Struggling to build friendships (as a lonely aromantic)

[Estobawk]

So, I'm autistic. I have a lot of struggle understanding or dealing with people when there isn't clarity. As a child I had a lot of behavioral issues and most of my life I was in 'special education'. As a result I've basically never had a good friendship, so I just have no idea. I am deeply lonely, but I also struggle to find people who I even could connect with, much less actually do so. My social anxiety and incompetence are both through the roof.

I really wish nothing more than to build real connections and friendships. I just have... no clue. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to communicate wants or boundaries. I don't know what the expectations from others or even myself might look like, in a real friendship.

I struggle so much to show care or interest. Honestly I think it's just part of who I am, I'm just not very overt about things even if I am passionate about them. But I've never been close enough to anyone to really know how to show that caring how I would.

I am a very deeply caring and loving person, I think. It is endlessly agonizing never having been able to actualize that.

How do I go to a person and start talking and making friends, asking them what they'd like to do? Especially when, as is typically the case, I find the person to just be good-looking and interesting in a way that might be interpreted as romantic interest. But I'm not romantically interested, I am aromantic, I just want close connections. Even the smallest hint of feeling like I'm trying to 'get with' people is just so repulsive to me. I can't do it.

I do have some feelings, a lot of the time. They are certainly not romantic but they do feel more strong compared to what I think most people experience around non-romantic relationships. I certainly do not want to ask for a date or a girlfriend / boyfriend or anything like that. But the nature of trying to establish a deeper connection, especially when my autism means that I just need to have open communication, honesty, and clarity, makes it all so daunting.

Sorry if this is unintelligible

[Sofi]

Hi Estobawk, I'm sorry you feel lonely and like you struggle to connect with people. I am also autistic, as are several of us here at Scarleteen, so we understand. It can be difficult to navigate relationships (romantic or not) in a neurotypical world, but I also want to remind you there are plenty of other autistic folks you could try to meet and see if a friendship forms there. I've found I have way less of those feelings of misunderstanding and communication struggles with other autistic people. There are many places online and irl to meet them, there's even a dating and friendship app for neurodivergent people specifically. Is that something you've tried or are willing to?

We also have an awesome autistic writer who's done a whole bunch of helpful articles here, Lisa Laman. I think going through some of them could really help here. You can find them by clicking this sentence.

We've also got a great guide to building relationships, which applies well to friendships too: How to Build Every Relationship from the Ground Up

After reading these, what questions came up? How can we best support you with this?