Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[Heather]

Hey there, rodi.

I'm really sorry to hear your stepmother got so attached to her kid being a certain gender and is acting the way she is about it (and that this was an issue before, to the point it required a therapeutic intervention, no less). I'd hope for an adult who is about to be a parent to have a lot more maturity than it sounds like she has or is demonstrating. I'm sorry that this is something adding stress to your Dad's life and, of course, also to yours, especially right now.

I'm also sorry to hear about how challenging things still are with Marcela.

I do think that having sex with her and accepting her advances at all sends a very mixed message, and I think that it is better for you to hold that boundary than to let her wear you down, even though I get that and why that feels so fraught for you. But with someone like this, who will not stop pushing boundaries, we have to hold them so, so firmly, because any time we loosen them, we kind of wind up right back at the beginning, and it makes it easier and easier each time for them to push past our boundaries. I think that letting her cross boundaries and helping to confuse the situation with more sex is not going to make coparenting easier, quite the opposite. It's only going to make it harder and more complicated.

My best suggestion is to stop being alone with her, ever: do what you can to only spend time with her when other people are around, like maybe only inviting her over when your Dad or someone else is home. If you want to try something like writing her a letter about this, I'm also happy to help you if you'd like.

I'm glad you read the book and found some of the practical help helpful. I hear you about feeling like an alien, and also finding even helpful resources feel like they are written for someone else. So much of the world we live in just doesn't really see teen parents -- even though there are so many of you, and there used to be even more in previous generations -- or know how to adjust for them. It's very isolating, that's something you hear teen parents -- or people who were once teen parents -- say more than almost anything. You feel isolated because this is often an isolating experience, unfortunately.

im not depressed i dont get to claim Im depressed because i put myself in a bad situation.

I think you may be misunderstanding how depression works. Depression is a mood disorder, one that happens -- rather than being a thing someone "claims" -- due to situations (deaths, loss of a job or home, a breakup, or, as in your case, hard/unwanted consequences of a chosen action) that cause our neurochemical makeup to change, due to something about the way our neurochemicals just work regardless of what's going on situationally, or both.

I am not your healthcare provider nor your psychiatrist, so I can't tell you for sure if you're depressed or not, period. But knowing a great deal about the symptoms of depression and what a depressed person acts and feels like, like I said before, it sounds very much to me like you are and have been depressed. Were you able to talk with your therapist about that at all yet?

I also want to remind you that no one should be surprised that a 15-year-old person is really stumbling and struggling with this situation. Heck, look at your father and stepmother: they're much older than you, and clearly they are struggling a great deal with a part of pregnancy that should be one of the easiest parts of the whole thing! I'm sorry that you feel like such a mess about this, but I want you to at least be able to start reminding yourself that what you are experiencing is really, really challenging, and you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone your age who wasn't struggling in this situation. <3

[rodi]

Ever since we were last together, things got weird between me and Marcela and we are avoiding talking to each other, don't know if that matters much.

I went out with my friends, I did not not drink, even though i almost did, otherwise not doing much during this break days. Dad and uncles birthday, my little brother birthday and dad's first wedding anniversary and signed up for a comp, all will happen within a week so soon there will be lot to do. It's my last winter break without having a baby and Im not doing much to enjoy it, we aren't going out on a trip, not even to the beach since the weather has been too chilly.

I feel lost, is there anything i should know or do?

[Heather]

I'm not sure you two not talking to each other right now is the worst thing, especially if both of you, as has been the case, haven't yet figured out how to have healthy boundaries and stick to the kinds of interactions and the kind of relationship that is actually right for both of you. Maybe for the time being, the best thing is to honestly just each take some space.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to make this The Last Real Winter Break like this. Yes, a kid being in the equation changes pretty much everything, but again, especially as the person who won't have given birth and who probably won't be caring for that baby most of the time, I don't see any reason there can't be plenty of good breaks in your future, and Marcel's for that matter. All the parts of life you generally enjoy will probably still be available to you. <3

Can you say some more about in what respect you feel lost? And remind me when Marcela's due date is?

[rodi]

There are moments when i get really mad this is happening and i cant do anything to stop it, like nothing i do will ever fix this, sometimes i d o very stupid things because of it like last night. As I said before, everything will change and not for the best and its just it, i can prepare to be a dad but eeryone knwos i am not a dad, it'llbe bad for me, her and him. just a dumb dude.

They are saying 22 of november is the day.

[Sofi]

Hi, Rodi.

I’m hearing a lot of that negative self talk again, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way about yourself lately. You’re not just a dumb dude, you made a mistake. You’re still a kid yourself and you deserve grace for your mistakes. I get that this one comes with a big life changing consequence, but I’m hoping once you’re a dad, there will be a lot of positives about the experience along with the negative feelings, which is how a lot of young parents describe it. Is there anything you’re looking forward to at all about being a dad? I wonder if it could be helpful for you to process the very valid fears you’re feeling AND also look forward to some of it.

For example, you can still have a fun winter break both on your own (you and Marce, just like all parents, deserve vacations too) and also sometimes with your baby. Will it look different with a child? Yes. Will it be overwhelming at times? Probably. But can it also at times be cute and fun to enjoy the beach with your kid? Sure it can.

I know this is hard to picture right now as you’re still wrapping your head around all of this since it’s only been a few months, so I get why it feels like everything will be bad. But I hope you can try to enjoy the next few months and then embrace the change when it comes. As always we are here for support through it.

You mentioned you have been doing things you regret lately like last night. Just checking, is everything okay?

[rodi]

I cant do many things right, me being a father would be bad for the the baby, people dont say nice things about fatjhersm y age. I wish i could do well and be a good father but its not possible.

Im ok, i went out with my friends and did stupid things i shouldnt. also had a competition, and i lost didnt even go to the finals. Life is dragging me i am just not the best doing things.

[KierC]

Hey rodi

You know, you don’t have to do everything right to be a good dad. You don’t even have to be a certain age to be a good dad. What sort of things do you think about when it comes to being a father that you think you wouldn’t be able to do well?

Don’t worry about doing silly things with your friends, I’m glad to hear you went out and had fun. It’s important to be with your community right now. I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t make it to finals. I hope you keep going, though. You deserve to have activities you enjoy.

Honestly rodi, if anybody expected you to be perfect at being a parent or doing life right now they’d be pretty out of touch. You’re young (not to mention the fact that nobody is perfect or good at everything all the time no matter *what* age they are), and you’re diving into a very new experience with fatherhood. Give yourself some grace and also remember that you are far from alone here. You don’t have to do adult things by yourself. You have a family, friends, and a space here filled with people who have your back. Everyone here believes in you, and I just hope you remember even on bad days that you’ve got people backing you up who know you can do this.

[Heather]

Hey there, rodi. I was out of town for a few days, I'm just catching up with this now.

You know, I don't know if I mentioned to you that my own parents were pretty young when they had me, and my mother's pregnancy was absolutely not intended. They were a few years older than you, but still, when they both became parents, they were very unprepared, despite both of them being older siblings of several siblings each.

I particularly want to talk with you about my Dad. My Dad grew up with a lot of physical abuse, and as both a result and because of genetics, my Dad had some serious mental health issues his whole life. For decades of it, he was homeless off and on, and from the time I was in my mid-twenties on, there were often long periods where I had to either house him myself or financially help support him. In his mind, all of that meant he wasn't a good dad to me. In mine, that simply wasn't the experience I had at all: those challenges and places I had to help were things I just saw as ways any of us care for the people we love, and as impacts of how others had treated him poorly. You can probably relate to some of this when it comes to your Dad, too.

How my Dad was a good dad to me growing up, even given how young and unprepared he was, to me, came down to just a couple of things. For one, for the whole of my life, he simply appreciated and enjoyed who I was as a person, and always made sure I felt that, whether by telling me in words, giving me simple things that supported my interests (for example, he always got me journals to write in once he saw my interest in writing, something that absolutely supported me in becoming a writer), and spending time with me doing things that were important and interesting to me.

I also always felt unconditionally loved by my father. He never withheld love from me, never talked to or about me in ways that made me feel bad about myself, and was always very affectionate and very caring.

He knew our relationship was special and acted like it. We had little rituals together that were just ours, things like driving on this awesome road in Chicago along the lake on a beautiful day and singing to the radio together, holidays we invented, places to go to dinner, or dinners to make, for special occasions.

We also talked through our problems, something he did and taught me to do from when I was very small, which mostly just involved him being patient with me as a kid learning how to be in the world, and explaining things in ways I understood. Even the rules my Dad made for me were so obviously not about control, but about love and care, and were things he'd explain or talk through, even negotiate, rather than just lording adult power over me.

Lastly, he showed up when it really mattered. When some terrible things happened to me during my childhood, adolescence, and then later in life, my father was always fully emotionally present for me, and always ready and willing to stand up for me when that was helpful and needed. He'd sit with me through grief. He'd find me more support if I needed it. He'd listen.

There's more I could say, perhaps obviously, but I wanted to bring these things up to show you some examples of how being a good dad is something within your reach. You don't have to be 30 or 40 or even 20 to do it well, nor of a certain income, and EVERYONE learns how to parent as they go, no matter their age, I promise. But the stuff that really makes for good parenting usually tends to be the same stuff that makes for just generally being a caring and thoughtful person, period, things I know are in you just from all the time we've been talking here.

I think you may also have the experience many parents-to-be do, which is that once your kid is actual, rather than theoretical, a person you can see and hold and who reacts to you, it's going to be a lot more clear how to parent well because it's going to give you a whole lot of feelings you don't have yet, rather than just factual information, you know? I hear you and understand that you're worried you can't do well at this, but if it helps to hear it, I'm not. I think you are capable of this, and I can even see ways it might wind up being something actually very beneficial and wonderful for you, rather than something that only makes your life more complicated. <3

[Heather]

By the way, my partner is a father of two -- and in a couple different kinds of very challenging situations, including one child with disabilities and a very long-strained relationship with their mother -- and is open to talking with you some if you'd like to. I just think that talking to more Dads, period, even if they don't share your same circumstances, might be really helpful to you. If you think so too, just say the word and he'll hop on here or you two can make a new thread to talk in.