feeling stuck and hopeless about my body's sexual function

[n1ghtofn1ghts]

Hello. I am a transfem young adult and I am struggling with low libido, low erogenous sensitivity, and some sort of situational / partial anorgasmia. I got bottom surgery (minimal-depth / vulvoplasty) done a little under a year ago, and although I'm overall satisfied with the results, the change has disappointingly not improved my sex life much at all.

I suppose the best way to explain more would be to break things down into several related issues.
(1) I regularly find myself mentally aroused and wanting to masturbate, but having trouble finding physical arousal and sensitivity to match that desire.
(2) Even when I am able to get things working somewhat, my physical pleasure seems limited and dull. It will be very slight twinges for minutes or tens of minutes, then maybe thirty seconds or a minute of actual buildup, then orgasm. And sadly once I have one orgasm I can't find pleasurable stimulation again for hours or days.
(3) I have tried things with partners in the past, both before and after my surgery, and it consistently seems that when someone else is in the room my sensations just shut off entirely. Regardless of whether it's a partner touching me or me touching myself while she's on the other side of the bed, I don't feel anything sexual, just the baseline sensations of skin against skin.

I have tried non-genital erogenous zones like my breasts / nipples, which also did very little. I have tried kinkier activities like hot wax, mild painplay, and a little dabbling in bondage, which were fun enough but not "sexual" per-se to me so much as their own distinct kind of enjoyment.

I know it's not realistic or healthy but at this point it's hard not to feel like there's something broken or wrong with me. It feels like I'll never be able to enjoy myself fully through sexual pleasure.

Any thoughts on what I could try to do differently?

[char]

Hi n1ghtofn1ghts, welcome to the boards! I'm happy to hear that your bottom surgery went well. That said, I'm sorry that you've had issues finding pleasure in sex. It sounds like you've explored a lot of options, but none of them have been working.

When you said you had trouble finding physical arousal and sensitivity to match your mental arousal, is it possible to pinpoint how and why you find it difficult? For instance, maybe you've unconsciously tried to chase the pleasure that masturbating feels like a race rather than letting it flow on its own, or you might've found something in your environment distracting. Usually, when we masturbate simply to experience orgasm, and put all of our mental and physical efforts to orgasming, the orgasm may not happen at all. Do you think this is something you've experienced?

You've also mentioned that every now and then, you do "get things working somewhat." What kinds of things have been working for you?

I'd like to leave you with some of these articles, since my shift is ending soon. I hope they can help you figure out what you can do. We'll be more than happy to disccus it with you!
- Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
- When the Big O is a No-Show
- Ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body!

[KierC]

Hey n1ghtofn1ights, just popping in to add onto what Char said <3

Just to clarify first, are these problems you’re experiencing new as in post-operation, or have you experienced this before too? I wanted to ask as well, have you noticed any of these issues coinciding with changes in HRT?

Since you’ve had a shallow-depth vulvoplasty less than a year ago, it’s possible that some or more of what you’re experiencing could be due to post-surgery recovery and adjustment (which can take anywhere from 6 months to 1 year or more). Some folks who have vulvoplasties do report becoming orgasmic sooner than that, but it can vary person-to-person. How has the healing process been going for you? Do you feel like this might be impacting your libido and sensitivity?

In the meantime, I think it might be helpful to take orgasm or intense arousal off the table (just for now!), and get acquainted with how your vulva feels and responds to different touches. Sometimes when we approach masturbation and sexual activity expecting to feel a certain way or have a certain response in our bodies, we can kind of get in our own way and end up feeling dulled or like someone else is in the room. If we instead approach these activities with curiosity, it can actually be a lot easier to experience pleasure. We have an article/guide on this idea on our website, if you’d like to check it out and let me know what you think: Take a Self-Love Roadtrip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

[Heather]

One more reply from me, too! Do you have a copy of the new edition of the book Trans Sex from Lucie Fielding? If not, I think there's a lot in there that could both be helpful and hopeful for you.

[n1ghtofn1ghts]

> Do you think this is something you've experienced?
Yes, probably. I definitely struggle with distracting thoughts, my mind drifting to distinctly unsexy topics like politics or recent situations that caused me social anxiety, that can get in the way of enjoying myself.

> What kinds of things have been working for you?
It's all very inconsistent/unreliable for the most part. Sometimes porn art can help, or putting on music, but often it just feels like a roll of the dice more than anything.

> Post vs. Pre-Op
Yeah, I often had similar problems before my operation as well. I was hoping that the alleviation of dysphoria might help with them, which is part of why the lack of change has been disappointing.

> HRT
Potentially related, but again not super clearly? I remember when I first started progesterone a few years ago I briefly had no libido whatsoever before it gradually came back, but there haven't been any changes recently besides briefly stopping HRT for the operation itself and then starting again afterward.

> Healing process
Overall my healing has seemed to go well, the doctors at my follow-up appointments said everything was looking good and I haven't experienced pain, drainage, etc. in maybe about six months at this point. I have been able to find pleasure and orgasm sometimes, just not consistently, and like I said never with a partner. I suppose it's possible that there could be internal healing, nerve reconnection, etc. still under way.

> Curiosity
I mean yeah, that makes some sense, I just don't know how to keep being curious for more than a few sessions. Like, at a certain point that "oh it's new and interesting" factor just runs out, right?

> Lucie Fielding book
Oh, no I do not have that book! Perhaps I will take a look.

[Latha]

Hi there, N1ghtofn1ghts!

Thanks for answering those questions!

I definitely struggle with distracting thoughts...

If distracting and anxious thoughts are an issue, part of the solution might be refocusing and recentering yourself on the pleasure of the moment--easier said than done, of course. Can I ask about what you've tried when it comes to managing these thoughts? Do you think you can handle the drifting by practicing the strategies you are already familiar with, or is this something you would like more support on?

Yeah, I often had similar problems before my operation as well.

Agh, I get how not having the changes you hoped for would be disappointing, and I am sorry for that. Some more questions about how you feel about your body: Currently, have you noticed any discomfort in the way you think of your body, related to gender or otherwise? Do you feel desirable now?

I just don't know how to keep being curious for more than a few sessions. Like, at a certain point that "oh it's new and interesting" factor just runs out, right?

That is true, but as another way of thinking of it, I'm not sure interesting has to come with new. It is like eating a favorite food. It might become repetitive if you have too much in a short period, but there isn't really a limit on how many times you can enjoy a dish. Curiosity or interest can still motivate how you make the food, and the sense of want you feel as you eat it.

Kier's point about curiosity was also about getting acquainted with how your vulva responds to different sensations without putting pressure on your body to respond a certain way. Especially after a surgery, when we are still thinking about internal healing and nerve re-connection, I've heard that it can help to experiment with stimulation that is varied in pressure/texture/temperature/etc, and to combine that with mental exercises that can help you develop a sense of touch/associations with pleasure. Is that something you have tried already?