i would like to try using a dildo but i’m really scared of my vagina

[queerserpentine]

hii! i’ve never used this website before so im sorry if i do anything wrong. i’m ftm and autistic which might have a bit to do with this?

i can use a clit (?) vibrator on the outside but i’ve tried putting in a dildo with lube and stuff and it hurts. i’ve also tried using my fingers but when my fingers touch anything that’s probably inside of my vagina, i freak out and it feels too weird when ive opened my vagina up or whatever. i hate even looking at my vagina or drawings of it or anything like that.

everytime i start thinking about this i start to cry. i’ve looked at a ton of other advice and i don’t know what to do. i’d like to try because maybe ir would make me feel Good but i wanna do it just in case i get raped or something. im sorry if this is too much and thank you for reading.

[Sofi]

Hi queerserpentine, welcome to the boards!

If you want to keep trying it because you want to experience it, that's okay, but I also want to mention that a lot of folks with a vulva don't even finger themselves or use dildos in this way much because it's common for it not to feel particularly good or for it to be a bit uncomfortable for some people, depending on a few things. It's much more common for people to masturbate through clitoral stimulation, so there's nothing wrong with just sticking to that if it works for you. I did notice you mention it 'hurts' when you've tried a dildo even with lube - was it pain, or more like discomfort? If you ever feel pain during sex, it's a sign to stop. It shouldn't hurt, so that's your body letting you know something is off. My next question is, are you relaxed and aroused when doing this, or do you think you're perhaps a bit tense, anxious, stressed, etc? That will also make a difference in how it feels, and it will be much harder to enjoy it.

I want to check in on that last paragraph. You said you want to do this in case you get sexually assaulted...is that a concern you have often? The thing is, unfortunately, nothing can prepare us for that. Vaginas don't loosen up the way some people think they do, and no amount of sex (solo or partnered) that involves insertion can prepare it or you for being assaulted, nor make it "easier" in any way. I don't think this is something for you to consider when wanting to try inserting fingers or a dildo, and I'm a bit concerned it's something you're thinking about in this way. Are you safe? Do you believe there's a chance of that happening to you, and if so, have you talked about this with a trusted person before?

[queerserpentine]

1. i don’t really know if it was pain or discomfort. it just felt weird kinda. but yeah i stopped shortly after it kinda felt Bad
2. i try to get aroused and relaxed before i attempt to use it but then i get all freaked out even if i try to do breathing exercises yk.
3. i guess so. but it’s fine im good im safe. i’m just asking just in case i guess.

thank you for answering and stuff!!! i appreciate it a ton

[amber]

Although a 'weird' feeling is not uncommon, because it is a new sensation, I am glad to hear you stopped once feeling bad. You should never feel obligated to do anything, or continuing doing something, your body is not enjoying. When your body is stressed or 'freaking out' it is no wonder that your muscles, including your vagina, are tense. When I hear that you are freaking out in this way it makes me think pushing your body is doing more harm than good.

I hear your worries and wants to feel this sensation but, just as Sofi did, I can assure you there is never a need to have something inserted inside your vagina in this context. People can live their whole lives without ever experiencing it.

Did you want to talk more about why you are feeling pushed to make this work?

[queerserpentine]

yeah you are right amber. it’s ok i lowkey just need to stop but i already spent money on getting a dildo

and im pretty sure i know why bc having a vagina is kinda the only i got going in people wanting me department. and i kinda have to be ready because once im not young, WHO is going to want me and it probably has to do something with me getting “groomed” online so yolo i guess

no obligation for anyone to respond or anything!!! im just saying stuff.

[char]

Hi queerserpentine. I'm glad Sofi's and Amber's responses have been helpful for you! About that dildo, it doesn't have to be "useless"--it might be possible to use it for clitoral stimulation, or other uses that isn't vaginal insertion depending on your preference. What do you think of that?

and im pretty sure i know why bc having a vagina is kinda the only i got going in people wanting me department. and i kinda have to be ready because once im not young, WHO is going to want me and it probably has to do something with me getting “groomed” online so yolo i guess

I'm sorry to hear that you were groomed; that's an unpleasant experience, and it can leave anyone feeling crummy after no longer being in such a relationship. This doesn't mean you have no worth; you are an entire person with your own ideas, hopes, dreams, and so much more. You're more than just your body. You deserve to live and maintain relationships--whatever the kind--with people who like, respect, and appreciate you. With people that don't judge you for being "older." Would you like to talk about these thoughts you have?

[queerserpentine]

that does sound better because then i didn’t completely waste my money but its ok if not yolo i guess

no it’s ok!! it’s like a whole thing and i appreciate it but i just gotta deal with the consequences of my own actions. no one can save or fix me and i just keep waiting for it. i know there’s not an automatic solution but thank you and stuff!

[Heather]

And i kinda have to be ready because once im not young, WHO is going to want me

Sounds like you've internalized some ageism, unfortunately. Know that comes from bias and ignorance, not reality.

Most people experience sexual desire their whole lives, and most people also tend to date and choose sexual partners within their own peer group. No one can actually age out of sexuality nor out of being found sexually desirable by other people. One of my favorite couples on earth, for example, who have even been featured in the New York Times talking about their sexual relationship, met each other when they were in their 70s and when both were already widows from another relationship. Even as a sex educator who's had great sex in every phase of my life, I'm in the best sexual relationship I have ever been, and both of us met in our early 50s. You don't have to worry about only being appealing to potential sexual partners when you're young, I absolutely promise. <3

[queerserpentine]

and that’s all great!! i’m very glad for everyone and stuff!!!! and i’m not saying that isn’t reassuring because it is nice!!! but i lowkey cannot wait that longbut i can’t do anything about that so i just have to deal so yeah im sorry

[Heather]

No one is telling you you need to wait decades for a sexual relationship, I assure you. Rather, my reply was to you saying no one would want you unless you are young.

[queerserpentine]

ohhh i see i see. perhaps i guess!!! only time will tell