high sex drive, but pain/lack of arousal during sex?

[lordbyronluvr]

for a while now, i’ve been having issues with my sex life and was wondering if i could get some advice. i’d consider myself as someone with a high sex drive, i masturbate on a daily-weekly basis and multiple times in the same session. it wouldn’t be a problem by itself, but i’ve gotten myself into some awkward and potentially dangerous situations. my self-awareness (is this safe or appropriate for the environment? is this a personal relationship i want to turn sexual? etc.) is overridden by the need to get off. i don’t often regret it, but try to distance myself from the consequences of it as soon as possible, which hasn’t been a healthy way to cope with it at all. weirdly, none of it resulted in any gratification (sexual or emotional) on my end and i was completely fine with that. however, when i am doing stuff in private with a trusted partner where it would be appropriate to relax my inhibitions, i don’t feel turned on at all. with male partners, it can even be very painful and i have had to end hookups and sessions with ex-partners because it was too overwhelmingly unpleasant and didn’t want them to feel like they had to keep trying. same lack of arousal with women as well, even though i am more sexually attracted to them. i know this is kind of a complicated reaction to sex, and have past physical and emotional trauma related to it, so i was wondering who i should consider talking to if i want to work through this. any additional insight/questions are welcome too!

[Heather]

Welcome, lordbyronluvr (and great handle, what's your favorite of his? Romantic-era literature has long been one of my faves: my primary focus in college was William Blake). I'm glad you found your way here.

It sounds to me like you're struggling with some sexual impulsivity, and that that impulsivity -- and maybe also your desire being very linked with the desire to have sex be risk-taking -- might be getting in the way of you enjoying sex with partners outside impulsive or risky scenarios. I also can't help but wonder if that impulsivity isn't getting in the way of you actually enjoying yourself and feeling satisfied in any sexual interactions.

You mentioned that you have past physical and emotional trauma that's related to this: can you say a little more about that? Can you also fill me in on if you have ever had sexual interactions that a) didn't feel like they were led by impulse, or b) were actually satisfying for you in any respect?

It does sound to me like you'd probably benefit from seeing a general therapist, or, better still, a sex therapist, but knowing a little more about your history with all of this and any related trauma might help us narrow down what kind of help would be best.

[lordbyronluvr]

hi there!! it’s very cool you studied romantic literature, my favorite of his is “to thyrza”. the tone and context of the poem really touched my own experiences with queer love and loss. i love blake’s “the tyger” as well. i’m pursuing a degree in linguistics so i love to talk about cool wording!!

i’m wondering if that may be getting in the way as well. i’m 19 now, and up until this point have experienced a repeated pattern of sexual harrasment/sexually motivated bullying, molestion, and assault by various older figures and peers in my life. i am certain that it is connected to these problems, because it has also caused pretty debilitating social anxiety, substance abuse, and pelvic issues. i was in CBT/DBT for a while, but those issues were put on the side burner to deal with more pressing matters. i have cut off all financial and most emotional ties with my family and the people who were actively hurting me and have gotten myself into a safer environment now, so i’m starting the process of understanding and healing from some of the more confusing complexes in my life. i have never had an orgasm by anyone’s manipulation, and normally only find sex tolerable if i am a) receiving and high or b) giving as a stone top. most romantic relationships i have had started as the result of an impulsive hookup or conversation that led to long-term intimacy (to love twice) and lasted for only as long as a couple months. from your suggestions i’m wondering if i should consider trying to find specialized resources? i’m not sure what kind of support certain therapists/professionals offer that overlaps with the issues i want to work through. your response was super thoughtful!!

[Becky]

Hey lordbyronluvr!

Just wanted to give you a head's up that Heather is out of office for the next few days. I'm not entirely sure if there were some more specialized resources they had in mind to recommend to you but I see that they suggested potentially seeing a sex therapist.

If you'd like to start looking into sex therapists in the meantime, I would suggest searching through the AASECT directory: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

If you're not familiar, AASECT is a professional organization made up of sexuality educators, therapists, and other professionals. Could be a good place to start!