not even sure how to bring up kink to my boyfriend

[ragtimepiano]

hi, me and my boyfriend (also 18) have been kinda long distance since we first started dating (5+ hours of travel), so we've not been able to see each other for months on end, however, due to it now being the summer break we've been able to see each other basically weekly, which has led to us being able to see each other more and explore.. stuff we haven't necessarily been able to before. we've also just really got a lot less awkward with each other now that we can see each other more.
we brought up sex with each other a few months ago, i'm personally not ready due to my dysphoria (we're both transgender men), and he is also not ready for it just yet, which i completely respect.
last time he was around, he disclosed his kink to me. i'm fully accepting of kink and i wouldn't ever hold something like that against him and let him know that. i let him know that i also have a kink, but i didn't disclose what it was. he said it was okay, and we can talk about it when i'm ready, but i just genuinely don't even know how to get over the shame to bring it up to him
i am ready to talk about it, and i think it's only right he knows because he trusts me enough to be able to open up to me about his. i don't know whether i should message him about it or even bring it up in person and i just feel so ashamed over it. i don't even know why either because i know he wouldn't judge but i just feel so awkward about all of this. i know he wouldn't leave me over it (also.. it's like quite common lol) but ugggh i just feel so gross bringing it up to him. it just feels so awkward when i go to talk to him about it, i feel like i'm forcing something upon him.

[KierC]

Hey there ragtimepiano, and welcome to the boards! We’re so glad to have you here.

First, how exciting that you have the summer to hang out with him in person! Also, I’m so glad to hear that being in-person with him has helped things feel less awkward. It sounds like that’s helped the both of you become more comfortable sharing your sexual desires with each other. All good things to hear!

I also hear you that you’re nervous about talking about your kink with him, and that you’re experiencing shame around what you’re interested in. I am so sorry to hear that you’re feeling shame about this! I know that can feel really crummy, and it can certainly make it hard to talk about.

Before we get deeper into this, though, I want to be sure that we’re using the word “kink” in a way that is truly reflective of your experience and desires. I say this first because often, we find the word “kink” to be pretty unhelpful in describing what is generally just something you’re sexually interested in. I have also seen in my work here that, sometimes, labeling something as a “kink” can come with some feeling that what you’re interested in is somehow weird or unusual, and can bring up feelings of shame, as you’re experiencing.
So, before diving in, I wanted to ask you: is calling your sexual interest a kink something that feels good to you? If not, how would it feel for you to frame your sexual interest/desire as just that, an interest/desire, instead of a kink? I’m wondering if that might make it easier to talk about as well, you know?

[ragtimepiano]

i think a desire might be a better term for it yeah, i don't really mind calling it a kink but i think referring to it as a desire would make it be a lot easier to talk to him about it

[maille]

Hi ragtimepiano,

From what I am hearing this a really healthy partnership! I absolutely love that you are talking and exploring before you are diving in head first. I am also glad you have chosen the word 'desire' for yourself. I personally also like it because its just seems like more of a palatable or approachable term when you are already in a place where you are nervous to share with a partner.

One thing that I love to recommend to everyone is Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Generally the best way use it is to figure out your wants and desires alone, so then you can best communicate to a partner and no one is on the spot.

Another one of my go to resources is Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner.

Maybe check these out and come back with questions! Let me know what you think!

[2kEgklitter000]

Alot of the time you just have to go for it and whatever the outcome is it is also helping yall get to know eachother more and trust eachother on different levels

[Tara]

Hi, 2kEgklitter000:

Going back to some of the initial emotions you expressed in your original post, like potentially feeling awkward or ashamed about discussing this with your partner, I do recommend you check in with yourself to be sure you are ready to disclose all of your sexual preferences and desires. It does sound like you feel pretty trustful and comfortable with your partner, which is great, and you also expressed that you feel ready to share. However, some of the forseeable feelings you have pondered may indicate that you need to explore all aspects before deciding to share. And once you do that and still feel ready, then by all means you should feel free to do so!

You are right that sometimes just opening up in the moment with full trust is also a great way to show vulnerability and become closer to your partner. I just want to encourage you that you are the one in control and with the power to choose when you are ready to share. Waiting until you are ready is also a totally acceptable option.

Did you check out some of the articles Maille posted above? Were they helpful at all? Is there anything else you would like to explore about this topic?

[ragtimepiano]

update -
approached him using the advice he was more than understanding and is also into it so LOL … was worried over something that wasn’t even that big of a concern to either of us. thank you it’s really helpled

[Latha]

It’s great to hear that the conversation went well, Ragtimepiano!