Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?

[4mb3r]

(Kind of a long post)
I am trying to determine if I experienced SA/manipulation/abuse in a past relationship. We were the same age but I didn’t have any experience before him and he had a lot. In general I felt a lot of pressure to always learn the next thing and just be a lot more sexual and kind of catch up to him, but idk if he was trying to make me feel like that on purpose. I feel confused because in the moment it felt like I was making my own choices to go along with things and I never felt like he was “forcing” me into anything. He would ask for consent and stuff. But for some reason today I feel kind of gross when I look back and I think I ended up doing more than I was really ready for, but I can't tell how much of this was because he was actually pressuring me or if I just had poor communication.

Here are some examples (explicit)
1. At first there were a few times where he would just be masturbating next to me and he would stop before he finished, I think so that I could just get to used it, anyway one time I got the sense that he wasn’t going to stop, I asked him if he was going to, and he sort of just explained that it was uncomfortable and he wanted to finish anyway. At the time this didn’t really bother me but now I feel weird about it almost like he convinced me to change my mind but idk if I’m overthinking it?
2. He would sometimes start touching me when his roommate was asleep just a few feet away, I knew he felt like this was all taboo and exciting but it just made me nervous, but I never told him to stop or how this made me feel
3. Once we were messing around and I had his finger in my mouth and I realized that he was sort of guiding me towards his penis and this kind of freaked me out because I didn’t realize that was what he was expecting, I asked to stop and we did take a break for a few moments but I ended up giving him a blowjob anyway even though I felt weird about it
4. One night we were hanging out with a few other people and he started making out with me in front of everybody and somebody made a joke comment like “Do you want us to join in” and he said yes and wasn't joking, and I felt like I had to push him off of me and diffuse the situation because it was awkward. At the time I was upset because he had previously mentioned wanting to involve other people and I was extremely clear that I did not want that so this was embarrassing for me. But now that it has been a while I realize I was also scared that something would happen that I didn’t want
5. This sounds really weird but idk how else to explain it. One time we were making out and stuff and I just had the feeling that he wanted to have sex right away without stopping to get a condom (which we usually did, and that was what I preferred, but I knew he preferred without a condom) and idk if this makes sense but I just felt like it would be better if I did it myself so I just sort of took control and got him inside of me myself. I remember being really surprised that I did that. And today it makes me feel kind of bad and hypocritical because I didn’t talk to him about that first which is what I wish he had done for me other times

Anyway just wondering how to tell the difference if this was some kind of SA or me just being overwhelmed/not good at communicating?

[Heather]

Hey there, 4mb3r. Welcome to Scarleteen and the boards.

The best person to answer whether or not something was abuse of any kind os generally the person or people who may have been abused, so I want to make clear that your own feelings and assessments of these and any other situations are what I think should carry the most weight here.

That said, the biggest thread that I am seeing in what you have posted here is a lack of communication on both your parts, but what sounds most like a lack of communication coming from you. It sounds to me like a lot of the time, you just didn't feel able or confident communicating with this partner, including when they were doing things that you didn't want or feel comfortable with. You ask if this was about you feeling overwhelmed, so I can only assume that's because you did feel overwhelmed. It certainly sounds to me like you were in too deep when it came to what you actually felt ready for, and how able you felt -- or more to the point, didn't feel -- to speak up for yourself, and to feel real agency in this relationship. That's not super surprising to me when it comes to anyone's first or early sexual relationships, nor is that feeling you seem to be describing of pressure to do things even when it didn't seem like that pressure was coming from this partner.

I do see one big standout here though, and that's your 4th example. You say that you were very clear you had no interest in having others involved in anything sexual and that he was clear he was, and then in that public setting he said yes to other people joining in earnest without consulting you. That you felt like you had to push him off to get away and stop that feels very different to me than some of the other examples you've given here, because here you WERE clear in your communication, he clearly did not ask for your consent, and the fact that you felt you had to physically get away instead of saying no suggests to me that this wasn't something that was otherwise healthy, but that you just weren't interested in. It also gives me some clues about why you didn't feel agency in communicating some things to him, especially after an experience like this. It's hard to feel like we have agency if and when someone takes it away from us, and if and when there's a general vibe of a partner not fully needing or seeking our own desire or consent, that is generally indicative of a relationship that isn't a healthy one.

How does all of that land with you? How can we help you from here with this, or with assuring that any current or future relationships or interactions are different than this?