(Kind of a long post)
I am trying to determine if I experienced SA/manipulation/abuse in a past relationship. We were the same age but I didn’t have any experience before him and he had a lot. In general I felt a lot of pressure to always learn the next thing and just be a lot more sexual and kind of catch up to him, but idk if he was trying to make me feel like that on purpose. I feel confused because in the moment it felt like I was making my own choices to go along with things and I never felt like he was “forcing” me into anything. He would ask for consent and stuff. But for some reason today I feel kind of gross when I look back and I think I ended up doing more than I was really ready for, but I can't tell how much of this was because he was actually pressuring me or if I just had poor communication.
Here are some examples (explicit)
1. At first there were a few times where he would just be masturbating next to me and he would stop before he finished, I think so that I could just get to used it, anyway one time I got the sense that he wasn’t going to stop, I asked him if he was going to, and he sort of just explained that it was uncomfortable and he wanted to finish anyway. At the time this didn’t really bother me but now I feel weird about it almost like he convinced me to change my mind but idk if I’m overthinking it?
2. He would sometimes start touching me when his roommate was asleep just a few feet away, I knew he felt like this was all taboo and exciting but it just made me nervous, but I never told him to stop or how this made me feel
3. Once we were messing around and I had his finger in my mouth and I realized that he was sort of guiding me towards his penis and this kind of freaked me out because I didn’t realize that was what he was expecting, I asked to stop and we did take a break for a few moments but I ended up giving him a blowjob anyway even though I felt weird about it
4. One night we were hanging out with a few other people and he started making out with me in front of everybody and somebody made a joke comment like “Do you want us to join in” and he said yes and wasn't joking, and I felt like I had to push him off of me and diffuse the situation because it was awkward. At the time I was upset because he had previously mentioned wanting to involve other people and I was extremely clear that I did not want that so this was embarrassing for me. But now that it has been a while I realize I was also scared that something would happen that I didn’t want
5. This sounds really weird but idk how else to explain it. One time we were making out and stuff and I just had the feeling that he wanted to have sex right away without stopping to get a condom (which we usually did, and that was what I preferred, but I knew he preferred without a condom) and idk if this makes sense but I just felt like it would be better if I did it myself so I just sort of took control and got him inside of me myself. I remember being really surprised that I did that. And today it makes me feel kind of bad and hypocritical because I didn’t talk to him about that first which is what I wish he had done for me other times
Anyway just wondering how to tell the difference if this was some kind of SA or me just being overwhelmed/not good at communicating?
Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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Re: Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Hey there, 4mb3r. Welcome to Scarleteen and the boards.
The best person to answer whether or not something was abuse of any kind os generally the person or people who may have been abused, so I want to make clear that your own feelings and assessments of these and any other situations are what I think should carry the most weight here.
That said, the biggest thread that I am seeing in what you have posted here is a lack of communication on both your parts, but what sounds most like a lack of communication coming from you. It sounds to me like a lot of the time, you just didn't feel able or confident communicating with this partner, including when they were doing things that you didn't want or feel comfortable with. You ask if this was about you feeling overwhelmed, so I can only assume that's because you did feel overwhelmed. It certainly sounds to me like you were in too deep when it came to what you actually felt ready for, and how able you felt -- or more to the point, didn't feel -- to speak up for yourself, and to feel real agency in this relationship. That's not super surprising to me when it comes to anyone's first or early sexual relationships, nor is that feeling you seem to be describing of pressure to do things even when it didn't seem like that pressure was coming from this partner.
I do see one big standout here though, and that's your 4th example. You say that you were very clear you had no interest in having others involved in anything sexual and that he was clear he was, and then in that public setting he said yes to other people joining in earnest without consulting you. That you felt like you had to push him off to get away and stop that feels very different to me than some of the other examples you've given here, because here you WERE clear in your communication, he clearly did not ask for your consent, and the fact that you felt you had to physically get away instead of saying no suggests to me that this wasn't something that was otherwise healthy, but that you just weren't interested in. It also gives me some clues about why you didn't feel agency in communicating some things to him, especially after an experience like this. It's hard to feel like we have agency if and when someone takes it away from us, and if and when there's a general vibe of a partner not fully needing or seeking our own desire or consent, that is generally indicative of a relationship that isn't a healthy one.
How does all of that land with you? How can we help you from here with this, or with assuring that any current or future relationships or interactions are different than this?
The best person to answer whether or not something was abuse of any kind os generally the person or people who may have been abused, so I want to make clear that your own feelings and assessments of these and any other situations are what I think should carry the most weight here.
That said, the biggest thread that I am seeing in what you have posted here is a lack of communication on both your parts, but what sounds most like a lack of communication coming from you. It sounds to me like a lot of the time, you just didn't feel able or confident communicating with this partner, including when they were doing things that you didn't want or feel comfortable with. You ask if this was about you feeling overwhelmed, so I can only assume that's because you did feel overwhelmed. It certainly sounds to me like you were in too deep when it came to what you actually felt ready for, and how able you felt -- or more to the point, didn't feel -- to speak up for yourself, and to feel real agency in this relationship. That's not super surprising to me when it comes to anyone's first or early sexual relationships, nor is that feeling you seem to be describing of pressure to do things even when it didn't seem like that pressure was coming from this partner.
I do see one big standout here though, and that's your 4th example. You say that you were very clear you had no interest in having others involved in anything sexual and that he was clear he was, and then in that public setting he said yes to other people joining in earnest without consulting you. That you felt like you had to push him off to get away and stop that feels very different to me than some of the other examples you've given here, because here you WERE clear in your communication, he clearly did not ask for your consent, and the fact that you felt you had to physically get away instead of saying no suggests to me that this wasn't something that was otherwise healthy, but that you just weren't interested in. It also gives me some clues about why you didn't feel agency in communicating some things to him, especially after an experience like this. It's hard to feel like we have agency if and when someone takes it away from us, and if and when there's a general vibe of a partner not fully needing or seeking our own desire or consent, that is generally indicative of a relationship that isn't a healthy one.
How does all of that land with you? How can we help you from here with this, or with assuring that any current or future relationships or interactions are different than this?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Re: Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Hi Heather thank you for the response. For this point
I agree with what you said about the 4th example I listed. Aside from that, what I am trying to sort out in my head now is how much of this pressure that I felt was my own responsibility for not speaking up better or if I should recognize any of this as a pattern of being manipulated. It's hard for me to understand the difference because I still don't think he wanted to hurt me
I am not sure exactly what you meant here but I did feel like the pressure was coming directly from this partner. He knew that I was very inexperienced and I wanted to take things slowly, and we sort of did the first few times but after that he was always trying to take everything to the next level. I definitely felt overwhelmed and like I would disappoint him if I didn't live up to what he wanted. He would tell me about he had been with dozens of girls before me and how they all finished every time (I never did with him). And he would constantly bring up ideas of things he wanted to try that he either heard from his friends or porn or something, and he always seemed disappointed/worried if I ever said that I wasn't into one of these ideas.
I agree with what you said about the 4th example I listed. Aside from that, what I am trying to sort out in my head now is how much of this pressure that I felt was my own responsibility for not speaking up better or if I should recognize any of this as a pattern of being manipulated. It's hard for me to understand the difference because I still don't think he wanted to hurt me
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mikky
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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Re: Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Hi 4mb3r,
With the context here, it does sound like there was some fairly clear pressure coming directly from him, and, likely intertwined with that, a lack of agency (like Heather described) for you to communicate what you did and did not want, or know what you did or did not want, in this sexual relationship.
In my opinion, and with what you just shared, it does sound like he was manipulative. But you mentioned worrying about this being a pattern- have you had other experiences where manipulation was an issue? Or are you concerned about this relationship meaning something about you and your future?
I think, also, it’s hard to try to figure out what someone else’s intent was. Regardless of whether he meant or wanted to hurt you, it seems like this experience did hurt you. You were affected by it, you feel gross remembering things, and it seems to have caused you a lot of self-doubt.
I don’t know that if you were employing incredible communication skills (which it doesn’t seem like you had the appropriate space to do) he would have been very receptive. But, if you are thinking about future relationships, I do think that A) understanding better what you do want and B) learning how to communicate that will be valuable.
Does that all make sense?
With the context here, it does sound like there was some fairly clear pressure coming directly from him, and, likely intertwined with that, a lack of agency (like Heather described) for you to communicate what you did and did not want, or know what you did or did not want, in this sexual relationship.
In my opinion, and with what you just shared, it does sound like he was manipulative. But you mentioned worrying about this being a pattern- have you had other experiences where manipulation was an issue? Or are you concerned about this relationship meaning something about you and your future?
I think, also, it’s hard to try to figure out what someone else’s intent was. Regardless of whether he meant or wanted to hurt you, it seems like this experience did hurt you. You were affected by it, you feel gross remembering things, and it seems to have caused you a lot of self-doubt.
I don’t know that if you were employing incredible communication skills (which it doesn’t seem like you had the appropriate space to do) he would have been very receptive. But, if you are thinking about future relationships, I do think that A) understanding better what you do want and B) learning how to communicate that will be valuable.
Does that all make sense?
Re: Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Hi mikky thanks for your answer. It makes sense. I have not experienced anything else like this, I am more just concerned with processing it and moving on since I don’t know how much I can blame him for vs. myself. I have definitely accepted that it did hurt me even if that wasn’t his intention, but if I had a better idea of whether this was a form of assault or abuse I think I would be more able to feel like it wasn’t my fault. But also it feels messed up to even say that because I know those words carry so much weight and these things don’t feel as serious as other examples
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mikky
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 219
- Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2025 11:08 am
- Age: 25
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Pacific North West
Re: Does this sound like SA/red flags for abuse or something else?
Hey again,
I apologize in advance as I am not my most articulate tonight, but I do want to make sure to respond to you before I leave for the night.
Even in situations where abuse is clear cut, people still struggle with self-blame and feeling like they were at fault. His behavior was harmful, even if not intended to be so, and you were harmed, even if you did not communicate at times that you could have.
My first sexual experience was with someone who is really a great person who I loved a lot, and, I did not want to do any of what we did. It wasn’t nonconsensual. There were factors that complicated that (including pressure from that person, which included behavior I would now consider to be manipulation, which was something we were both engaging in plenty of), but I was a very active party in something that ended up being really damaging and harmful to how I felt about my body, sex, and safety in both of those.
My point is that even when something is “our fault,” which I don’t think is the case for you, it can still be harmful, AND, we can still navigate through it. If anything, understanding where you might struggle with things like communication, pressure, and separating what you want from what someone else is telling you to do, is extremely healthy and important for yourself and any future relationships.
If it feels important to you to label it, but not use the word abuse, maybe “messed up,” “not what I wanted,” “gross,” “he tried to pressure me into things rather than let me figure out what I liked,” etc. can be a name for it.
I apologize in advance as I am not my most articulate tonight, but I do want to make sure to respond to you before I leave for the night.
Even in situations where abuse is clear cut, people still struggle with self-blame and feeling like they were at fault. His behavior was harmful, even if not intended to be so, and you were harmed, even if you did not communicate at times that you could have.
My first sexual experience was with someone who is really a great person who I loved a lot, and, I did not want to do any of what we did. It wasn’t nonconsensual. There were factors that complicated that (including pressure from that person, which included behavior I would now consider to be manipulation, which was something we were both engaging in plenty of), but I was a very active party in something that ended up being really damaging and harmful to how I felt about my body, sex, and safety in both of those.
My point is that even when something is “our fault,” which I don’t think is the case for you, it can still be harmful, AND, we can still navigate through it. If anything, understanding where you might struggle with things like communication, pressure, and separating what you want from what someone else is telling you to do, is extremely healthy and important for yourself and any future relationships.
If it feels important to you to label it, but not use the word abuse, maybe “messed up,” “not what I wanted,” “gross,” “he tried to pressure me into things rather than let me figure out what I liked,” etc. can be a name for it.
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