Best friend has jealousy/attachment issues, how can I help?

[dependantdragon]

Hi, I have a friend who despite knowing her for only a few years now we're very close; she's been there for me during a very difficult part of my life, and we have a very strong bond. She also has self-admitted attachment issues, and feels awful sometimes when I'm hanging out with other friends because she has a strong, irrational fear of being replaced. This is something she will admit; both that it bothers her and that she wishes it didn't. She also often feels guilty about it, like that she's a bad friend for feeling that way. I know a lot about various aspects of neurodivergence, psychology, and mental health despite never having formally studied it, but when it comes to this kind of thing, I don't have much knowledge at all. I've been as consistent as possible with affirming that I do love her (platonically), that I see her as irreplaceable and extremely worthy of my time, love, and effort, and that I prefer to hang out with her over other friends (which is true). I'm usually able to calm her down when she's spiralling, but it does take a while sometimes, and sometimes it's really hard to break her out of that mindset and it makes me feel kind of helpless. Even with the anxiety though, she's been, and continues to be, a very positive influence on me. I want her to be happy, to love herself, and to feel good about our relationship, but it's been a struggle to figure out how to do so in a more... how to say... long-term way.

I've suggested to her to seek therapy and/or medical help, but it doesn't seem like that's possible right now; she hasn't got a job yet, so she's still financially dependent on her... rather controlling family, who are also quite anti-medicine. Plus she does love them, and even when she can provide for herself it's likely she'll still feel compelled to live according to their values, or at least not feel comfortable openly contradicting them. I have to admit I know it's not. Ideal to be basically her only support, but I can't force her to find other methods of support, and I feel confident that she would do so if she felt capable of it. And I love her (platonically), so I'm not going to just abandon her.

I'd love to understand more of what goes on in the psychology of these kinds of issues and how they're effectively treated, and I feel like knowing that would help me a lot with helping her, and also potentially feeling... less helpless, to know whether I'm doing the right thing or not to help her. Of course, it would also be helpful to just have some advice on how to handle it. I haven't yet become overwhelmed with supporting her despite it being several months (closer to a year, really) since she opened up to me about these issues, but I do worry that I will eventually, and end up failing her. So it would really, really help to have some more confidence that what I'm doing is right and will help her in the long term, or to know what will help her in the long term.

I wanna stay friends with her forever if possible; I know life doesn't always work out that way, but I'd really love to be able to. She definitely feels like a lifelong friend. And it makes me sad and frustrated that I don't know if I'm helping her the way she needs.

Any advice or resources you could share would be a huge help! Thank you in advance.

[amber]

Hi dependantdragon !

I am sorry you've been struggling with this, it is a big burden to feel like someone else's stability is reliant on you. It is nice that you have been trying to suggest she seeks out mental health support as that is what she truly needs. I can't help you here with the 'psychology', as you mentioned, but we would be more than happy to talk with how this burden has been effecting you.

I see you have reached out here to talk about mental health support before. Are you still in therapy? How has your own mental health support been going?

[dependantdragon]

Weird, didn't get a notification for your reply.

My mental health has been... interesting; I feel like it's been better than I expected considering the stuff that's been happening around me. (Such as, we had to put our 17 year old dog to sleep a few weeks ago.) We're trying out taking me off of this one medication that has seemed to really help (as in, decreasing and removing the dosage has helped) and potentially might get better once I try this other antidepressant that I feel more confident will help.

I've been talking to my own therapist about this situation as well, so I'm fairly confident about how I'm handling it. I am well aware that actual medical mental health support is what she truly needs; it is not something I can force her to pursue. What I'm looking for are resources - not necessarily you or others explaining things to me, but places I can inform myself. Google is a shitshow these days, and things are harder and harder to find. There's just so much misinformation out there now.

Frankly, I'm not too pleased about having my actual question ignored. Please don't take it personally. I've just done a lot of reasoning and thinking about this, and the risks of supporting her are worth the benefits of having her as a close friend.

[Latha]

Hello there, DependentDragon

I'm sorry to hear that your friend is struggling so much, but it is good that you feel confident about your ability to handle her worries.

As Amber said, we can't provide the psychological evaluation that you asked for--we are not psychologists, and so we can't comment on how concerns like your friend's might be treated therapeutically. However, we might be able to help you think about how this affects you, and how you might try to approach conversations with her about her worries. Can you tell us more about how these discussions usually go? What have you tried, and what usually helps?

By balancing caring for her with caring for yourself when you are overwhelmed, I think you are acting as an important counter-example to the expectations and pressures her family likely places on relationships. Even if she is not able to adjust her actions in the moment, the support you give her now will probably help in the long term.

It is wonderful that you've found a friend that you hope to keep for a long time--I hope it turns out that way.