last year i came to the realization that i am a lesbian, or at least i truly believe that i am. i reached that conclusion after a lot of self reflection and looking back on my life. i am currently 17, and ever since i was around 11 years old, i have always known that i loved girls. i had crushes on female celebrities, fictional girls, and women in general, but never ever had crushes on men, whether they were celebrities, fictional characters, or people in my own life. despite that being the case, i convinced myself that there was no way i could actually be a lesbian because i thought i had to like men. i believed that not liking men simply was not possible, so i labeled myself as bisexual instead. from the ages of 11 to 15, i identified as bi even though i never had genuine romantic or sexual interest in men. during that time, i also tried dating boys because i thought maybe i just had not met the right one. in middle school, i thought i had a crush on one of my close guy friends. looking back now, i realize that i was just very attached to him as a friend. we matched profile pictures and talked a lot, but i never fantasized about him romantically or sexually. at the beginning of high school, i talked to two different boys. one of them made me uncomfortable when he tried to hold me, and i stopped talking to him almost immediately. the other was genuinely kind, respectful, and attractive. i could recognize that he was handsome, but when he wanted to get closer to me romantically, i just could not do it. i told him we should stay friends, but if i am being honest, i was not even interested in pursuing a friendship because i simply was not interested in him that way.
after those experiences, i stopped trying to force myself to like boys and focused on girls instead. i started calling myself sapphic because the bisexual label no longer felt accurate. i could acknowledge that some men were attractive, but i had no desire to date them or be intimate with them. when i turned 16, i read the lesbian masterdoc. i know it is controversial now, and i know the person who wrote it later identified as bisexual, but reading it still helped me understand myself. so much of it resonated with my own experiences, and for the first time, calling myself a lesbian felt completely right. it honestly felt freeing. i do not think i have ever been happier or more comfortable with myself. i had already been consuming a lot of lesbian media before then, but after realizing i was a lesbian, i embraced that part of myself even more, and it brought me soooo much joy. everything was fine until about a year later, when i started thinking about my parents. they are unfortunately homophobic and have always expected me to marry a man someday. i started wondering, "what if i am wrong?" just to reassure myself, i searched up pictures of attractive male celebrities to see if i would feel any genuine attraction.
i found one actor who i could recognize as very attractive, and from that moment, i completely spiraled. ever since then, i have been constantly checking myself to see if i am attracted to men. i overanalyze every thought and every feeling. i go back through old memories and question experiences that i had already made peace with, especially my friendship with that boy in middle school. even though i know i never wanted him romantically or sexually, my brain keeps asking, "what if?"
i know that lesbians can recognize when a man is attractive. i know that objectively finding someone good looking is not the same as wanting a relationship with them. but every time i notice that a man is attractive, i get this overwhelming feeling of fear. it almost feels like i am doomed to end up with a man one day. that thought terrifies me. i do not want to marry a man. i do not want to spend my life with a man. when i picture my future, i only see myself loving, marrying, and building a life with a woman. thinking about ending up with a man fills me with sadness and dread. what makes this even harder is seeing some people online say that if you find any man attractive, then you cannot call yourself a lesbian. i do think some men are physically attractive, but i have never wanted them romantically or sexually. even so, those comments make me spiral, and i start doubting everything i know about myself. it has gotten so bad that thinking about men in general sometimes makes me feel physically sick. i become nauseous, and sometimes i even gag from anxiety. i know that sounds extreme. logically, i know that those feelings probably point away from wanting to be with men, not toward it. but my brain refuses to let me accept that.
my biggest fear is that maybe i am actually bisexual and one day i will suddenly fall in love with a man. i know that fear does not really match my experiences. i have met genuinely kind, attractive, respectful boys before, and i still never developed romantic feelings for them. even imagining dating a wonderful man fills me with dread instead of excitement. but somehow my brain still refuses to let the fear go. another thing i struggle with is wondering whether it is wrong that i do not like the idea of being bisexual. i want to be very clear that i have absolutely nothing against bisexual people. i love and respect bisexual people, and one of my closest friends is bisexual. they are an important part of the lgbtq+ community. i even identified as bisexual myself for years and was happy until I realized that I did not truly like men. the reason the thought upsets me is not because i think being bisexual is bad. it is because, for me personally, it feels like it would mean that i could end up with a man someday, and that possibility makes me deeply unhappy. whenever i try to tell myself, "maybe you are bi, and that would be okay," i immediately feel overwhelmed with sadness because i do not want that future for myself. my mind also keeps giving me intrusive thoughts about dating men or being sexually intimate with them. they are not fantasies that make me happy. they feel unwanted and distressing. something else that makes me doubt myself is the fact that i used to watch pornography that included men. i have seen people online say that lesbians who watch straight porn are not really lesbians, and those comments make me feel like a fraud. the truth is that i mainly watched it because i enjoyed watching women experience pleasure. i was focused on the woman, not the man. even then, i still have absolutely no desire to experience sex with a man myself.
all of this has left me wondering whether i should still call myself a lesbian or if i should go back to calling myself sapphic. the thought of giving up the lesbian label honestly makes me want to cry because it felt like home. it felt like the first identity that truly described me. i finally felt free. i also worry that calling myself sapphic makes it seem like i am open to dating men, and i am not. i genuinely do not want that. is it okay to use both lesbian and sapphic to describe myself? has anyone else gone through something similar? how do i stop constantly questioning myself? does recognizing that some men are attractive make me less of a lesbian? does the fact that i used to watch pornography that included men mean i cannot call myself one anymore, even though i have never wanted a romantic or sexual relationship with a man?
i feel like i am grieving an identity that has brought me so much peace
, even though a part of me still believes it fits me. i think what scares me most is the idea that sexuality could be fluid for me. i know that can be a beautiful experience for many people, but for me, the thought of someday wanting to be with a man feels terrifying. i have loved women for as long as i can remember. loving women feels like such a fundamental part of who i am. when i imagine my future, i only see myself falling in love with a woman, marrying a woman, and sharing my life with a woman. when i think about men, i feel nothing except anxiety, doubt, and fear. i just feel incredibly lonely right now, and i would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar.