Unwanted thoughts about my friends

[Seraph]

Hello

Ive had this reoccurring issue where I have romantic or sometimes sexual thoughts about some of my female friends. I usually dont feel, or try my best not to feel, any attraction towards them outside of a very basic "I think they are attrative" as I dont want to be a creep or take advantage of a friendship and ruin it.

Many times these thoughts will just appear in my head out of nowhere. Most of the time it involves a fantasy where we end up having mutual feelings for each other (even if I dont really have feelings like that for them). Even worse are the times when I have random sexual feelings toward them. There have been times where I, without wanting to, fantasized about having sex with a friend of mine after we met up for the first time irl (most of my friends are online and I havent met any of the irl yet).

Obviously I dont like feeling this way because its creepy and objectifiy but I also noticed that it affects our relationship. I tend to avoid my friends that I have these feelings about or at least not talk to them as much which has inevitable negative effects on our friendship.

Do you have any tips on what to do in this situation? I really hate feeling this way and I was wondering if there is a way to avoid these fantasies or at least quickly get rid of them.

[Latha]

Hello Seraph!

I'm sorry to hear that these feelings you've noticed are leading you to pull away from your friends, and I can see that you care about them and do not want to hurt them. We can talk about how you might manage your feelings.

Reading what you've shared here, I wonder if you are trying to correct for the stories that many women have of guys they think of as friends actually wanting to date them. Your question is based on the idea that your feelings are disrespectful to your friends, and so the problem with the guys in these stories would be their attraction to these women. I would like to suggest that is not the case. Hear me out:

Having romantic or sexual feelings for a friend is quite common--I mean, to state what is perhaps obvious, getting to know someone as a friend gives you more opportunities to notice attraction, and the most enduring feelings often take time to develop. The issue with the guys in these stories is something beyond that--they often devalue their existing friendships, treating someone who should be a friend as though they only matter to them as a potential sexual or romantic partner, and expect that these women must reciprocate their feelings (especially in return for anything they might have done for them). If you are not doing any of that, you are not taking advantage of your friends, objectifying them, or being creepy. You are just being a person who has feelings. The thoughts and fantasies in your head cannot affect your friends, but how you treat them does.

Many times these thoughts will just appear in my head out of nowhere...

Do you want a romantic/sexual relationship? Or, do you feel on any level like you should want one? If yes, that provides a very simple explanation for this fantasy of mutual feelings, even where you don't actually feel that way about your friends--your pattern-recognizing, opportunity-finding and prediction-making mind is doing its thing--it has noticed that as good friends to you, these people will probably also be good partners to someone.

We know that compatibility in relationships is about more than someone being a good person. So, these thoughts are best considered to be suggestions, as your mind making you aware of possibilities. You can compare these suggestions to what you know of your actual wants, and of your relationship with your friends, and decide whether to follow them and give your feelings more attention.

There isn't really a way to make fantasies disappear intentionally. But the worse you feel about these thoughts, and the more weight you give them, the more salient and persistent they will become. On the other hand, if you respond with neutrality and compassion instead of avoidance, they will become easier to handle. Let reflecting on these feelings be a chance for you to understand yourself better, and let them pass without judgement once you are done. Given enough time, that is usually what makes thoughts less common.

Part of responding with compassion and neutrality is to know that it is, in fact, okay for you to have feelings for a friend. Your feelings alone cannot impose on them. When you notice attraction to someone, it is equally okay to keep those thoughts to yourself, or to share them with their subject, leaving space for them to reciprocate or decline. Having the positives of a sexual or romantic connection with another person is only possible if you share those feelings with them, but you can still be friends with someone if they say no.

Does that make sense?

I want to share a piece of ours that you might like to read. It has some advice for thinking about friendships and romance, and keeping yourself or a friend from feeling hurt when you have feelings for them that I think is helpful for most everyone:Friends or Lovers? The Complexities of Queer Love