The desire to be sexy, but the obstacle of being trans.

[LopezMonty]

I don't really know if this counts as venting. If it is, I apologize. I just really need to get it off my chest.

I think (or hope) that it's normal to want sex and, by extension, to want to be sexy. I dream of wearing slutty outfits and going to queer clubs and being admired by other people. Maybe that's selfish of me.

But I always, always seem to want what I can't have.

I'm transmasculine. I don't know if I'm nonbinary and frankly, I don't care right now. No matter what, because I'm trans, I'm undesirable. I dream of having sex with men, but gay men probably won't like me. I'll just be a "crazy woman who's mutilated herself". As if cishet people don't tell me that all the time. No matter what I do, I'm not enough. I hate my body, and so does everyone else apparently.

Existing and desiring just hurt so much right now. Everyone says I'll get better one day, but how long will I be forced to wait? How long until someone takes me seriously? Until I'm sexy? Desirable? Look like myself and not a stranger?

I want to wear slutty outfits. I want to look like a visual kei rockstar. I want to look feminine sometimes and not feel like shit. I just want to stop feeling like shit all the time. To quote a book I've been reading, "I want to serve hard femme cunt while using he/him pronouns". I want to stop being so afraid of sex, my desires, other people, relationships, and the world. I want to have a cock of my own; one that is inextricably mine. I want people to take me seriously; I want respect.

I want love; I want desire. But I also want people to just leave me alone.
I don't want to hurt every day anymore.

[Becky]

Hi LopezMonty <3

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now. I can hear a lot of pain in your words.

I don't agree with what you are saying though. There are a lot of people, even gay men, who will find you sexy and desirable just as you are right now! And I don't think you have to wait to find them either. I know from your previous posts you've been hesitant to explore clubs and meetup groups but I KNOW that there are other people in your area who feel just like you do.

And I know it's not always easy to find them and it feels like you're all alone but I promise you are not. In fact, you can look through our posts right here on Scarleteen and see that there are so many people who feel like they just don't fit in and their gender expression isn't what they want it to be. Heck, I'm even happy to disclose to you that *my* life isn't as Queer as I would like it to be right now and I honestly just don't have the time, money, or energy to change it right now.

But that's ok. Because my identity is still valid and real. And YOUR identity is still valid and real. Even if somedays you feel more masculine than feminine. Even if somedays you don't know whether you want to call yourself a trans man or nonbinary. Our existence as human beings is nuanced, messy, fluid, and ever changing and our gender journey is going to reflect that as we learn more about ourselves.

I don't know if you've mentioned in your past posts, but do you have a therapist? I think a therapist who is familiar with trans and queer people would be so helpful for navigating this point in your life.

In the meantime, I have a few articles for you to check out:

Passing as What? All About Passing Privilege
Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?

You are also always welcome to post here on Scarleteen asking for peers who have similar experiences to you to respond. This is a great online resource to find Queer and Trans community! We are here for you (and a LOT of us are Queer!)