General advice around pronoun anxieties

[mikky]

Hey there! Don't worry about the thread getting long- we sometimes have really long conversations, it's what the boards are so well suited for
I can't speak exactly to what Latha meant by having a different space, but what I imagine is another group that is more social in nature/less "support group"-y, or a social event, where there might be some safety without the intense vulnerability of a space centered on sharing emotions... does that make sense or sound appealing at all?

[Latha]

Thank you, Mikky! Yes, that is what I was thinking. It can be quite vulnerable to talk about your emotions and receive support from other people. And, support groups tend to be structured in a way where one person is talking and others are listening--I was wondering whether that might be an uncomfortable amount of attention.

[Berkeley2003]

That totally makes sense. I think I need ideas for what could be queer spaces besides support groups?

Maybe this is putting the cart before the horse, but I think what honestly contributes to my spiraling is thinking about what if's? What if I land on he/him pronouns and what is my process for telling people? I'm kind of thinking steps ahead and creating analysis paralysis before even starting. I've been gently told before to reframe it as a good thing and that an outcome like that is an awesome thing. I can't really see it like that way. It's my own anxieties around unpeeling more layers of myself. I've in the past have perhaps attributed too much of my own anxieties towards internalized transphobia, when it's anxiety at the foundation.

I wish i could slow down and just let myself try it on and piece together my feelings. I feel like I'm going too fast.

[Latha]

Hi Berkeley2003!

Maybe this is putting the cart before the horse, but I think what honestly contributes to my spiraling is thinking about what if's? What if I land on he/him pronouns and what is my process for telling people?

I think this is an important observation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like the prospect of actually wanting and adopting he/him pronouns is scary to you, and it seems like that has a lot to do with concerns about how other people might see you. It makes sense that exploration would be anxiety-inducing if it feels like there are unmanageable risks to the things you want.

I think it is fair to say that we all need to feel secure in our relationships--we need to know that being honest about what we need won't push other people away. I wonder if the root of your anxiety isn't really about gender, but about how secure you feel with your connections... What do you think?

As for queer places that you could find that are not support groups... you might look into the activities held at an LGBT community center in your area. You could look for queer meetups, or attend events at your library that are likely to draw progressive and queer participants. And there are online communities that you could join too. Do any of these sound interesting to you?

[Berkeley2003]

hi! That feels pretty on the nose for me. I think that anxiety is more intense for me these days, b/c I'm trying to navigate mental health. I appreciated your reframing of my situation and offering places to find support/community in a less emotionally intense setting. I'm going to look into those suggestions.

I'm trying to wrap my head and think of ways to address what is the root for me, anxieties around people's perceptions of me and feeling secure in my relationship and connections. My friends have lovingly told me in the past that I'm an overthinker (I also have diagnosed OCD), so that doesn't really help.

[Sofi]

It makes sense that this is coming from a place of anxiety and OCD doesn't help (I have it too, so I totally understand the overthinking and getting stuck on certain loops of thoughts). I also would agree with what you said a couple posts ago about getting ahead and going too fast. Baby steps can be suuuper helpful in situations like these, where we are exploring our identity and don't want to rush or jump to anything. Do you have any tools you use when you realize you're doing this? For example, any grounding tools you've learned that help?

[Berkeley2003]

Thanks, Sofi! I'm glad that there is someone who can relate to how OCD can contribute to overthinking and circular thinking. I feel less lonely in knowing that. I feel like OCD rushes me into arriving at conclusions and not tolerating uncertainty. It's feels extra complicated to be trans and neurodivergent. I know intellectually there's no race against others and there's not a timeline.

As for grounding tools, I think I need to talk to my OCD therapist about my current situation with more seriousness about how it's impacting me. And trying to find a balance between not fueling my OCD and allowing myself to experience and explore my trans and queer identity.

[Sofi]

Totally. Having an OCD trained therapist is a huge blessing, so I'm really glad you have found that. I think it's a good idea to go deeper into this with them, since it's definitely linked to your OCD and they can help with the proper tools to manage it. <3

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you, Sofi! I’m just curious if you have any suggestions of grounding exercises. If not, that’s totally cool. I’m trying to find ways to emotionally regulate before I see my therapist next next week.

[Latha]

Hello Berkeley2003!

I can ask Sofi if they have other recommendations, but this article from Healthline might give you some ideas. Grounding exercises are just any activity that can help you feel more able to manage negative feelings and focus on the present, so if you think of an activity not on the list that would help, you could also try that. <3

[Berkeley2003]

That would be great! If you don’t mind asking Sofi.

I’m finding myself having some troubles with just calming down and taking it slow at the moment.

[Latha]

No problem, I don't mind asking Sofi to check in when she's in.

Was there anything in the article I shared that seemed useful or, anything that didn't work for you? Getting a sense of what you tried might help us suggest something that could help better. Also, is there something happening in your life right now that could be triggering these feelings?

[Berkeley2003]

I feel like what’s been helpful for me is taking showers and focusing on smells, like lighting a candle.

I feel honestly a little crazy and I feel bad for making this reply chain so long. Maybe this is a bad idea but I’ve since decided hey I think I’m a trans guy. And I feel like my head is spinning and this goes counter to taking baby steps?? I feel crazy and I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. I’m dealing with a lot of stressors in life at the moment like school starting and being in my last semester of school

[maille]

Berkeley2003,

I think it makes total sense that honing in on one sense, like smell, is grounding. Glad you have something that works for you!

It sounds like there are a lot of stressors accumulating in your life right now. I don't want you to put discovering your identity on pause, but I do want to see you practice more self compassion. I imagine that is very hard for you right now, but keep reminding yourself that the beautiful thing about developing our identities is that they are so fluid and have no deadlines attached to them.

Best of luck!