How can I lower my sexual feelings?

[iamsixteen]

As a 16 year old male, I completely understand that it is completely and totally natural to have the feelings that I do. But things have happened in my life, involving sexual things, that have made me want to lessen or completely rid myself of this sexual feeling. If not, then to lessen it. I have been determined to stop masterbating, and have done somewhat of a good job of doing so. I have put in effort to desexualize things and see people for who they are. But the way some people dress and stuff just makes it all come back. I know i have to push through, but has anyone experienced this before?

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, iamsixteen!

You are allowed to decide that you don't want to focus on sex, but it might be difficult to expect yourself to never have sexual thoughts in response to the things you see. You can't exert complete control over the thoughts you have or make them disappear by will--you can only manage how to respond to them, and try to redirect your focus to other subjects.

Would you like to talk about what has happened to make you want to rid yourself of these feelings when you understand it is natural and okay to have them? We can listen or advise, and we don't judge.

There does not have to be a contradiction between having sexual thoughts about a person and also respecting them. Do you feel like having sexual thoughts prevents you from seeing people for who they are?

[iamsixteen]

its just a lot in my life that has happened that has involved sexual things and I don't know how to describe how I feel about sex. i used to watch a lot of that stuff and ive only recently stopped. i want to rid myself of these feelings because I don't want to see people in that way. i understand that everyone has a right to dress the way they want, but whenever a female is dressed provocatively that i se engine or in person or just something like that those thoughts and stuff start to come back. i try really hard to just not think about it and its just so weird because it might just be other people in my life or in my family and I don't purposefully think about it jut happens.

[Latha]

Hello Iamsixteen

I'm hearing that you are having trouble articulating your thoughts about sex due to your experiences--that is understandable. It is okay if your feelings or memories about these experiences are confusing. You can still share them here, if you'd like. We won't think you are weird--we're just here to listen and help with the concerns you have around sex.

I believe you when you say you don't purposefully have sexual thoughts about people you know, and I'm going to suggest two things about that which might seem counter-intuitive:

The first is that the thoughts you have do not actually have to be related to the things you want: It is really quite common for people to have thoughts that do not match their desires or values, because the thoughts we have are often based in (as you know) what our environment is like, and what is theoretically-possible, familiar, uncomfortable, or even scary. Having uncomfortable or distressing sexual thoughts does not say anything about your actual preferences. Thoughts do just happen--if they don't seem right, you are allowed to dismiss them as they appear.

The second is that treating uncomfortable thoughts as a serious problem, as things you need to avoid having entirely, tends to make them more persistent and salient. Trying really hard not to think about something is what makes thoughts about it more common, because intentional avoidance is a kind of attention.
(If you want a simple, non-sexual example: try really hard not to think about a red dot for a minute. Work on ridding yourself of all thoughts about a red dot. Does it work?)

You don't have to be ashamed of having sexual thoughts about family members or people you know. It is not weird, it is just what minds do sometimes. Since having them doesn't imply anything about you, you can recognize that these thoughts don't match what you want, dismiss them, and move on whenever they happen. Taking a neutral, non-judgmental approach like this is what will likely make these thoughts happen less often.

Does that make sense?