He’s back in my life but it’s not fun

[ribbons?]

My ex and I broke up in November, although we didn’t really stop talking until February. He is, as far as I can tell, pretty completely over me and openly likes someone else. I felt like I was pretty over him when we stopped talking; I was getting minor crushes on other people and stuff, though nothing like what I once felt for him.

The thing is, we talked again recently, and he wants to be friends again. We were best friends for years before we dated, and only dated six months. I feel like this should be easy — it definitely seems easy for him — but it’s really not. I don’t know if I really still have romantic feelings for him, but I definitely don’t feel as moved on from everything that happened between us as he does. Maybe it’s because it was my first relationship and his third one? He also has memory problems due to mental illness so that could be part of it. He just seems so ready to go back to the way we were before we started dating. I loved being his friend and I’d love to be able to do that again, but it’s like I’m still in the habit of being in love with him when he’s around.

This has only come up in conversation with him when he jokingly said something about us writing porn together. Maybe it’s weird, but we used to like to do that. We only did it when we were dating though. I know it’s not actually super uncommon for friends to talk about that stuff, but it’s not something I’ve ever done with any of my friends. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with him in any way, even in this way, because I’m worried it will lead to me falling back in love with him. I don’t think he will ever feel that way for me again, and I don’t see the point in getting more hurt than I’ve already been. To be clear I did say I didn’t want to write porn with him, and he was ok with that boundary, but I thought it was weird that he was surprised by it.

Really, I think we made a mistake dating. It was great, it was fun, but we weren’t meant to be and didn’t even last that long, and I feel like I ruined the deepest connection and friendship of my life. I want it back, but I don’t know if I can do it. But I also just want his friendship back that part of me wants to try to push past it and find a way to be friends.

Should I talk to him about this? I don’t know what to do. I’m worried if I talk to him I’ll ruin the good direction our friendship has been heading in, but I also don’t actually feel that great about any of it. I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about it. She hates him and thinks I should stay away from him. He doesn’t seem to have noticed that I’m struggling with it, and if he’s having issues with it himself he’s doing a good job hiding it.

I’m also just kind of hurt that he moved on so quickly. It took him a lot longer to move on from his last boyfriend and after breaking up with me he just seemed to be thinking about that same boyfriend again. Sometimes I feel like our relationship was everything to me and not that important to him, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by expressing any of this.

[amber]

Hi ribbons? !

It is absolutely reasonable to want some space after exiting a relationship. Even if friendship is something that you could consider in the future, time apart is not only common but healthy. How do you think it would go over to ask for some space, at least for now?

Have you been doing anything to help you get throgh the changes that have come with this breakup. We have an article here that may be helpful -- Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

You mention your therapist doesn't like your ex partner. Would you wanna talk more about that here?