Advice for sex in new relationship

[youngpadawan]

Hi all,

I am sure this has been asked before but I hope to get some useful input based on my specific situation..

Simply put, me and my girl are having some trouble with sex.

To give some context, we only had around 5 sexual encounters with the last 2 being close to having sex. On the one before the last one, she said she was not ready, and on the last one we actually tried to go for it.

We are having all our sexual activities in the car, and the last time we met we even tried to put it in without a condom, it was just the head but any more was extremely painful for her. I ate her out for a good while before that, she again didn't finish but she said she enjoyed it and that again she doesn't really know how to finish. I tried licking, sucking, and fingering, and combinations for each.

In general, she has only had it a handful of times, is very tight, and has never actually managed to finish, which causes some anxiety in my opinion.

She expressed that although she really wants to have it she is having some mental blockers like the fact that she is insecure about being unable to finish and feeling that her genitals smell, when I have reassured her many times that this is not the case and I am really turned on by her. She genuinely is very hot and honestly does not smell almost at all. This worry was because the first time I ate her out was after the gym and she knew that there was a certain smell to it, which admittedly I was honest about after the fact, but this time was genuinely like 10% of that.

Another issue is my size which doesn't help both in terms of penetration but also in actually having a comfortable erection while wearing a condom. So I'd like some advice on that too, I'm not experienced on that front either.

My current thoughts are to get lube which she agreed with, and figuring out what condoms to buy so that I am also comfortable.

I do not want to book a hotel or go on like a small 2-day holiday for example just so we can have a room, because I feel like that might put too much pressure on her to actually do it and not let it happen naturally. We have only started dating for 2 weeks now so it is still super early and she said that she never moves this quick when talking to/dating someone (not that she has had much experience anyway but still), so this is another factor in my mind, and almost makes me want to just ride with it for now and let things happen more naturally. I do want to be adequately prepared though so I wanna hear thoughts on how best to do that, and what specific products I should buy. Eg I heard that water-based lube might work well for this but again, I am not experienced so I couldnt know.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post, I am just a bit anxious and want her to have a good experience as she hasn't really had one before

[Heather]

Hey there, youngpadawan. No need to be sorry, more information always helps.

For example, more information helps us to know that you're asking specifically about issues with penis-in-vagina intercourse, not all kinds of sex, just that one. More information also helps let us know that the issues you are having only appear to be with this sexual activity, not others. Relatedly, when you say you have had only five sexual encounters, are you only taking about attempts at intercourse, or does that five also include times you have been sexual in all the other myriad of ways people can be sexual together?

So, the vagina isn't something that is usually "tight" in any permanent way. Instead, like all things mostly made of muscle, how tight or relaxed it is varies a lot from day to day and even moment to moment. When she says that -- or you do -- does she mean that during any of the times she has tried intercourse with you or others that her vagina has felt tight or unyeilding?

By all means, if you and she -- or she and other partners -- have never used a lubricant, that will be an issue. Most people, most of the time, need lube. And even when it isn't expressly needed, it always feels better for everyone with it. Same goes for her feeling nervous and self-conscious: that will tend to make it so that the muscles of and surrounding the vagina don't relax, and the opening doesn't become flexible. All of this being in a car is also 100% going to be an issue, from making it very hard for you two to get comfortable to it usually just meaning people will be nervous about being caught. Your relationship being so new also is likely at play here.

I have some thoughts: what about getting that room for a couple of days, but making clear that it isn't expressly for intercourse, it's just so you two can actually have some time together to explore touch and your relationship somewhere more comfortable and safe than a car, and that will also just give you a nice space to focus on each other in general? After all, getting a room only has to put pressure on if you're not clear about the fact that a room doesn't = you two having to have or even try having intercourse. Honestly, it sounds to me like you both need more time before you try this again, anyway. Sounds to me like you need more time to find out some of the basic things about how to have intercourse with anyone -- and we can talk more here about condoms and lubes and such -- and like she needs more time to build trust and comfort with you.

A 2-day holiday with a new partner can be a wonderful thing, and it doesn't have to be any more (or less) sexual than anyone wants or feels ready for. Just being able to do things like sleep together and cuddle can go a really long way towards building comfort and trust, after all!

What do you think about that?

Also, can you fill me in some on what you need to know about condoms and lube? What have your experiences been in the past? What has and hasn't worked for you?