I feel guilty for wanting to have sex

[coffeebeans]

I feel bad for wanting sex and I don't know what to to about it. I never wanted it before but now I want to try it ??

Also how do you know you're not fetishizing women? ? I don't want to make it seem like I'm reducing someone to just their body or make someone uncomfortable. I want them to feel safe with me and not feel like I'm using them .

And how do you communicate what you want without feeling ashamed about it? I still tense up at the mention of sex or talking about it or what I want but I'm supposed to be an adult now.

[Anya]

Hi coffeebeans,

These are some big questions so let's work through this a bit together.

On your first question, what is making you feel bad for wanting sex? Sex is a normal thing to want, though unfortunately we generally do live in sex negative cultures which push stigmas and shame for wanting perfectly valid things. It's definitely common to feel shame about sexuality, but are the any things you can pinpoint that may be making you feel particularly bad? (parents opinion, peers, social media, etc.) In the meantime, here's an article to check out: Overcoming Sexual Shame

On the topic of fetishization: "Fetishization" is the mental process of turning something or someone into a sexualized object in one's brain. This means not seeing them as a whole person and reducing them to their sexual value. This is particularly different from just having sexual feelings toward someone, which is the experience of holding those sexual/romantic/intimate feelings for someone, AND also seeing them as a whole person at the same time. So their sexuality, or interest to you, does not take away from their wholeness and value as a person.

Its understandable to feel like these topics of fetishization and normal sexuality conflate though, as we see a lot of sexualized depictions of people, especially women in the media, making it pretty confusing when we grow into our sexuality through expose to those kinds of sexual representations.

Communication can often feel like a really tricky thing, especially when there is any insecurity about the topics we wish to communicate. Honestly, I wish there was an easier solution, but really the only way to get good at communicating is through practice. Here is an article of ours on communication about sex: Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner

I also want to note, please list a location in your profile to comply with our user guidelines. If a location does not match your IP (even just broadly) we will not be able to support you further. Thanks!

[coffeebeans]

I also want to ask about different types of attractions like physical attraction vs romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I recently learned that I been getting it wrong and learn physical attraction don't always mean sexual attraction. And I think I understand now what feeling a pull towards someone means.

Can you experience sexual attraction without the physical or vice versa?

Because they both sound like thing that would go together often so what would experiencing one without the other looks like?

[KierC]

Hey coffeebeans!

I’d be happy to chat about different types of attraction with you. What you learned recently is right: sexual attraction is distinct from physical attraction. Sexual attraction is the feeling of wanting to engage in sexual activity with another person, and physical attraction is finding someone’s physical traits appealing. Though they often come together, they can each be experienced without the other.

For example, you can experience physical attraction to someone without feeling the desire to have sex with them if you simply appreciate their appearance in a non-sexual way. You can also feel sexually attracted to someone without necessarily finding them physically appealing, because there are so many components about people besides physical traits/appearance that can make someone want to engage in sexual activity with them. Know what I mean?