romantic feelings? close friendship? concerning attachment? idek anymore!

[random-rat]

I'm super confused about how I feel about my friend. So, due to my really bad situational mutism/social anxiety I had no friends until literally the last day of 5th grade. 2 girls basically forced me to hang out with them. Anyways one of them got sent away to some boarding school, but the other is the one I want to talk about. She’s basically my best friend, and my relationship with her is different from that with my other friends (yes me and her are in a friend group with 4 other awesome people). I have emotionally intimate conversations with her, hang out with her outside of school all the time, even our parents and brothers are friends. I feel some sort of crazy attachment to her, and it's hard to explain. I get super jealous when she is friendly with another person or has celebrity crushes. I get so scared that she likes whoever the person is more than me. And she recently sent a picture asking if her ab workouts had been paying off, and she was wearing a bra. Then that night I had a (sexual) dream about her. However, I don't look at her whenever I see her and get super nervous or anything. I always see romantic relationships as someone you love and want to spend forever with, someone who's more significant than platonic relationships with other people. That's how I kind of feel about her. The idea of her liking someone like that makes me sick. And the idea of loving someone else the way i love her is impossible for me. I'm just really confused if this is a romantic soulmate type thing or if I'm just attached to her because she was the first peer who truly accepted me and was nice and thought of me as an equal rather than just the girl who can't talk and you can kick her, hit her, talk crap about her right in front of her, and there wouldn't be consequences, because she just couldn't talk to people. In some twisted way my brain is just trying to convince me that I really don't feel for her, and I just want to hold on to what I can so I don't end up like how I was in elementary school, struggling alone.

[Latha]

Hello Random-rat!

I see how these feelings would difficult to untangle--we're happy to help you think about them. Here are my initial thoughts:

I'm just really confused if this is a romantic soulmate type thing or if I'm just attached to her because she was...

There doesn't have to be a 'just' about being attached to your friend. If she is kind, thinks of you as an equal, and accepted you when other people didn't, she sounds like a great person--I understand why she is important to you. Those qualities of hers are a excellent foundation for a friendship or a romantic relationship, so the kind of connection you have really just depends on what the two of you want to build together.

Reading your post, I'm hearing that it is scary and confusing to think about how you feel for your friend, because you don't want to lose her--you can't afford to. If there is anything about your attachment that could be concerning, it is only your fear that she might like someone more than you and you'll be left alone. I wonder if reducing the stakes of this question might make it easier to understand your feelings.

The fact is that your situation is already different from what it was in elementary school. You might have a special relationship with your best friend, but you have four other awesome friends, and you will meet many other people who will love you and appreciate you for who you are in the future. It's okay that you want your best friend to prioritize you and reciprocate your feelings. And she is your friend, so we know she cares for you. I just want you to know that, even in the painful, worst-case scenario that she doesn't want the kind of relationship you want, you will not be alone.

How does this sound to you so far?