romance was a mistake

[random-rat]

so iast time I was on here asking for advice (oh no now I don't know what to do was it I think) I talked about my experience with the girl I like...who I now can call my girlfriend. I haven't mentioned her to my parents (even in like a friend way) once since April, and I haven't seen her since the last day of school. we message daily on Pinterest of course (where my mom doesn't check) and it was going well the first couple weeks. it was awesome I was like whoa this is what love feels like.

she started bringing up intense things. it started when she sent a pin that said "the luckiest people marry Italians" and she was like "you think I'm lucky" and I said yes (I thought it was just like a flirty joke) turns out she was serious and she keeps talking about a future together of moving to Finland (cuz same sex marriage) and she has a shared board with me with matching rings. we were flirting and she said "I love you" (she says that like every day this wasn't the first time or smth) and it was jokey flirty so I was like "pretty gay of you" and as making jokes and she was like "you aren't gonna say it back..." so I did and idk t felt wrong. and every night before bed she messages stuff like "buonanotte amore mio" or "ti amo cara" and it drives me crazy because shes learning my fucking language (lmao excuse my English language) for me and it makes it more intense in ways i cant explain. (ti amo is direct straight up romantic love, its not like english where you say i love you to friends and family)

I thought a relaatisnhip would be fun and flirty. last week we had like some intense flirting (I think the most it got to was like talk of pinning down and making out, nothing like past that) and I realized I want more of that and less of the mushy romantic stuff. it doesn't help that I'm going into high school and shes on her last year of middle school, so I'm stuck in a middle school relationship. its bad but I'm setting myself up for success and I cant wait to meet new people...including those of romantic interest. and I just know I dont wanna think of all that future stuff. i love the idea of soulmates and forever, but i wanna just have fun being a teen. shes not my soulmate, and im not ready for forever. me and her dont even have great of chemistry, she doesnt joke enough, i wanna have fun, shes like a very serious person and im serious but jokey with ppl i love shes just serious.

and my mom ofc gave me some 90 day rule shit, but I think she was right about that being the end of the honeymoon phase and 90 days was last week when I started getting like this so she may be right. then i keep blaming things like "oh ur just too young" or "oh i forgot to take my prozac" but i think i need to break up with her. and its not either of those things maybe and its just not compatible.

this is where it gets hard, becasue im scared of breaking up with her. and not just since im afraid of confrontation. at the end of the year, she told off all of her friends because she said they were being toxic. so basically all she has is me and MY friend who has her number and basically is mainly friends with her bcs she was my wingman. and she said that I brought her out of depression, and as someone who has also gone through so many different mental health struggles, including depression, I just cant leave her alone. her family isn't close with each other, they barely talk and always are seperate in the same house (maybe I just find it weird because I'm used to the opposite? I don't know ). also its probably just my anxiety, but she saves ALL of the pictures I sent her (just stuff of what I do or whatevs) and I sent a picture of me after hockey in a sports bra and its not sexual at all but I'm scared she'd find a way to make it (but why would she even go showing it in the first place?)

I'm sorry that was so much, being in a secret relationship really does suck (and I remember Mikky saying smth about their own experience, and now I will say I'm in that experience and probably should have taken their warning) and I'm so lost and have no adults to talk to and I just need help from people with expirience (my close friends have been supportive, but don't know what this is like)

[Sofi]

Hi random-rat! I went back and read your last post to make sure I was up to date about how everything has gone down. I'm sorry this seems to be causing you some anxiety.

It's pretty common at your age for some people to get overly wrapped up in the fantasy of love, but not having much or any experience with dating yet, so it makes sense you feel like it's a bit too intense. What you're describing wanting is a very regular relationship dynamic for teenagers. It sounds like you realize that all the talk about a future including marriage and such is too much too soon for you, which is totally valid. She clearly isn't ready for marriage talk yet, but like I said, she's wrapped up in the idea of what love is and figuring out how to apply it to her feelings for you. In this way, you two aren't aligned romantically, because you're seeking something different - and that's perfectly okay and a valid reason to break up, honestly.

You mentioned you don't want to leave her with no one, but the thing about romantic relationships is we don't have to end them and just never speak to that person again. It kind of comes with some maturity, but a lot of folks, especially queer folks, stay on talking terms with their exes and continue a platonic friendship. That's certainly something you can offer her, and it'd be up to her to decide whether she'd want that or not, but then you're not just "leaving her". Unfortunately, we can't stay with someone just because we're worried about how they'll handle the break up. It's not only not fair to you, it's also not fair to her - you both deserve a partner who is sure they want a romantic relationship with you.

How does hearing all this make you feel? Would you like help with navigating the breakup conversation? That's certainly something we can do <3