When to take pregnancy test?

[naurmi008]

Hi!
My last period started on may 8th and i had unprotected sex on may 21, 22, and 31. I took plan b within 5 hours each time. I'm wondering when should i take a pregnancy test if my cycle's usually 3-4 weeks?

[Heather]

The best time to take a test for the most accurate results is to take it after your period is expected. So, in this case, that's probably after June 8th.

Using Plan B as your only birth control tends to be both expensive and not as effective as other methods: would you like some help talking to your partner(s) about condoms, and/or finding another method you can use yourself that costs less and is more effective than Plan B? You clearly don't want to become pregnant, so using only Plan B really isn't a great plan if you have other options.

[naurmi008]

Hi!
Is june 9th an ok date?
And yes i don't want to be pregnant i've talked to my mom about birth control and since i'm starting uni soon in korea, she's planning on starting me on birth control (probably an iud?)
I'm moreso concerned about what to do if i do get a positive test result. I reached out to women on web and they redirected me to samsara hotline since i'm in indonesia but i'm not sure where to go from there

[Heather]

I think that for right now, it doesn't make sense to talk what-ifs with a possible positive result: let's see what happens and then take it from there if you get that result. But there is something I think you really need to address now, and that's continuing to have unprotected sex.

It also sounds like you're being avoidant when it comes to talking about condom use with partners, both here and probably with them, too. That really matters because while an STI doesn't have the same kind of possible impact on your life as a pregnancy does, they are still ideally avoided, especially STIs like HIV that put your health and sometimes life at risk in a big way, and that can involve having to manage a serious health condition for life. Condoms are largely how we prevent STI transmission, and you get the extra bonus of pregnancy prevention, too.

Can you talk to me a bit about what's got you feeling unable to ask partners to use condoms?

It also sounds like it's not a good idea for you to wait any longer for an effective method of birth control, especially if you're going to keep choosing to have unprotected sex in the meantime. You're of age to seek out a method for yourself, so why wait on your mother or until the fall?

[naurmi008]

Hi!
My partner and i do talk about using condoms, and we did initially, but it didn't really work because it kept slipping off or ripping...
I do want to get on birth control ASAP but i'm not sure how to access it in indonesia

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds like you two were not using them correctly.

Ripping usually happens when condoms are not used with lubricant or enough lubricant: were you using an additional lubricant with your condoms? Were the condoms you used also within their expiration date?

Slipping off can happen for a couple reasons: a lack of lubricant is one reason for this, too, but so is someone using a condom that's too big for them. It may be that your partner needs to buy a slimmer condom than he was using.

There's a clear walkthrough of how to use condoms properly at the top of this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual- ... s-all-time

My understanding of birth control access in Indonesia is that it's very restricted for people who aren't married when it comes to public health services, but that private doctors can offer methods to unmarried people. Do you currently have a doctor you see for your general health? If so, that's who I would schedule an appointment with to talk about birth control, and if you haven't yet, that's also who I would schedule STI testing with, since you've obviously been taking STI risks if you haven't been using barriers like condoms.

And in the meantime, rather than relying only on Plan B, I'd strongly recommend you and your partner learn how to use condoms correctly. That's something that is probably important for both of you to learn, both for now and for the rest of your sexual lives, whether you stay each other's partner over time or not.

[naurmi008]

I think we lacked lubricant honestly...but our condoms were within its expiration date
Currently i don't have a designated doctor per se, i think i could try to look for a hospital to visit but i'm not sure if i can go without a guardian

[Heather]

Well, the good news is that adding lubricant not only makes condoms as durable as they are, it also tends to make all kinds of sex with friction feel better than they feel without! To the best of my knowledge, you can get lubricant at Indonesian pharmacies just like we can in other places.

Since the age of majority in Indonesia is 18, and you're 18, you should be able to access any kind of healthcare without another adult present.

[naurmi008]

Yes i think i'll try and see a doctor about this asap. I'm just afraid they'll start asking me about my marital status
And regarding taking my pregnancy test later, would this be something i should talk to my boyfriend about? I know he'd support whatever decision i make, but i don't want to scare him just yet for a tentative situation. And a part of me feels like i have to handle this myself (at least for as long as i can)

[Heather]

I can understand that worry, especially since it seems likely they will ask about that. You know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex when you aren't married, even when you live somewhere that suggests there is. In reality, people who are not married have sex just like people who are married do, and often enough, people who aren't married have more sex than people who aren't. And that's without even going into the reality of how many married people have sex with people they aren't married to.

Do you feel up to just saying, without any emotional attachment, "No, I'm not married," if you're asked about that? Because that strikes me as the best way to go in this kind of situation -- just be factual, and don't let anyone or any value judgments they might make rattle you.

Personally, I don't feel like it's fair to ask someone in a relationship who could be pregnant to handle worries on their own without the other person involved. After all, they also chose to take risks, even though they are risks that impact you a lot more than them. I also feel like protecting your partner from being a responsible person not only isn't something to protect someone from, it isn't a recipe for sexual relationships that are actually good for you, you know? I think you -- like everyone -- deserve emotional support from people you are intimate with.

If it helps to hear a personal take, while I can't get pregnant myself anymore, during the decades I could, when I was partnered with people who could get me pregnant, a dealbreaker for me (outside super casual, one-time things, anyway) was male partners who would BE scared off by frank talk about the risks we were taking or just things that can happen as a result of sex. For me, that would have been a sign that person lacked the emotional maturity to be having that kind of sex and a lack of care for me, as a person with risks they didn't themselves have. I'd say if your boyfriend is scared off by you asking for support for risks you have chosen to take together but that put you at much greater risk that that wasn't a boyfriend worth keeping. You do you, by all means, and if you choose to go this alone, you do, but I can't help but wonder if you feel like you do because this partner lacks the care they really should have here, something also evidenced to me by them not learning how to use condoms properly so that they can at least share the responsibility of the sex you're having with you.

Do you know what I mean?

[naurmi008]

I think i would be ok with just saying i'm not married, but i would have to find a hospital that's a bit further away because i know how fast rumors spread in my town, especially given that some of my friends' parents work at the local hospitals here
And as for my boyfriend, it's definitely not because he lacks care. He's always asked me if we want to use protection and makes sure i'm always OK with all the sexual activities we partake in. I think i'm just more hesitant to talk to him now because i've grown to be a lot more hyperindependent than i should be due to many different circumstances. I just don't know how to bring it up to him without feeling embarrassed? I know he would never judge me or shame me for it but there's this internal feeling that i have to handle this alone

[Heather]

I think i would be ok with just saying i'm not married, but i would have to find a hospital that's a bit further away because i know how fast rumors spread in my town, especially given that some of my friends' parents work at the local hospitals here

I can understand that. Is that something you're able to do, to go further away?

And as for my boyfriend, it's definitely not because he lacks care. He's always asked me if we want to use protection and makes sure i'm always OK with all the sexual activities we partake in. I think i'm just more hesitant to talk to him now because i've grown to be a lot more hyperindependent than i should be due to many different circumstances. I just don't know how to bring it up to him without feeling embarrassed? I know he would never judge me or shame me for it but there's this internal feeling that i have to handle this alone.

As a very independent person, I understand that, too. Look, you're not obligated to tell him -- you get to tell him whatever you want about this or not. But I do hear you expressing what sounds like a desire for emotional support, and I do also think that sometimes male partners taking big pregnancy risks like you two have been benefit from being included with things like this so that the risks are actually real for them, if you get what I mean. The fact that you have a body that can become pregnant and that you're worried about pregnancy you both have been taking risks of is nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just biology.

It also sounds like it's been you telling him that you don't need to use protection, which confuses me since you're so clear you don't want to become pregnant. Are you open to share with me why you have been telling him you don't need to? And why you haven't had a conversation with him making clear that you do not want to become pregnant, so you DO always need to be using protection? That doesn't sound like independence to me, that sounds to me like you being afraid to ask him for what you actually need.