sexual progression with partner

[coconut02]

hello! i have been with my partner since we were both 14 and we are both turning 18 soon. the transition to adulthood while being in a relationship you started as teens is feeling really frustrating and confusing... i am a very sexual person (secretly) , i masturbate a lot and have lots of fantasies. but the most we've ever done together is kiss and that's only pecking we are both so inexperienced and awkward in this realm. i feel too awkward to even bring up this topic with them even though i want to. (i want to try french kissing and just progress our intimacy in general) the transition to adulthood feels so strange because our love began when we were super innocent and now our bodies and needs are changing and stuff.. i kind of even just want to know if they masturbate sometimes too. but it feels invasive so i could never bring myself to ask something like that LOL i just want to be more intimate even if it's simply just *talking* about it and not doing it just yet. but i dont know how to overcome my awkwardness and fear of vulnerability

[Heather]

Hi there, coconut02, and welcome to the boards.

I can understand how you are feeling when it comes to the progression and history of this relationship. I do think, though, that not only do we always need to have the kinds of conversations you're thinking about in a relationship we want to be a sexual one, but that that communication is a big part of what transitions a relationship like this to a more adult relationship, perhaps even more than actually being sexual physically does.

I don't think any of these topics or questions are invasive for someone you have known and been very close to for four years. With awkwardness, usually the trick is just to accept you feel awkward, that a talk may even be awkward, and just let it. After all, awkwardness doesn't do anyone any harm, and in a lot of ways, what awkwardness just is in this kind of case is openness that we aren't used to yet.

You say, though, you are afraid of being vulnerable: can you say some more about that? Have you two been emotionally vulnerable with each other in other ways before, like sharing something painful or that scares you, or being there for each other during hard times?

[coconut02]

hi! we have been emotionally vulnerable however it's been through text and not in person. for context, the root of it all is pretty much a lack of privacy. we primarily spend time at school together or when we go out. we never actually get to hangout at eachothers houses because of family issues and such. this has been the biggest barrier in progressing our relationship. we connect so deeply on the intellectual level but the physical aspect is extremely lacking. we've had conversations about physical affection which we're trying to work on this year! but im stumped about the sexual part. i know there's no opportunity for us to even initiate intimacy so i guess what i want to do is at least talk about it? unsure of the steps i should take. regarding vulnerability, i struggle with it *a lot* but i dont think it comes from a fear of rejection it just doesnt come natural to me, i think because im autistic and part of my masking includes hiding that vulnerability.. physical touch doesnt come naturally to me either so its pretty frustrating!

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in, that's all really helpful.

You know, since it sounds like you're more comfortable in text, what do you think about initiating the start of these conversations in text? You could start with something as (relatively) simple as, "I'd like to start talking with you about some thoughts and questions that have been coming up for me about the physical side of our relationship. Are you open to that?"

If they say yes, then you can start where you'd like. That might be with telling them you realize you two don't know about each other's sexualities much, including things like what both of you might want together and what you each do on your own. Or, you might open with telling them what you have been thinking you might want if the opportunity arose for you two to be together physically, and asking them what they might want. Or you could start as plainly as saying that you feel vulnerable and awkward about it, but you really want to start talking about sex and sexuality with them and see where that leads you.

How does any of that sound?

[coconut02]

thank you for the advice! i like the last option i plan to bring it up soon. i still feel pretty nervous and im scared of crossing a boundary that i dont know of.. i just feel so embarrassed and need more reassurance and courage also, do you really think it wouldnt be invasive to ask if they masturbate? i genuinely want to know this about them and i will also share my own answer with them but i cant shake off the feeling that its wrong for me to ask.. (and when they answer yes/no, what am i supposed to say after?!) what if i accidently say something over the line? to what point is it considered invasive/uncomfortable? im both excited and anxious to finally have this conversation with them but aahhhhhhhhhh its starting to stress me out

[Sofi]

Hi coconut02, hope it's okay for me to jump in. To answer your question, no, I don't think it would be invasive to ask that. Considering you've been together for so long, and hopefully are comfortable enough with each other to talk about sex, including masturbation. However, only you know how comfortable you two are with each other, which often is tied to how vulnerable you're able to be with each other. I know stuff like this can be hard to navigate, but as Heather said, it's really important you can have conversations like these and openly talk about these things.

You could also just start by opening up about your end of things, rather than just asking him first. You could say you would like to discuss this since you've never talked about it, and go from there. If you say something over the line, hopefully he can respectfully let you know, and you can talk about it. The fear of saying the wrong thing can hold us back from vulnerability which is a reaaally important part of an adult relationship, so as you transition into adulthood, it's something you want to be able to work on together.

Have you two ever had difficult conversations before that you felt were hard to navigate? If so, how did those go? Did he initiate them or did you?