay with him. I also don't have any interest in moving in with him if/when he gets his own place. When I traveled this summer, I really only texted because it made him happy, not because I missed him. I knew that I was going to be back and I generally like to go off the grid, but he was sad when I did that last time. He likes to hear from me a lot more than I need to (not that I'm unhappy to hear from him). Overall, I just need less connection than he does. I don't feel particularly different about him from other close friends than I've had in the past with the exception that I make an effort to see him more frequently. To me, falling in love would include at least some of the things above. Not ever couple has to live together or be in frequent contact, of course, but the fact that I don't feel a need to says that I'm not as attached to him as he is to me.

And it's quite possible that my mental health issues play a role. I don't feel things as much as other people. I was just talking to a friend today about how we don't get a lot of joy out of hobbies. The routine is nice, but there's not really a sense of accomplishment or reward from performing well at the sport we do.

[amber]

Hi again Raffles,

You mentioned not feeling the need to hit 'relationship milestones' and preferring distance. Would you say that those feelings are specific to your current relationship? In other words, do you desire a future relationship where you want to reach those milestones with someone?

It can be very easy to look at other's relationships, relationships we see in media, or societal expectations, and think our relationships aren't working. What is more important is that the people involved are on the same page. From what you're sharing, it sounds like you are struggling with both relationship expectations and a disconnect between you and your partner's needs. It may be helpful to check in with yourself and decide what you are looking for. It is obvious that you care about him (otherwise you probably wouldn't be making this post) but remember it is just as important that your needs and wants are respected in the relationship. This article Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models may be helpful for you to start thinking about what it is you want in a relationship

[Raffles]

This is my first relationship, so I've only ever thought of milestones in a hypothetical sense. I think that I'd like a life partner, but I don't really know. A friend of mine put it a good way when he asked me if I desire companionship, which I do. I think I could be equally happy in a marriage, a QPR, or just a really good roommate situation. I don't really know. I've spent a lot of time being single, so I haven't really thought about it much. I'm also prone to strongly fluctuating ideas of my future based on my current events, so I'm not attached to any particular vision. That said, I know that I could end up single long term later in life (as anyone could) and I could be okay with that too. I know that's probably not very helpful. One of my big worries is getting "stuck" in my first relationship without getting to experience other options. How do I know what I want if I've only ever experienced one thing? Not that I'm just using him as a sample platter or anything, but the idea of a "forever" in scary to me.

[Heather]

I really hope you don't feel like you have to promise anyone a forever, let alone someone who is your very first romantic/sexual relationship. Can I ask what has you worried that you'll get stuck in it? Do you feel like even if or when it isn't working for you, or one or both of you have outgrown it, you won't be able to move on? It sounds to me like you actually do and have done a pretty good job of only being as attached to this as you want to be, and maintaining the kind of space you want for yourself. Are you worried that will change?

I want to add that thinking about dating people who aren't a partner isn't terrible of you. It isn't terrible of anyone, and it certainly isn't cheating. What is and isn't cheating obviously depends on what the relationship agreement is, but no one should ever ask anyone to (or agree to) do anything that involves trying to control their thoughts. That's just icky, not to mention impossible because we can't control our thoughts, they just happen.

But it is sounding to me like you might be saying you're more interested right now in dating women than....this person? Can I ask if that's something you might want to do, whether you stay with this person as a partner or not? In other words, might this be worth thinking about pursuing, maybe talking about not being exclusive with your boyfriend? Or heck, maybe it's time to think about if you even want this person *as* your boyfriend? I'm just not hearing a whole lot here that seems to suggest you have strong romantic or sexual feelings towards him or that this is a relationship you intend to continue in this way once he moves. Are you just waiting for the clock to run out on this as a dating relationship? If so, can I ask why, especially if you're actually more interested in dating others than in dating him?

If you want to talk about how to transition a romantic/sexual relationship to a platonic friendship -- since it sounds like that might be the most important part of this relationship for you -- I'm happy to do that with you, too.

[Raffles]

Sorry, I don't think I've done a good job of explaining myself. I like what we have, but I'm worried about the future. I don't see myself relocating just to be with him, but ending a (at the point it would happen) three year relationship just because I don't want to move feels selfish. Or, on the flip side, requesting that he doesn't move with me in the event I'm the one who relocates first. I know it's down the road and not something worth worrying about right now.

Non-exclusive is a non-starter for him. He's very much monogamous. I'm not specifically interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman, just wondering if I would feel any differently if he were, if that makes sense. It's possible I am not able to have romantic feelings for anyone at all. It's just that having a relationship now as a reference point has made me wonder about what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone else. It's more curiosity than anything else, and a fear that I might have to make a long-lasting committing decision before I have the chance to experience anything else. In a way, I envy the people who dated in middle/high school/college and were able to have a lot of different experiences before ending up in a serious adult relationship first. I feel like I'm trying to figure it all out on the first go around, and that's what's made things so hard to figure out.

[Heather]

I have to say that I disagree with you that not being willing to move for a relationship is selfish under any circumstances, but particularly if you don't want to stay in or keep developing the kind of relationship that relationship is. Unless I have misunderstood -- and if I have, my apologies, and please correct me -- you are invested in this relationship primarily as a friendship, rather than as something romantic and sexual. That's not to say we can't move for/with a friend and a friendship, we certainly can, but all the talk here has been about this as something romantic and sexual and a lot of it has been centered on how you don't seem to be feeling that stuff in this. I'd say a move in that context actually would be something you'd want to strongly consider NOT doing, and yes, primarily for yourself, especially if your friend is wanting this to be something romantically exclusive when you don't even have romantic feelings.

Centering our needs and wants isn't selfish, to be clear. We can't be in relationships in healthy ways without being sure we are thinking of ourselves at least as much as the other person. That also goes for your curiosities about dating other people.

You keep saying you worry you have to make a commitment to this: but you don't. I'm concerned you seem to feel obligated to do this, and like it isn't a choice. Can you say more about why you think you are feeling that way?

[Raffles]

I’m sorry it’s concerning; I think I’ve given the wrong impression. I tend to think too long term. I don’t see the point in starting if I know how things are likely to end. That’s part of why I never wanted to be in a relationship in college. So I feel like if I make a choice, then I can justify staying in the relationship because I know it will continue. In my head, there isn’t a difference between breaking up now vs in a few years (which is dumb, I know). So I put a lot of pressure on myself to make long term plans and choices even if I don’t have to. I hope that explains it a bit better.

In other news, I spoke to him and worked it out.

[mikky]

Hey Raffles!

Glad you spoke with him and worked it out. If you'd like to share what that looked like, happy to hear about it.

I'm interested in this idea:

In my head, there isn’t a difference between breaking up now vs in a few years

.
There's this pretty heteronormative idea that dating is for figuring out who you'll get married to forever. Divorce rates alone show us that is not something that works for most of us. We can enjoy the company of another person with no specific goal besides to enjoy their company, knowing that it may end for any number of emotional or logistical reasons. We can have wonderful relationships that don't move through a specific escalation style (exclusivity to living together to marriage to kids to......). Do you think that would feel more fitting for you?