Best friend is talking to the guy I’m not over

[Alice37]

So I liked a guy in college, a lot. Up until we left a few months ago. He was really funny and kind and attractive and completely my type and also completely out of my league which I was aware of. He also had a girlfriend. So obviously I didn’t let on to anyone that I liked him but I really did. I wrote a song about him and everything, it was all very pathetic. My best friend had never met him at this point but they had friends in common, including me. I never told her I liked him.

After we left college this summer, all of us who were friends still kept in touch and obviously still live in the same city during holidays. He and my best friend started texting and I was like, “oh that’s nice that they’re becoming friends” and didn’t think much of it, because she has identified as a lesbian so far, and his girlfriend (now ex) was very different from my best friend. So it just didn’t occur to me that they’d be interested in each other.

But a couple weeks ago she showed me their texts and it’s blindingly obvious he’s flirting with her. A lot of people fancied him in college so I assumed she was interested back, but she told me she didn’t like him like that, or even really men in general. But then a couple days ago she told me she might like him back now, and I can tell she does from the way she mentions him. And I feel like a terrible person because I just want to be happy for her but it really hurts. I feel kind of sick whenever I think about it. I really liked him and still whenever I see him in person I get butterflies and shivery and nervous and kind of mesmerised. And I’ve been waiting so long to wingman her like I wanted to be really excited and supportive the moment she liked someone but I feel awful for thinking: “why did it have to be him?” I don’t know how to get over it.

[Heather]

Oh, Alice, this sounds hard, I'm so sorry.

You know, if I put myself in your best friends shoes, I'd feel like my friendship with you and your feelings are a lot more important than some guy I was barely flirting with, especially if and when I probably wasn't into guys much in the first place. Personally, I'd really want to know how you felt rather than having you hide it. The latter sounds just awful: the idea of my best friend feeling sick because they thought they needed to just suck it up so I could be happy sounds terrible to me.

How do you feel about telling her so that you two can figure out how to manage this in a way where you don't have to feel in pain and this doesn't get in the way of your friendship?

[Alice37]

Hi Heather,
Thank you for your response. I really want her to be happy, though. I can tell she does like him even though it took me by surprise, and he clearly likes her. It would feel so selfish to get in the way of that. She hasn’t had her first kiss or dated anyone yet, and he is a really great guy, and I don’t want to mess it up for her. I just want to stop feeling this way about it.

[Heather]

I can appreciate and understand that. I don't think it's actually selfish -- after all, some of this is in the interest of your friendship, since hiding feelings doesn't tend to be good in any kind of relationship -- or that expressing how you felt has to get in the way of your friends feelings: I think human beings are capable of holding two things like that at the same time. But if you don't feel right sharing how you felt and feel, you don't, and I don't want to try and talk you into something you don't want or feel good about.

So, here's something to think about: I have found that sometimes what can happen in a situation like this, with someone that was only ever a crush, that once we get to know them as a whole person, particularly in a different context -- in this case, as a partner or potential partner of someone we care about -- it can tend to break the spell of the crush.

Do you feel able to feel the way you are feeling while time passes to see if this changes things? Are there things you can also do to take extra good care of yourself in this process, to comfort yourself, that might help?

[Alice37]

I think that is probably for the best. She’s a very anxious person and a people-pleaser, and I know she’d get anxious and stop talking to him if I expressed any of this. What you were saying about seeing someone in a different context — I have actually had that before, where I quite liked someone but was able to get over them naturally over time, just because they were in a different context in my life. I’m really hoping that can happen here. Is there anything I can do to speed it up, do you think? Or to cope in the meantime?

[maille]

It's funny how once we get to know someone in a different context that the luster starts to wear off a bit. I really hope that is the case for you here.

In the meantime, I would suggest a few things. Let yourself feel your feeling without giving yourself a hard time for feeling them. Do you have a way to express these emotions? Also, finding somewhere else to focus your attention may be helpful. For instance, is there a book you've been meaning to finish that you can bury yourself in. How does this all sound to you?