Im really anxious about what my mom may know

[random-rat]

I ask way too many questions but whatever

so my mom has this app called qustodio that monitors my phone. its also used to filter inappropriate sites and lock the phone at night, which is understandable but it can also see texts. there's this filter thing that alerts my mom if it detects something "inappropriate" (50% of the time it's something completely normal like "oh heck no" or "help lol") and shes able to read it. but then it allows my mom to see all my texts and contacts and everything. so basically she can read all of my conversations.

she straight up told me hen she got the app that its to protect me from bullies and predators (how the hell would I get a bully's number and I have the brains to block creeps) and that she only reads things shes alerted of. however, I think shes lying.

she knows so many things that would either not have been alerted or if alerted would need a lot more context to actually understand. for example, my friend texted about being home alone and being able to call me until 3:00. later that day mom said "so does she stay home often? and she called longer than three" which wouldn't have been that suspicious except when I asked her how she knew she said "you told me earlier" which was NOT true. and my friend and I had a lot of texts over a span of 3 days about her questioning being bi and my mom knew EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of our converstations. and today she said to dad "[my name] has some crazy contact names and pictures for her friends" and I again asked how she knew and she said "you showed me in the car yesterday" except I remember every little detail and I literally left my phone at home that day.

and on top of that my brother walked behind her sitting on the couch and he told me she was on the app SCROLLING THROUGH MY TEXTS.

see I cant find much about that parenting app but I'm scared it can also see the images in my gallery which aren't inappropriate but there's a lot of mlm and wlw fanart. and also me and my friends text about hot girls so WHAT IF SHE KNOWS IM GAY.

its really scary, I feel like its hard to talk about private things and that my mom knows too much about my personal life and my friends, and also she told me hen she got the app teh point was shed rather have that then look through my phone, but at this point its the same.

I love her and know she means well, she always been there for me, and I'm sure she just wants to protect me, but it still causes so much anxiety and I'm terrified of what she knows. I cant confront people is the worst part, but I cant keep these feelings and have started to become more distant from my family, terrified of what they may know.

[KierC]

Hey random-rat,

You’re welcome to post as many questions as you have! We’re here for you. <3

Goodness, I am sorry you’re experiencing this. From what you’ve described, it does sound like she might read or look through more than she’s telling you. I completely understand how this would feel invasive even if she is doing this to protect you. I’ll do some research on this app and let you know what I find regarding the camera roll/photos on your phone. In the meantime, do you have any other devices like a laptop that might be more private? Are you able to use a library computer at school?

I think, particularly if your brother can confirm they saw her looking through your texts, it might be helpful to actually talk to your mom about how this is making you feel. How do you feel about that?

[random-rat]

she has this app on my laptop and I still haven't found a hack around it yet.

lately I've been using a web proxy on my school issued laptop for home so I can do things like go on queer internet spaces, this site, and talk to my friends about private things on Pinterest, but it still really sucks since I can only use this laptop when I say I have school work and I still want to be able to communicate with my friends most the time (and I do just not about things I don't want mom to see)

as for talking to her I'm scared she'll give me the same reply as she did last time I complained about the app which was "we are paying for that phone we could take it away" and "you wanna talk about 6th grade"(when I was literally 11 YEARS OLD I emailed bad influence people back when my laptop didn't have the app. I was trying to act like the other girls to fit in, I acted like a completely different person, I'd never do something that stupid again) and then "its not you I don't trust its other people" or "if someone bullies you I need to know" (why would any of the assholes from school get my number and my friends are the nicest people ever so idk what shes thinking) or crap about kids saying inappropriate things and I DONT TEXT THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE. me and my friends are a bunch of nerds who literally act like anime characters in the group chat.

I may have gotten out of hand but I fear what she has seen and still have no idea how much that app shows

[lilikoi]

Hi random-rat,

I am sorry you've been feeling this invasion of privacy! I hear you that your mom falling back on old examples feels irrelevant to your behavior now. That would be frustrating.

Sometimes writing a letter is a good way to show your parents that you have thought through their reasons and would like to give input about the situation. Whether they listen or not is still going to depend on their parenting style. I don't know that it will convince her to change the way she checks the app, but it could be worth a shot. Another idea could be to ask your mom to show you her view from the app. That way you both can be on the same page about what kind of access to your phone she has.

I looked into the app a little bit and the reviews that I read say the app does not have access to your photo library. Unfortunately, with parents who are so tapped into your tech, the solution might be to go old school and communicate with friends about private topics in person and so on until you have your own control over your devices. I wish I had a better solution for your frustration!

[random-rat]

I'll totally try writing to her, thanks!

and its a massive relief that it cant see my gallery, I might just have to ask her what she knows honestly.

thanks!!

[lilikoi]

Let us know how it goes! Hope things start to feel better!!