Unmotivated to catch up with friends due to shame

[Raffles]

Lately (as in, the past 2 years), I've been avoiding my friends. Most of them live in different states, so mostly avoidance looks like not replying to texts or giving really vague responses. All of my friends from college have full-time steady jobs with benefits, are living away from home, and about half of them are engaged. Which is great! I'm happy for them. It's cool to see them successful in life.

At first, I thought I was avoiding them because I was jealous, but that isn't it. I'm avoiding them because I'm ashamed of where I am at in life. I don't want them to know about what's going on in my life because I don't want them to realize how much of a loser I am and then stop being friends with me.

Anyways, that's it. I'm less looking for advice and wondering if anyone else has been in the same position. On the flip side, if you were a successful friend, what did you think of your less successful friends? Did you still want to be friends with them, or did it start to feel like they were lacking the maturity that you needed because they were falling behind?

[Tara]

Hi, Raffles:

I'm sorry to hear you have been avoiding your friends and not feeling connected. I also hate to hear that the reason is that you feel ashamed of where you are in life. I first want to start off by saying that you are not a loser, no matter what, for anything, and especially not related to where you are or are not at in your stage of life. As a matter of fact, the typical life "milestones" we are so programmed to aspire for and achieve are very much part of an antiquated concept that is not so relevant today as a lot of people prioritize other things that fulfill them outside of work or a steady job. Now, having steady work can be important as well as work that is fulfilling, especially if that is something you know will make you happy, but what I am saying is that it is not something that should be measured as part of your worth or in comparison to others.

I do understand, though, your feelings around this issue because it is not uncommon. For other reasons, I can relate to feelings of shame and even fall into the trap of comparing myself to friends around something I feel insecure about within myself. But I do try to negate those thoughts and beliefs by asking myself if they are rooted in reality or my deepest fears - and often I find they are not representative of reality. It sounds like your negative thoughts are clouding your judgement to the point that it is affecting your relationships, which really takes a toll! Can I ask, do you really believe your friends are people who would judge you harshly for where you are at in life? If the answer is yes, I would question if they are really friends! It took me a really long time to find full-time steady work after college, but I maintained several friends in various places - some found the jobs of their dreams, some worked at coffee shops, and others were unemployed. I also did not move out of my parents' house until my mid to late 20s. Honestly, I had the most fun I had ever had in my life (aside from my college days) with my friends after college who were in various life stages.

Does any of that resonate with you or help?

[Raffles]

Hi!

It's not exactly shame about not hitting milestones; it's more about the fact that my life is currently going absolutely nowhere. I flunked out of my first career (it's a long story) and got laid off of my second career. I'm in grad school to start a new career, but sadly the Current Administration means that it will be very very difficult for me to find a job in my field if the government is even hiring when I graduate. Yeah, it's cool I'm in grad school I guess, but I think I'm using it as a distraction more than anything else. (Privilege, I know.)

Do my friends judge me? Well, I can't know what they think, but I would probably feel somewhat judgemental if our roles were reversed. That said, they are better people than I am, so they probably aren't really judging me. Doesn't make me feel like any less of a buzz kill, though, haha. I have a friend I've been going out to lunch with and a different friend I FaceTime once a month, and every time it's like "so what's new?" And I have to be like "I'm still unemployed." And I don't have anything to contribute conversation-wise because literally nothing is going on in my life. I can maintain a conversation, but the whole time I'm thinking "Wow. This is awkward because of my life," you know? I don't want to make conversations about me or my problems, so I don't talk about then, but then I don't have much else to talk about. And that really makes me not want to go or catch up.

[Anya]

Hi Raffles,

That sounds like a really frustrating place to be. Especially with the concern you shared about grad school and work culture under the current administration, things right now can feel so unsteady, and you're definitely not alone in that worry. I can certainly also empathize with feeling like i'm not contributing to a friendship because I dont have as flashy of life goals as some of my friends.

What has helped me in the past, in a similar sense to what Tara mentioned above, is reflecting on my own values and what I see in my own friends. Am I friends with the people closest to me becuase I see them suceeding? Mmm, not usually. Personally, i'm friends with my friends becuase I see them as wonderful, funny people who make me feel comfortable and safe. I think a lot of them are really smart, and funny, and gracious, and it doensn't have anything to do with how much or little they have going on in their lives. They're still the same person regardless. I would venture to say your friends probably see you in a similar light. If you dont feel convinced though, you dont have to listen to me. Something i've done in the past when i'm feeling low is to ask my friends what they see in me. Sometimes, even if it feels awkward, it's better to overly communicate where you are and what you need than saying nothing at all. How does that feel?

[Raffles]

Hello!

How did you (if you did) get over the feeling of a maturity gap? I feel like I kid sitting at the adult's table when I talk to my friends. They have home renovations and managers/subordinates/retirement savings and wedding planning. It feels so silly for me to talk (read: complain) about my homework while they discuss, like, real adult topics. I'm not so worried about catching up on the relationship milestones (not everyone gets married or has a pet or whatever), but I do worry that I've financially screwed myself over for the long term and moving out may be unattainable in my 20s and even 30s which will, in turn, slow down my maturity even more. I'm very much an overgrown high school kid still living the high school lifestyle.

[amber]

Hi Raffles,

Although I'm sure Anya would be happy to answer when shes back online, I wanted to jump in with my own experience!

In the past, I have had the unfortunate tendency of pushing my friends away when things in my personal life got difficult. It felt easier to separate myself and deal with things by myself. Although my situation seems very different than the one you are experiencing, I definitely relate to the feelings you shared.

Have you thought about putting yourself out there to try and connect with some new people in a more similar life situation as yourself? I am sure there are lots of grad students who can relate to your feelings. Putting energy into the things you can control, like meeting new people or picking up new hobbies, may be a way to both feel better about your day-to-day and have something to talk to your friends about.

[Raffles]

Hello!

Yes, I have met some people in a similar situation which is nice. I feel like I don't have to worry about being honest. (And I just got rejected from the only job I've gotten through to the interview stage, and I'm assuming the internships I applied for that start on September 1st are also rejecting me. So that's lovely.) I've met people who have an associates degree and work in retail, people who stopped and then restarted college, and one friend who's graduating and turning 30 this year and still living at home which makes me feel like it isn't just me in this boat.

[amber]

Hi!

I am so sorry to hear about the job rejection. I think lots of people can relate to the struggle that is job hunting in this current market (myself included ), I am sending good luck!

It sounds like you have already been putting yourself out there to meet new people who may be in more similar life situations as yourself! Still, it makes sense that making new friends may not be able to stop the desire to disconnect from your older friends.

When I have isolated from friends in the past, it was usually due to my own self-doubts and negative talk. I put myself down and thought that my friends could do better. Do you relate to this sentiment at all? I had to take a good look at the way I was talking about myself and fix that first. As well as not make decisions for my friends - if they really do not want to talk to me anymore then they would have stopped.

[Raffles]

I'm sorry the job market is hitting you too : ( It's not fun. AI has also made things pretty brutal too, I think. I don't like feeling that my application might not even be read by a human, and I can't help but to wonder if my applications have been rejected in favor of someone else who used AI for a cover letter or something.

Yeah, I relate to isolation due to my feelings about myself. It's been really hard to feel positive about myself because I've really let myself down on a lot of fronts over the past 3 years. I had a lot of hopes and dreams and plans when I graduated college, and I've had to give those up one by one as things have gone on and lost opportunities due to my poor career choices and work ethic. I'm trying to turn things around, but it hasn't gone particularly well. This has been compounded by the job market making finding a job difficult and watching my friends be more successful.

[amber]

Yup I feel you with the AI fears. It is horrible how quickly it has infiltrated both ends of the job search.

I'm so sorry you feel like you've let yourself down. That post-grad phase is very hard, especially right now. At 21 I had a very different idea of what my life would look like. Part of that was ideas fed to me about the job market or what a degree will bring you. I can definitely relate to that feeling of 'giving up dreams'.

Even if those differences were caused by something I did or something out of my control, I have had to work on being easy on myself. My volunteer work here at Scarleteen is one thing that keeps me very excited and motivated. I had to refocus my energy on what it was I used to love doing (which for me was sex education!) to fight those self-negative thoughts about my situation. Does that make sense? Of course I can't say what it is you love or find real joy in, but I wonder if refocusing your energy on something you used to like to do would help like it did for me.

[Raffles]

I've been focusing on going to the gym lately. Another big bummer has been having to give up most of my hobbies because of a lack of a job. I used to love ice skating and taking classes, but I just can't anymore. I'm worried that I'll eventually gave to give up my gym membership which would really put me out of hobbies. I've applied to be a substitute teacher and I should be able to start by the end of the month. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep my gym membership and afford health insurance with that. We'll see how pricey things get after the new tax law goes into effect.

As a side note, I ended up on a discord call with a few friends. It sounds like everyone is worried about the job market these days. I think their jobs should be safe which is good.

[Tara]

Hi, again, Raffles!

It's good to hear that you are refocusing on things you like and hobbies to regain a sense of yourself and what you want in life. However, I do empathize with your concern about not being able to continue without a job. I am really rooting for you to land something soon! Along with your concerns and worries, I hope you are also inviting positive thoughts about your situation to surface too. The job search is certainly tough, but I feel confident you will find something. The substitute teacher route sounds promising. And, it sounds like you are opening up more vulnerably to your friends about your situation and finding that they can identify as well. These are all good steps forward that I think will enhance your life right now.