How Do We Best Define Sex

[JS]

I recently read your article on “How do we best define sex” and I’m wanting to learn more. In general conversation with my friends, they often use the word “sex” as shorthand. Until now, I assumed they were using a narrow definition of the word sex (for example, “we had sex last night” meant “we had sexual intercourse last night”). Now, I’m wondering if they are mostly referring to a broader definition of sex (“we had sex last night” meant they had any kind of sex which maybe didn’t include sexual intercourse at all). Is the narrow or broad definition a generational thing? Just curious how I know what others are talking about when they say “had sex”.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, JS.

You know, the only way we can ever know for sure what someone means when they say "sex" if the context of that doesn't make it clear, is by asking them. And, if someone is talking to you this way ("we had sex last night"), I think it's already a pretty intimate conversation, so if you want to know more than what they are saying, it probably is okay to do things like ask what kind of sex. They of course always have the option of telling you that's private if it is for them. <3

A broader definition of sex than intercourse generally has to do with a few things:
• it not just being defined by straight/heterosexual people (many of whom will tend to only define sex as penis-in-vagina or as genital, overall)
• if someone has or has not had quality, modern sex education that is taught through the lens of pleasure, not reproduction (or is themselves a sex educator -- we're a group who will always make clear that intercourse is only one kind of sex, not the only kind)
• what kind of sexual experiences someone has or hasn't had

I would not say that it's generational, at least, not if we're talking about generations starting with mine, Gen X. For sure, the generations before mine, again, especially when people were straight, did tend to have narrower definitions of sex, but you probably have had little to no interactions with folks in those age groups in your life save grandparents, who most folks don't talk much about sex with.

[darkingbog]

hiya JS. lately i've been spending some thinking time trying to figure out what "sex" means to me, and have had some similar questions.

some of my friends think it's silly and laugh when i say things like: "i'm queer in the way where i think really intimate eye contact can be sex."

i don't want to imply that thinking about sex this way means that you yourself must be queer or gay, because i notice that even though most of the people i talk to about sex are queer or gay, it still seems like we all have our own ideas of when something is sex and when it is not.

i think people's own definitions are broader than we assume, but like heather said, the only way to know is to ask. (which, to be fair, is what you're doing here!)

right now, to me, "sex" is anything that "feels like" "sex". i may not have enough experience to name a bunch of specific acts that feel like this , but i have an example. when i told my friend about wondering if i just "had sex for the first time" with my partner, they asked me something like: "well, was it on purpose? was it between the two of you?" and to me, (at the time and now,) after thinking about it, that experience felt "like sex." (even though it was very teenagers-on-the-couch-type-touching.)

so to summarize, for me "sex" is anything that "feels like sex ," not just acts that include having your body flush with another person.

[JS]

Hiiii - thanks Heather for that great explanation and thanks darkingbog for your insights on what sex means to you (appreciate it!)

I welcome other opinions as well!

[Andy]

Hi JS!

A few years ago on this page I came across the definition of sex be something like "something I wouldn’t want my parents to stumble upon me doing". It might sound a bit goofy, but it stuck with me because I liked how broad it made the category and how it didn’t include anything about the people or body parts being involved. I can’t find the article/advice column where I read it now, but I’m at least sending a link to this short piece by Heather tackling this question more comprehensively: What's Sex?

[char]

Hello JS! I'd also love to share my thoughts on what sex is. As an early Gen Z, especially one born to a religious conservative family in a generally conservative country, I feel like sex is most often associated with intercourse (especially penis-in-vagina intercourse) between a married cisgender heterosexual couple where I live. So in my case, it's less of a generational thing and more of a collective value situation. This narrow definition of sex unfortunately also comes with inaccurate, non-inclusive, and restrictive ideas about sexuality--think purity culture, binarist "gender differences," and so on.

The aforementioned definition was what I first came to associate with sex too, before eventually doing my own research (including checking out this very website we're on) and learning that sex isn't just penis-in-vagina intercourse. To me, sex can be seen as any activity that brings us to an intense kind of pleasure--bliss, even. It can involve lots of physical contact or none at all. It can be done on our own or with others. I will admit that this isn't the most comprehensive definition, but I do find it useful when discussing sexuality with those around me.