Ending a friendship with an autistic person

[shark_hyazinthe]

So, I have a friend who probably is autistic. I actually don't know for sure, because they refuse to get diagnosed. But they fit the criteria and I can tell they aren't exactly neurotypical.
They are a really cool person though once you get to know them.

The problem is, that they often do "embarassing" stuff, and they also really don't understand boundaries. At one point they were literally stalking their crush for example, and once they blackmailed me with saying they would harm themselves if I ever left them.

Now, exept for them, I don't have a lot of friends in my class, since they kind of keep me away from the others. I really want to change that, so I told them multiple times that I want to hang out with other people sometimes.
But now the teachers are siding with them (I think just because they're autistic and I'm not), and they think I'm bullying them, which I'm certainly not doing.

I don't think I'm in the wrong for wanting to end our friendship, because my own mental health has worsened so much because of them. I just really feel sorry for them, since they don't have any friends exept for me...

[Heather]

Hi there, shark_hyazinthe. I'm sorry that you've been struggling with this.

You know, we all get to choose who is a good fit for us as a friend based on what criteria we need and want. Ideally, that criteria doesn't include bias or bigotry, like not wanting to be friends with people of a certain race, gender or set of -- or lack of -- abilities. I think it may be possible there are adults in the mix here who may be mistaking the former for the latter, and I'm sorry to hear that, because it sounds pretty clear to me that this is about boundaries and behaviors, not about bias. For sure, it may be that you in particular can't manage some behaviors that are about neurodiversity (assuming they even are) that other people can, or that you might be able to if they were coming from a different person, in a different kind of relationship, but even if that's the case, you get to have that, you know?

I will also say that teachers shouldn't be "siding" with students -- and students shouldn't ever feel that way -- in a safe and sound educational system, so that's a real issue in and of itself if things are feeling that way to you at school.

We get to decide what kind of relationship we want to have with most people, and if a close friendship isn't right for you with this person, then it isn't. I don't think they or you would benefit from you staying friends with them when you feel like this, and because of motivations to do that like to appease them or get teachers to behave more professionally.

How can we best help you from here with this? Are you looking more for emotional support? For practical help? Both, or other things? Let us know and let's see what we can do to help you more with this.

[shark_hyazinthe]

One of the main problems is that they cling to me. I just don't know how to tell them clearly why I don't feel comfortable around them anymore, without possibly hurting their feelings.
I also know that they went to the school counselor once, and they told her that they don't feel good in our class at all, and that I'm basically the only support they have. So now I feel extra bad for leaving them....
Also, the teachers are just so focused on fulfilling their needs (as a special needs student) , that they just seem to forget that I also have my own needs.
I do get that they deserve the special treatment, because they're probably going through a lot, but now it just feels unfair.

[Heather]

I can understand why it would feel that way to you.

We shouldn’t feel we have to be friends with someone because we feel obligated, or because we feel like they are owed our friendship. What I hear when I hear this person saying you are the only way they feel good in the class is that the school/teachers obviously need to be better adapting the class or classroom environment for them. If they are saying or doing anything that makes that feel like your responsibility that’s really not okay. That’s their job, not yours.

How might you feel about trying to talk to this friend about wanting a *different* kind of connection than you have rather then the pressure or guilt it sounds like you might feel if it’s presented as an ending? For example, you might say something like that you need something that allows you more personal space.

[shark_hyazinthe]

Thanks for the advice, I'll try. I mean, I would always support them of course, I just don't want to be stuck in the "caretaker" role...

[char]

Hi shark_hyazinthe,

So sorry to hear about how things have been going with you and your friend. As an autistic person, I'd like to reassure you that you are not in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable with your friend's behavior, and you should be able to change how you interact with them, including no longer being friends with them if you wish to do so. Being the "caretaker friend," especially when it has put you under a lot of pressure, is never pleasant. I hope everything goes well for you from this point forward, and we're always here if you'd like some support